Hi, all. I'm relatively new to this forum, although my D-Day was back in September. It's been a long, hard road, and I've finally got up the gumption to write and ask some questions.<P>First, I should say that I've been reading a ton of the posts on the board, and I'm amazed at both the diversity of situations and the similarities in emotions. It's definitely helped me to see that I'm not the only one feeling out of control at times.<P>I'm having a lot of trouble with Plan A. I seem to follow a cycle of being able to pull it off very well for a few days at a time, then something upsetting will happen (finding evidence of contact with the OW, etc.), and I totally falter. Even if I don't fully LB, I'm unable to project the sea of calm, happy feelings that's so essential, and he picks up on it and we lose ground.<P>In general, I have it pretty good; he's told me that he knows it's never going to work with the OW, but he's having a hard time ending it forever. They haven't had physical contact for 4 months, but they talk on the phone daily. He's tried to end it a couple of times, but they end up "reconnecting", as he puts it. <P>For example, this past Monday he had a major fog-lift and really opened up to me and said he was ready to cut her off forever. He asked me if he could call her and "close it off completely", and I said of course. But somehow (duh!) that didn't happen.<P>I'd gotten my hopes up so high when he opened up and said he was ready to end it, that when it didn't happen, I felt shattered. I couldn't pull my plan A back together, and now there's distance again. I haven't done any major LBing, but I cut him off on the phone yesterday, and he just pulled away. I feel like I'm backsliding, and I need a mechanism in place to stop it. <P>What do others of you do when your emotions feel out of control? Why can't I be stronger?? This relationship is the most important thing in my life, yet I can't keep my hurt and (sometimes) rage in check enough to win his trust for a long enough time. He was really turning to me, and now I've pushed him away again. <P>Does anyone else have a cycle of being able to plan a and then faltering? I feel so weak and inferior to the OW, who knows how to play to his emotions so much better than I do. <P>Thanks for letting me vent. <P>ellie

ellie1:<P>Hey, it sounds as though you're doing a terrific job in plan A. This would be my suggestions to you.<P>1. Start some counseling with either Steve or Jenn Harley (888-639-1639 for appointments). They're terrific---and they'll help motivate you, give you hope, and polish your Plan A. They may also get your husband involved in the counseling, which would be a good thing.<P>2. If you've been doing Plan A for 8 months, you're probably getting near the "end of the rope" as far as frustration goes. I would suggest that you may need to prepare to move to Plan B soon. That's another reason to do the counseling---it'll put that off for a while (you'll get extra "Plan A energy"), and Steve or Jenn will be able to assess when you're ready for the move to Plan B.<P>Other than that, it sounds like you're doing great. My wife ended her affair (upon the threat of Plan B). But when it restarted, I did a major LBing session. It was at that point that I think I knew that I needed to do another month or two of Plan A, and then move to Plan B. Your feelings are completely normal, and it sounds like you're handling yourself well.

Welcome <B>ellie1</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do follow along with what <B>K</B> has told you...<BR>...he doesn't steer anyone the wrong way!<P>Remember that Plan A is to focus on <B>your</B> changes first and foremost! The effects on the WS are <I>not</I> quaranteed... and building expectations that the WS will recognize the changes in you may be unrealiztic.<P>Do "study" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>I think your far away from the need for a Plan B...<BR>...but do check out my other posts...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I have been doing the exact same thing as you. It's awful the guilt I'm feeling! I know better, yet I still LB!! My nasty deed was done just this past Sunday.<P>I know it's made me feel better to read your post to reaffirm that we're only human. I hope you can find some comfort from me too, knowing I've done MAJOR LBing after a really great couple of weeks.<P>Karen<BR>