Dear Friends,<P>I guess anyone could say that I am a "High Maintainence" woman. I need a lot of attention, support, affection and love from my spouse and I need it in certain ways. Sounds demanding, huh? I'll bet I'm not alone though. Since we met, my H has displayed a knack for meeting those needs to a "T" most of the time. But there are times when occasionally he falls short of being there for me. Never out of a lack of interest or energy, but because he cannot see eye to eye with me on some issues.<P>Point in case: this AM as we went to bed after working long night shifts, my worries about my mother's newly diagnosed breast cancer surfaced and I started crying, I'd actually even been crying before I got into bed but didn't want him to see me. I didn't have the words to talk about it right then. There are a lot of unknowns right now about her condition - it may be something that can be eliminated with further surgery. Or, it might not be - in the words of her doctor "We may be dealing with something that's a whole lot worse that we realize right now." <P>So, here I am beginning to deal with this bundle of sh*t and I really just need to talk when I'm calm and be held while I'm crying. Which he did hold me this AM. But after I'd cried for a few moments (longer than I guess he deemed appropriate for 'worry concerning cancer found in mother') he asked me "I don't see what you're so upset about anyway." Or words to that effect. At that point, as I said before, I didn't have it in me to explain to him that this is far more painful that I'm letting on to anyone. I mean I go to the bathroom at work for a quick pit-stop and because I've stopped running around and have a second to think, I start crying! It just wells up, and it's getting too much to hold inside. And I DONT want to bring it up when I'm not thinking directly about it. So, feeling hurt, misunderstood, and angry, I told him to get off of me. We slept apart, not touching. When we awake, he acts like nothing happened. "What's the matter," he asks. <P>I know I need to find a way to communicate better with him at these times. He's not a mind reader and he's got things he's upset about too. But he needs to realize that this is the kind of thing that began the cracks in the foundation of our relationship a long time ago. It just never changes. I feel like he KNOWS me and he's just playing possum, acting like he has NO CLUE what he said or did that upset me. I also feel like he knew what I needed earlier when I was crying, but because he feels like it's too soon to worry until we know more, he witheld his support. I think he's being stubborn and unyeilding and harsh because he would deal with this situation differently were it his mother (god forbid). <P>So, kids, any ideas on how I can better communicate with my H? We are both at the end of our ropes with this issue - it's like hearing the same record being played over and over and over ... How do I change my way of communication to make it more effective? <P>Khyra <P>

Khyra,<BR> I guess my question is, why not just answer the question? Us guys are pretty behind you girls in the feelings department ya know. Quite dumb to say the least. We WANT to understand, but sadly enough hardly "feel" with the same depth that women do. <BR> Your best way to better communicate with your H is to simply be more "patient" to his stupidity in this area. Don't expect him to "read your mind" HE CAN'T!! Any more than YOU can read his!! PRAYERS FRANK

Khyra,<BR>I am understanding, more than you know. Been there with my Mother too, just this year. When it rains, it pours!<P>You are one of the luckiest people I know, I read your profile, I have concluded that you need people to listen to you, and feel your hurt, give you alot of compassion. Me too. I get all that from my H. So can you.<BR> <BR>You are playing a game with him, I did that also.......If he guesses, he wins,,,,,,If he doesn't, we get angry. We want them to say all the right things, but we are the only ones that know what they are,,,,, we know what is in our minds and we know what WE would say. You need to communicate with WORDS,,,,,,,, you need to tell him right out what is wrong. The poor guy is probably thinking there is something wrong again, or you are getting mixed up with someone again. Sorry,,,, but he may be thinking that. I was the one who was betrayed, and every time my H changed his expression on his face, My mind started wandering to the negative. It just takes sooo long to believe, even after we have made the commitment to go on. Even when we say we believe, we don't. It takes TIME. We are 22 months in recovery, and have been married 30 years. I am finally getting there. I believe now, but I still hurt.<P>So if it's because of your Mother,,,,,tell him out right, let him comfort you. It is so much easier to go through it with their help. If my H hadn't been there for me, hadn't given me strength, I wouldn't have made it, I'm sure. Needing each other, will only bring you closer, will bring back the deep love, will get you through the rest of your life together. Again I must say.....You are so lucky to have him. Talk, Talk, Talk.<P>PS.... I hope things improve for your Mother. (((hug)))<P>Almost Happy<P>---------<BR>TIME

I have been in your same situation also with my mother, her sister and my cousin. It is a scary thing to deal with.<P>As for your husband, maybe the poor guy is confused. See, as I read your post what stood out to me was first you said you had been crying before you went to bed but was not able to talk about it. Then after you went to bed you wanted him to comfort you.<BR>I would imagine that H has a hard time knowing when you want comfort and when you want space. All I can say is COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE. That is where we all fall short in marriages, besides the fact that we are different sexes and think and feel so differently.<P>Also, with all you are dealing with do you think an anti-depressant would be helpful to you? Just something to consider.<P>I hope your Mom does great!

Khyra,<BR> Your H loves you, but he is a man and just may not realize what you need. I have learned that sometimes men just don't understand us women. It is not that they don't care or don't love us or won't do anything for us, but sometimes they just don't know. You need to tell him extactly what is bothering you and what he can do to help you through it. He seems like he would do anything for you, give him the chance. Monique

Khyra-first off let me send my prayers to you and yours due to your mothers illness.<BR>Now, as a guy, my W had her brother die of luekemia- and i did fail her in may ways. Being heartless, judgemental, etc. I am very ashamed by the way i had acted towards her- and the hurt i caused her on top of her loss. guys can be such a-holes sometimes.<BR>Yes, we dont understand emotions most of the time- because we dont respond as woment do- and also, we are brought up to be "tough-guys" , big boys dont cry, etc. ( BTW, my 4 yr. old asked me "big boys dont cry , right dad?". god that made me flinch- old-school crap).<BR>From experience, guys, like me, need hit in the head with a load of bricks to understand women- especially our spouses. Christ i that i knew her so well, then again maybe i dont,...anywho, by simpoy telling him ( emotionally or not) that you are not filling your needs when you need him most - number one is a big love deposit, number two hits like a shovel. <BR>I know our marriage had such poor coimmunication for so long- jesus, i wish i had spent more time with her.<BR>BTW.. I think we are all high maintenance, lord knows i am- i need affection and attention just like anyone- i was afraid of that for so long- made me unmanly- that it hurt. today thats ok.<BR>hope things geyt better

Thanks for your support and warm feelings - I need those right now!<P>Frank,<BR>Give yourself a little credit! Men aren't stupid, but they aren't mind readers. That'smy famous saying to demanding Doctors or Patients at work - "Sorry, I left my Magic Psychic Thinking Cap at home today..." I need to work on finding the strength and patience to talk to him in thses moments. Thanks for your help!<P>Almost Happy,<BR>You hit home. It is sort of a game, isn't it. I just never looked at it that way before. Makes it pretty hard for him to win, although he's done amazingly well thus far. I suppose in my haste and immaturity, I EXPECT him to know .... Unfair, yes. Need to change this, yes - yes. As far as him thinking smething's going on, I sure hope he doesn't - but I'll do anything to kepp that from occurring again!<BR>I am glad to hear that you are beginning to trust your H again - that's encouraging news! How is your mom doing ith her cancer? How are YOU doing with her cancer?<BR>Be honest - I deal with it frequently at work (ER Nurse).<P>Susan,<BR>Yes - Communicate, Communicate, Communicate - it's a good mantra to live by. When pain is great, it can be hard for me to talk about it, especially if I fear disappoval. Yet another area of my life effected by a poor self-esteem. <BR>I am sorry to hear you have gone thru this three-fold. One thing alll of us womn have to remember is that this disease is HEREDITARY! SCary... <BR>No antidepressants for me, I'm pregnant! <P>Monique,<BR>I hear ya, you are re-enforcing what the others have said, and I do need to hear it, thanks.<P>Cove,<BR>It sounds like you have doen a lot of growing in our time. Growing can be so painful and done because of experiences that tear us apart. Can I ask you a question?<BR>What cased you to be judgemental of your W? Did it have to do with other issues or with the way she was grieveing or what? I feel that H is a little judgemental as well at times. He's even admitted how he's less likely to put up with my crapola now, after what I have done. <P><BR>He also said that this experience has caused him to plunge into a state he'd grown out of a long time ago - one where he is "shut off." Sad part is, I was one of few people who make him want to turn his emotions back on. I understood this after we talked last night - had a really good heart to heart.<P>I finally told him details about why I was upset, and he listened to me bemoan these awful circumstances. Just when I figured I already knew what he'd say, he helped me see things in a more positive light. Well, want to type more now, but morning sickness has reared it's nasty head (ugh) and I have to get ready fo work.<P>Thanks to alll for your support, prayers, help, and love. These are the greatest gifts there are.<P>Carrie<P> <P>

I'll be honest and show how heartless and ugly i could have been.<P>Ben suffered for years with the cancer, remission, hospitals, etc...by the time he had died i had gotten sick of being further on down the totem pole of importance and started to withdrawal. I aint saying i was pissed her broyther came first, but everybody came first, second and third. I felt like I was languashing in 6th or 7th place all the time. By that time, my lovebank was so empty that I could've cared less. And, yeah, it had alot to do with the emotional responses and being uncomfortable.

Khyra,<BR>Thanks for responding, I'm glad I could point out a few things to you. I come around every so often and see if there is anything that I can relate to....and share things that I have learned. A year ago I would have had trouble responding to a betrayer, I am different now, nothing bothers me since I've been through all this, I am happy and in a safe place again. <P>My Mom? Well........It pains me to say that she passed away in July with a brain tumor. I had to choose between being with her at times and being with my H. It was very difficult, but I made all the right decisions at the right times,, you see....my Mom was my best friend, went through my hardest times with me....and understood. She still gives me strength. <BR>Good luck to you and your H, and just keep holding your Mom close to you, she will NEVER let you go.<P>Almost Happy<P>-------<BR>TIME

Khyra -<BR>I'm a little late in responding and my two cents worth has basically already been said. I try and read your posts because I can relate to your similar situations and it is comforting to know that I am not the only one.<BR>When I was going thru the major part of 'ending' my EA/telling my H/etc. - I cried a lot. At least twice a day...sometimes a lot more. I hid it from my H because I didn't want him to know that I was hurting. I also didn't want to 'bother' him with my emotions. It took me a long time to understand that in being my husband - he must deal with and help me thru my emotions. It is one of my needs that he must try and meet, just like I must try and meet his needs.<P>Tell your H what you need. Don't just hold it in. Talk about what is upsetting you AS WELL as communicate to him HOW he can help. This is something that my H and I struggle with often - communicating to each other HOW we can meet the needs of one another. We all know what they are but everyone is different when it comes to the 'HOW' part.<P>Hope my rambling on makes sense to you. Take care Khyra,<BR>Brynn

Almost,<P>I hate cancer and everything it puts humans through. I am so sorry to hear of your Mom's struggle. But it's good to hear that you feel you spent your time wisely with her. That's important. Thanks so mush for your kind words and support.<P>Brynn,<P>Hi, there sweetie. I look for your posts too. I haven't had all the time I need to respond to all of em - I hate having unfinished business. YOu don't ramble, you make perfect sense. And I can truly relate! I'll keep looking for ya .. might even see you in "Infidelity"<P>K

Khyra - your H gave me your e-mail address. Do you mind if I use it one of these days?<P>Take Care of yourself -<BR>Brynn