So dday (wife's affair) was 4-5 weeks ago now. Have tried to plan A. Wife is actively fighting it - if I try to be affectionate (not sex), tell her I love her, she gets distant. She started sleeping seperately to "clear her head" a few weeks ago- ditto to casual nudity,etc. Wife claims that everything in relationship is perfect, except that she is not "in love" with me, she thinks....more like roomates with her best friend. That is kinda where the relationship is now - when we aren't discussing ourselves (which she does not want to do) then we're like best friends who are rommates. To me, that's not good enough. I know she'd like the relationship to be that way - this way she gets the parts of me she likes without dealing with the fact of her feelings.<BR>She admits she wants to leave, but thinks it might be a mistake - she loves my family (who is more family then HER family), our friendship, our life - and doesn't want to give it up. But she knows if she can't be a "wife" than it can't go on.<BR>My question is whether or not some Plan B is in order. No, she's not cheating on me anymore. But she is very conmfortable with the relationship, and she *knows* I would NEVER throw her out, always take her back, etc. Also the relationship has always been one-sided: she's never been jealous of me, never worried about my honesty, etc. Would a Plan B help her to realize what she would be giving up? Maybe something short, like a couple weeks, just for a taste? She is strongly, actively avoiding any A'ing to build anything stronger than friends. <BR>Thanks all - everyone has helped me a lot to goet through this.<BR>Ernie<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Ernie...<P>I don't know you nor your story really... but I felt I wanted to comment on your questions. Personally, I'd avoid Plan B <I>unless</I> you feel like your love for her is draining away. I think Plan B's intent was to let the spouse know the seriousness of the affair and if she's stopped, well, you now have an arena where you can meet her emotional needs.<P>If you have all of your lovebusters in check (angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, etc.), then work on the four rules of marriage/love: care, protection, time and ... can't remember the 4th on (it's on this site somewhere).<P>Plan A - with the goal of changing YOU not to win her back. Plan A to <B>give</B> to her without expecting in return... Plan A to make yourself the man God intended you to be, end of story.<P>Might I add that I find this immensely easier to say than do on a consistent basis. It's only been 4-5 weeks since the affair or end of affair? That's not a lot of time... set yourself small goals for the day... - unrelated to her but totally related to you. Well, they can be related to her to the extent that you are endeavoring to meet her emotional needs (EN) and avoiding any lovebusting behavior that repels her.<P>If you can talk, then you can move forward in gaining those "lovin' feelings" again... good luck!<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

The story is that she married me because she knew I'd be an excellent husband and provider, and that we were best friends already for years, ad of course that I was madly in love with her and treated her like gold. BUt she claims that maybe she married me for the wrong reasons, that the chemistry (on her side) might never been there. And, when given an opportunity to have a fling with a guy who set off her chemistry, she did. She isn't now, but the whole thing led her to doubt whether or not this relationship was right. We've had this issue over the years, mostly with sex, where she never was that interested, and always passed it off as too tired, too busy,etc.<P>SO now she's thinking about what to do, and if I had to make an estimate I think she's more inclined to leave - except the life we DO have is so good she doesn't want to lose it. If she could, she'd stay friends and roommates with me. <P>So now I'm doing PLan A with everything I've got - enough that she's pretty amazed at it, instead of LBing her, which is what she was expecting. But she keeps taking these little steps away, and rejecting the Aing I give her. So I'm wondering if a short spell away from me so she can see what life would be like without me would be in order. Can you really use A on someone in this circumstance? She is content for me Aing her, and she drinks it in without any thought for paying me back, just like she did for years before. Plus, I was Aing her for years before this all happened! She even admits to it! She keeps saying that my doing this is a waste of time, that she doesn't have those feelings and can't magically GET those feelings....so you can see why I'm all emotional.<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Ernie. My situation has some parallels to yours. My D-Day was over 6 months ago. EA for sure, maybe more. Started my Plan A in Dec. 2000. Just starting to see real progress in the past couple of weeks. I'm definately on the long end as most A's end before that.<P>W. really wasn't interested in ending contact with OM. That was our first obstacle. The Harleys are clear in that true recovery isn't possible until separation occurs. Are you sure of "no contact"? My W. would swear there hadn't been with her, but she remained distant (emotionally) from me, no intimacy, didn't know what she wanted,...This went on for months and it's draining. She was always civil to me, and usually in a good mood but I had the nagging feeling the A. continued. I would come across proof to back it up on occasion as well. She could see I was trying my best to meet her EN's and avoiding LB's and to be a better husband. I also think she was enjoying the benefits of 2 relationships. She knew I didn't want a divorce. I would suspect your W. is still in the Fog. I was given alot of the same responses: we're good friends, the roommate thing, the lack of chemistry between us - I think they try and convince themselves of this.<P>What I've learned is that you can only change YOU. We all know this at some level. I stopped being a doormat. I lovingly, and in my best non-LBing way, told her I could not accept this situation. She too, resisted my Plan A. I still loved her and never went to Plan B. We were fairly close though.<P>Do try to hang in there, my friend. Read all you can on this site. I recommend the book SAA - it goes more in to detail. Time & patience. In my case, W. is starting to be affectionate again and I think that spark is coming back. I wouldn't give up just yet.<p>[This message has been edited by Ifeelstupid (edited May 14, 2001).]

Ernie,<P>Is your wife at all willing to see a marriage counselor or at least read books? If she were to do some serious self-exam I think she would find that her alleged non-attraction to you is not what she thinks.<P>There are so many excellent books to recommend for her that I barely know where to begin. One is "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck, (great book, this one helped me a long time ago to figure out why I kept ending up looking for love in ALL the wrong places). Another is "Dealing With Differences In Marriage" by Brent Barlow. Another is "How to get what you want and want what you have" by John Gray. <P>I think a good counselor is really hugely important do some research and try to get recommendations if possible to find the best in your area, it's cheaper than a divorce and well worth it. I think two people should have to earn theit way out of a marriage before a divorce court will even hear the case. "Have you both tried every thing you can do as individuals and every bit of advice from trained professionals?", this should be a prerequisite of proof like having to prove to unemployment you are actually trying to get a job before family court even takes a look at a divorce I think. Find a counselor who has similar morals and views on marriage to you. In my opinion there are alot of fruit loops out there, but there are also some good people who will put keeping your marriage together at the same priority level you do. If you are religious try to get a recommendation from your bishop/priest/rabbi/etc for someone of the same belief. You might want to try going to a marriage building weekend seminar too. Here is a link to a free online one, and a guy who I would recommend if you were to go to one <A HREF="http://www.oprah.com/phil/rescue/phil_rescue_main.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.oprah.com/phil/rescue/phil_rescue_main.html</A> <P>Also, maybe you should try talking to her about her sexual needs, "chemistry" is highly over sold and great for romantic novels and soap operas, but in real life I think that two people who are willing to be open and a little creative, who have great communication and care for each others needs already have all the chemistry they need to create a great, fulfilling sex life. If she is willing to try, this does take two. <P>Staying away from sex with you is helping her to distance herself and not really doing anything productive, but that is my opinion. Maybe a little open-minded, relaxed communication about both your desires/fantasies might help to get her thinking in the right direction, and give you ideas to use if the opportunity should arise, just a thought.<BR>

When I found out, I insisted we start therapy. We both went to one, and she's gone to two more since. The therapist is sorta of the same mind as me, and wants her to work on improving the marriage, not "deciding if she should stay". She has a lot of issues, sadly - she was raised by an alcoholic abusive father, and has a lot of anger issues. But for example last night we were talking about this, and all she could say was that she didn't think she had feelings for me, and it wasn't something I could do anything about. I tried to mention that I could make some changes, if it met her needs - I could work on improving my appearance (not that it is BAD, but I am overweight and not very stylish)...but she said she doesn't think that it would make a difference, although she admits she doesn't know this for sure. She also says that my boyish demeanor is unattractive (I'm 32, always been a little of a big kid). But, the funny thing is the type of guy she has always been attracted to are that - good looking, stylish, charming JERKS who abuse women! In fact that was the kind of guy she cheated on me with! So go figure! As far as her needs, she says I'm meeting them...she says I've been the best lover she's ever had, and in fact when we met she was very prudish and inhibited but I've coaxed her out of her shell and we have good sex, when it happens, which isn't that often or anymore.<BR>On the other hand, I want to hope...she still wants love and affection and cuddling and so forth, but she wants it from her best friend, she doesn't want anything from me as a husband, and the idea of making love or children seems to be repelling her more and more.<P>

I was thinking of something else. You are a comedian - don't you think that may have been an attraction for your W to start with? I am an (amateur) musician and I know that was a part of me my W was attracted to. I had given up on music for a period of time (during the A) but got back in to it as a part of my self-improving Plan A. It is my passion. Do the things that you enjoy as long as they aren't at the expense of something else. For me, I became so consumed, distracted and obsessed by this mess, I had given up ALL of the things I enjoy. It didn't help.<P>My situation has greatly improved recently but my W has gotten the "taste" of something else. I think what can result is a form of depression during this period of withdrawl. May well be what you're experiencing. I am not sure she will ever truly appreciate me. I am not convinced she won't be tempted again. That's why we must do the best to improve ourselves. There's no guarantee that Plan A or B is gonna work, but we will be better people as a result. <P>Give yourself a mental vacation. What are your passions? Exercise, even a small amount, helps me to relieve the stress. I started running - something I hadn't done in 20 years. I also started to loose myself in cooking. Whatever your interests are. At least you two are still talking and she hasn't moved out. Build on the positives even if they're small things.

<"she was raised by an alcoholic abusive father"><P>This explains alot Ernie. An awful lot. Even if you are the only one that reads them for now get books on childhood abuse and alchoholic families to help you understand if not her eventually. "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck also. Most likely she is still being attracted to these guys because she has not yet dealt with these childhood traumas. I would bet just about anything this is not really about you or her love for you at all.<BR>