It's been 7 weeks today since I discovers that my WS was having affairs with at least 10 women over the last 2 years. (See my posting in his formum "Questions about ending affairs", 5/4/2001, for the full story.) I've been trying so hard to keep myself from falling apart. Was doing better lately, then yesterday I started to unravel. Today I feel as awful as I did the day I found out. I hurt mentally, physically and am nausious (cannot spell today either). Sitting at my desk shaking, wondering how i'm going to attend a meeting in a 20 minutes. <P>My H is being very supportive. Says that he knows that what he did is wrong and is responsible to lead the way in repairing our relationship. I don't think he has contact with other women, but how would I know. He tells me it's all over. How do all of you do it? How do you stop the video of your WS with the other(s)? Recently, more and more, when he says those "sweet" things to me, hugs me, etc. A voice in my head says, "did you say this to Alison too? How about Mary....and so on." It's as though there are at least 10 other women with us at all times, even (or maybe especially) in bed. I want the mental video and chatter to stop. How do I get it to stop.<P>My WS is on business travel this week. He travels about half the time. I know I do better emotionally when he is in town. He is looking for a job locally because we know that the travel is one of the things that has to stop. <P>We are both in individual counceling and will start marital counceling soon. I'm on anti-depressents so I can function. We are working the MB stuff. What I need is help with the daily struggle. How do i stop the video? How do I stop torturing myself with this stuff. How do I get to feel like I'm important to him, like i'm unique to him?<P>What have all of you done?<P>E

I think we all struggle with this one, however you obviously have more to deal with the others, including myself. I posted once before about whether I should ask for details and have gotten a big no way from everyone. Good advice I think and that is why I hope what little advice I can offer can help some.<BR>I brought up the fact that the images of H with the OW would pop in my head. Now I am different because I don't know what they did. But the images are still there. My therapist says that the next time I feel that way to tell my H I feel that way. Tell him what it is that triggers it. I don't know if it is just the act of it or if it is something he does that does it. SHe then says that H should then ask if I want to stop or if I want him to do something else. This openess has helped us get through it. Although there are still moments where she is there with us (faceless because I dont' know what she looks like). I try to talk myself out of those thoughts. My inner voice is the devil's advocate on my shoulder. I have to talk myself down before it spirals into something bigger.<P>It sounds like you spouse is really trying to work on your marriage. Be honest with him in your feelings and work together in what he can do to help you get over this. For me it was the reassurance that he was happy, glad he came back to me and felt remorse if not repulsed by what he has done. That is what I needed and still need. <P>It will take time as they say and you have much more to get over than some. But it can be done I think. With the two of you working together to help each other get over the hurt, resentment, guilt, shame, and everything else that goes along with this.<P>I think you should bring this topic up in your couple session. My councellor is a great one and she has helped us a great deal. I wish you all the luck and if you ever want to talk you can email me anytime. simranrupert@hotmail.com<P>Take care and stay strong....you can do this!<BR>Rhonda<BR>

I took your suggestion last night. Even read your response to my H. His response was that if it helps then please bring it up. <P>Told my H that I don't feel special or unique to him. Feel like one of a crowd. He told me how I am different. Like he loves me and he has/had no emotional feels for any of them. He also said that all of them put together don't make up who I am. (I know it sounds like a great line but I'm a sucker for it.) And he discussed other things. Does not take it all away, but atleast he's talking and trying.<P><BR>I spent a good part of yesterday redirecting my thoughts. Like your suggestion. You are right that if I let them continue my mental state goes down hill.<P>I prayed a lot too through out the day for the strength to get through this and for peace of mind. I'm doing much better today.<P>Thanks,<BR>E

I am glad I could help. If you are anything like me, I like those great lines too. It is the reassurance that we all need that we are special to our spouses and we need a lot of it. Sometimes the spouse feels they said it what is the problem. The problem is we need more and it will be a while before we don't need to hear it so much. Hopefully it won't stop ever and we continue to hear why we are so special to our spouses.<P>It is great your H is so receptive and I wish you two all the luck. It sounds you are well on your way to recovery. Our inner voice is our worse enemy and we have all grown up with the negative impacts it has on our lives. Whenever you catch yourself talking negative to yourself just turn it around to something positive. Say it outloud and keep saying it until your inner voice says...ok ok, I get it now.<P>Keep strong, you are doing great.<P>Rhonda

I had a much better weekend. As a matter of fact I had a wonderful weekend. Once my H returned from his trip, we spent the weekend taking care of ourselves. The kids (11,12,13) were fine, they are old enough to take care of themselves mostly now.<P>So I was pampered, we talked, talked and talked. And I've been redirecting the negative thoughts. Still having some ups and downs. But the downs have been very short lived.<P>Thanks<BR>E<BR>