I've posted in Prayer requests and just found out.<P>We're two weeks into this ride and some of my shock is wearing off.<P>From the reading, a big part of plan A is the WS agreeing to break off contact with the OP. Is there a time frame? My WS has said he will go to counseling, but he's not willing to break off contact. I know it's probably too soon for him (they've only been in their EA & PA for about 3-5 months) to come out of his fog.<P>Tonight was so normal I almost forgot. Then I goofed and reached to hold his hand. I could feel him flinch. I know TIME, PATIENCE...But I have so much doubt. What if he really didn't love me when we married? What if he does really love her? <P>How do you deal with your own EN's? I'm so incredibly sad. Should I still sleep with him? Should I still say "I love you" to him? <P>Cali

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by InShockinCali:<BR><B><BR>From the reading, a big part of plan A is the WS agreeing to break off contact with the OP. Is there a time frame? <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>Plan A is not about the WS agreeing to end contact, but may result in it. More likely the affair will self-destruct, and Plan A sets the stage for your WS seeing it as desirable to work on restoring your marriage when that happens. Then you can ask them to end contact. The time frame involved varies a lot from situation to situation. Most affairs two years or less. If the affair doesn't end after about six months most people will need to go to Plan B to preserve some love for their WS. Again, this is a general rule only, with lots of exceptions.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>How do you deal with your own EN's?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>It's not fair, but they get put on hold while you try to meet as many of his as he will let you. See friends, do things for yourself to preserve your emotional strength, because he probably won't meet your needs until <B>some time after</B> his affair ends.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Should I still sleep with him?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>This is the one I hate to answer, because of the STD and Aids issue. If not for that, I'd say "yes, if you're ok with doing it".<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Should I still say "I love you" to him? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes. No. It all depends . What I mean is that you have to balance meeting his needs as much as he'll let you with giving him enough space that he doesn't feel "smothered". Plan A means meeting needs, "smothering" though will push him away. Don't worry if he talks that way (feeling smothered), they all seem to, but do give him enough distance while coming as close as he's comfortable with. Also, try not to appear needy, this is a real turn off.<P>Keep reading. If you haven't read NSR's <I>Plan A 101 - (2nd ed.)</I> then I recommend that you do so.<P>Hope this helps,<P>Steve<BR><p>[This message has been edited by StillHers (edited May 10, 2001).]

Thanks!<P>I thought for plan A to work, contact had to be broken off first. I can see where I just have to be resolved, be consistent and have patience.<P>I think he does feel smothered, although he has not said the words. I can feel it in his actions. This part is so hard, because just being next to him makes me feel safe and whole.<P>The most hurtful part is that he says he never really loved me that way, that I convinced him to get married. So he has to wait until 12 years have passed and we have three children to decide he doesn't really want to be married? And he really believes he can be a better parent outside of marriage.<P>As for the OW, I used to work with her. She now works at his school. I watched her do this with other men. I pray that she will be revealed. That she will get tired and move on. (She's in her 4th marriage presently.)<P>Thanks again. I feel a little better today. I have to remember that its early days yet.<P>Cali

InShock<P>StillHers gave you some wonderful advice, follow it. Yes it's hard but do it. I wonder about you saying just being next to him makes you feel safe and whole. Get on with YOUR life, and by this I mean don't center everything around him and whether he is going to be there or not, do the things that you and your kids want to do, don't wait for him or make excuses for him. Find things to do just for you, get selfish a little bit!! This can be fun find a friend to go out with, even if it's just to the mall.<P>You did not force him to marry you all those years ago, that was his choice as was fathring three children, at that time that is what he wanted, right now he is caught in a fog and is not clearly seeing what was nor what is to come. My H has said the same thing about our 20 year marriage and three kids, says he always meant to say something, jsut never did, that is his problem. He is my H and I still love him and he can't change that, he can do things that will make me fell differently, I want to to be here for him when the fog lifts, and to help my friend through this, so he stays and so do I.<P>Good Luck, and best wishes. Patience is a powerful thing!

<BR>Thanks for the advice Daybreak. You reminded me of the early days of my marriage. Many of my friends and coworkers felt I centered myself too much around him.<BR>Funny over the years I have developed my career and am moving forward at a pretty good pace. (H has not come along as fast.)I have been doing many things without him--and you're right, I will continue!<P>Yesterday I had an evening class and H did not pick up children when I thought he would. I automatically thought he was with OW. So I decided not to go home right away. I chatted with a couple of women about my stuff and another woman who is going through similar stuff. By the time I came home my anger was in check. I ignored him, read a magazine and fell asleep on the couch. Then today, he related his sequence of events and why he didn't get the children at the time I expected. He may have been lying, but I doubt it, as I did not ask him why he got them so late. <P>I have not brought up our situation at all. I am trying to act as loving and trusting as I was three weeks ago. <P>The support here is tremendous!<BR>Thanks,<BR>Cali<BR>