Ok, so it's been two weeks since dday - wife had affair (more like 2 one night stands, same guy). We are in counseling (we both went first, psychologist says she wants to see her alone a few times). I've already shown a readiness to forgive and work towards healing. Although I've been pretty morose at first, I'm warming back up, and am ready to start making some desosits in the bank again. <BR>She constantly says "she's not good enough for me" and that I "shouldn't forgive her" and that she's going to hurt me, etc. The therapist suggested an exercise or two in more intimate communication and she's negative - seems silly to her. When talking to her, she's very reluctant to discuss anything involving her feelings or why - although she seems honest about what and when. <BR>My question I guess is that given her frame of mind, PLan B seems an invitation to agree with her (she is unworthy) and split things up. So I want to work PLan A. But she seems like she is on her own private track now, trying to "decide for herself" what her feelings are, etc. I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one to do the healing work, but I will. She seems very much like "what's the point" now. Any suggestions?<BR>

Ernie:<P>No one ever said that Plan A was fair. Or easy. Or that the wayward spouse would ever respond in a way that you would find satisfactory (at first).<P>It is effective, however.<P>Start working on Plan A, with your counselor. Plan A is for you to start learning new marital behaviors that will benefit your marriage and your wife. You should start with the elimination of lovebusters. Once you can get a handle on those, you then start working on meeting those emotional needs that are:<P>1. Important to your wife<BR>2. Ones that she's willing to let you meet<P>You need to establish a consistant track record of new marital behaviors to rebuild her love for you. Do this with the help of your counselor. Expect it to take six months (it probably will be quicker). Your wife is suffering from shock and withdrawal (hopefully---the affair may continue, but it sounds unlikely). It's going to take her some time.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one to do the healing work...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yup, it's not fair. But again, you're the one willing, so you get the nod. If you're effective, hopefully she'll rejoin you in rebuilding the marriage. But a separation at this point would be nothing but punishing for her---she probably wasn't "in love" with you when she had this affair, and it's unlikely that Plan B would help make her miss you more.<P>Consistancy. Patience. Keep a pace that you can sustain.

The only thing I'm missing - and if I missed or misunderstood it in the Plan A docs, let me know, as you can imagine I'm pretty airheaded right now - is the condoning issue. <BR>She was fully expecting me to throw her out forever when she broke the news - I didn't, I told her if she wanted to work it out that I would forgive her. I even haven't been all that emotional because I thought at this point it would be counterproductive (which would've been a LB I guess, without even knowing about them or this site). She seems surprised or even upset that I haven't been more accusatory, demonstrative, etc. She's starting to try and act like her old self again, looking for affection and so forth. But if I start making major deposits and so forth, doesn't it seem like I'm just allowing the behavior and rewarding it with love? Up until now, our relationship has been very one-sided, with me doing a lot more depositing, and her being very selfish (she admits this). It seems like going back to my old way of acting which I would imagine in some way got me IN this mess.

Just make sure you are not acting life a whipped pup. You can doo plan A with self assurance. Let her know that you are aware that shes not the only fish in the sea. Do not be "needy and dependant, be happy and polite and helpful, and cheerful as much as you can possibly bear with the pain you are experiencing. Do not LB about the affair. Agree with all of her feelings and attitudes without resistance. Do not attempt to coerce or pursuade her in any way. Act perfectly happy about things as they are. Ask her If she would mind if you date other people. If you dont want to fall in love or go to bed with another , don't . Just go out and have fun. Force yourself to act happy. All of these things are working for me right now. I call it plan A with an attitude of self assurance.

Ernie:<P>If you haven't yet, buy a copy of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>Surviving an Affair</A>. It will help you get more of the details on what you're dealing with.<P>There's nothing wrong with treating your wife with love and respect. If punishing her would help guarantee you a happy, affair-free marriage; I'd be all for it. In fact, it won't. You should be evaluating what the state of the marriage was up to the point of the affair---and what responsibilities you bear for it being less that "great" (if it was). In essence, while she's responsible for the affair, you both share in the responsibility for the state of the marriage. You need to work on your shortcomings---you need to learn marital skills. Eliminate lovebusters. Meet her needs. Spend time together. Be completely honest (w/o lovebusting).<P>David's suggestion of asking her if she minds if you date other people is assinine (at least in MB terms). You're married---you don't date other people. You also don't have affairs. If you want to stoop to her level---then there's not much help here for you. There's nothing about plan A that condones an affair---you are free to tell your wife how deeply this has hurt you. If you choose to, you need to do it without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, or selfish demands.<P>I'd also suggest to you that you might want to try the MB phone counseling. I don't know about the qualifications of your counselor---but often, many marriage counselors have pretty poor track records. Marriage counseling takes a particular set of skills and a different approach---most therapists don't have a clue. I've done the phone counseling (888-639-1639 for appointments) with Steve Harley, and he is terrific. I'd suggest that you might want to try a session or two.

rem<p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited May 03, 2001).]

Ernie<P>I'm responding here to your reply to the Plan A - 101 post...<P>First of all...<BR>...you have all my sympathy.<P>The "objective" isn't what you think...<P>It is not to get your W back!!! <P>Only she can do it...<BR>...your job is to recognize your earthly limits...<BR>...and surrender as long as you can... to be... perfection!<P>You said... (Yes I'm pretty distraught).<P>You said... At what point does she start to repay the bank, or realize what she needs to do in return?<P>Pal...<BR>...you're at the point where you need to be honest with her...<P>You have to say...<BR>..."I will love you... but it may not be forever...<BR>...I have my <B>forever love</B> for my God and my savior...<P>...that God will accept your repentance...<BR>...my human frailty... may fail me... and for that I apologize!<P>...a commited reconciliation is what I can accept... and soon..."<P>You're closer to Plan B than you realize...<BR>Draft a letter...<BR>...and love her more for the next few weeks than you've ever loved her...<BR>...there is avery strong point to finishing up a Plan A... with a pure a love as you can...<BR>...think it through.<P>Just be prepared for the most gradual of loss of love in Plan B...<BR>...it can be replaced...<BR>...with a faith as strong as yours.<P> <P>Jim

I am up late not able to sleep tonight and I looked at your web site and watched episode 4 of "The Ernie Show", ( but will admit I skipped the performance by Screaming Yellow). Your interview with Dad / Political Analyst was the best part I think. <P>You are very funny, creative, intelligent, and not half as bad looking as your other posts lead me to believe you think you are, or she thinks you are whatever the case may be. She's a lucky woman, and I hope for both your sakes she figures it out before it's too late. Truth is though there is nothing in Plan A that will make her see it if she doesn't want to. <P>I think we all get into the tendency to focus on the negative instead of the positive in our relationships naturally. It takes work to continue to see that 80% of our needs really are still being met when we focus on the 20% that are not, (and I'd bet that is exactly what she has been doing). To be honest, if a relationship gives you 80% of your needs, it's a pretty great relationship, heck I think it could even be done if it only gave you 60%.<P>People tend to look at their partners to fulfill 100% of all their emotional needs, and it's just not realistic. Should you try to, heck ya, but real long term through thick and thin and all life's changes kind of love is not the same as the lust period when everything your partner did was great and exciting, and people get confused about that.<P>Even if you can fill 100% of another person's needs, it's like being in a warm bath, you have to move around in order to feel the heat. You start to not feel as good anymore even though really nothing has changed, and that's normal. That's when it's time to fill the other love tanks too (family, friends, God, etc). We have 10 of them according to John Gray (read "How To Get What You Want And Want What You Have").<P>Don't worry about being a doormat because you are trying to fulfill her needs, if this marriage is what you want then it's fulfilling your needs too in the end to save it. And most especially don't be afraid to tell her what your needs are and how you feel. <P>You look like the kind of guy that could take being a doormat to an unhealthy level. An admiral quality I have in myself that I've found does nothing but hurt me in the long run. If I don't make my needs known and ask for and expect respectful treatment I do not get it, that's just the way it is. And it feels good to take back your power to be happy to whatever degree you are able. Hope this rambling of the best stuff I have learned from all the books I've read has helped you to some degree.<P>Good luck with the show!<P>

Two weeks in my opinion isn't enough time to expect any decent results from plan A. My experience is for the first 4-6 weeks at least it is just "hang on for the most miserable ride of your life". Sorry to put it that way but it is not fun. I think though if you are able to persevere and you know what you want, there can be a pinhole of light at the end of the tunnel. Keep working on plan A even though it doesn't seem to be producing results. Time is what is needed.<P>Good Luck and hang in there.

Nicely put ScaredinNY.<P>That was a gem of a post. Made me feel good reading it and was also inspiring.

Thanks all - some good posts. I feel better. Thanks for the show critique! <P>I guess if this process offers some hope then that's good enough for me to want to try. It just didn't seem like it offered some...but I guess it's pretty early yet. And others here says it works, so I'll trust the process.<P>Ernie