DDay was 3 weeks ago. I am positive the affair is over, and was over when she says it was, which was a while ago. So her being a currently wayward spouse is not the issue.<BR>She is "working it out on her own" re her feelings for me. It's the "think of you as a brother/friend, not a husband" thing. The OM was because of his attractiveness, chemistry. I've been a good husband for her - she admits it freely.<BR>So now she is working it out, and I'm plan a'ing. Except it doesn't seem to be helping - it seems to be making me crazy! <BR>For example, when she told me about A, I told her that from now on I wanted her to keep me somewhat informed as to her wherabouts - like, if she went to martial arts class and she decided to stick around afterwards to practice and she was going to be more than 45 minutes late to call me. Since then she has forgotten this on 3 occasions. The first two I was angry but kept it under control, no LB, just explained how it hurt me and she was breaking her promises. Well last night it happened again and I was ready to have a hemmorage, I was so mad, but I didn't lose it or yell or LB. Afterwards I had to take my shaking self out for a walk and calm down. She's also doing little things gradually since the confession - like she's stopped undressing in front of me, or telling me she loves me, or wanting to do things with me. I keep inviting her out and she's getting more and more reluctant - keeps saying that it doesn't feel right, now.<BR>She is also now sleeping seperately (so she can think "clearly" - we hadn't started this until a few days ago), is annoyed with my wanting to check up on her, and is staying so she can think it through - but acts as if she's doing me a favor staying. When we talk, sometimes she wants comfort and hugs, but I get the definate vibe it's not reaching out or reconciliation, but a shutting down - like she never says forgive me, or I want to stay, but I'm sorry for hurting you and screwing up your life, I want to do the right thing for the right reasons.<BR>So now I see what I think is her gradually pulling away, preparing herself for the split, and pushing my damn buttons too, and I'm plan A'ing her, but it doesn't seem to be working. So what am I to do?<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Hi Ernie,<P>My D-Day Jan25<BR>Alot of LBing in between DDay and start of Plan A<BR>Started Plan A - April 2 - I think I have done a good plan A so far. I am sure there is no PA perhaps the possibility of an EA. But I don't think so.<P>The symptons that you describe are almost exactly the ones that my wife showed and is still showing. However since I started plan A I have noticed definite improvements. The coldness is gone, we are talking about more things and with greater ease, not as uncomfortable. I am so far as happy as I can be with what is currently happening. I have been recently allowed to sleep in our bed again. I thought this was a BIG step, but she said "don't make any moves". And I haven't. We haven't had any real physical contact for maybe three months. It is really getting to me. She is also making plans that involve the future. This also seems like a good sign.<P>But... this seems to be taking so long. I just cannot understand what she is thinking? I cannot understand how we could have gotten so far off track that this could have happened. She has also said that this has nothing to do with me. I cannot understand this as well. She seems to have little or no remorse. This hurts. She doesn't want to talk about what is going on at all. This is tough. She says she wants things to just go back to normal, but as long as we are not supporting each other emotionally, it is not normal. It is all such a crazy, hurtful, surreal, puzzle. For now I am just going to stick with plan A, it does seem to be producing positive results. I will keep it going as long as I can to see if whatever is going on in her head will run its course.<P>Oh yea I just discovered lacy and thong panties in her drawer. I just wanted to go postal but I calmed myself down and will be ok and will not confront her with it. I think they must be from before d-day. I don't know? Maybe I'm being optimistic but I'm 99.9% sure there is no PA. The mind can really play some crazy games, you just gotta look at the big picture.<P>It is tough! We do all the work and get little reward. I suppose if at some point things work out successfully it will be worth it. I am optimistic but preparing for the worst.<P>It also seems to me that three weeks is a little soon to see any results. At least from my experience. And your W's mindset seems similar to my W.<P>Good luck<P>