Hi MC,<P>I read your post on WAT's thread and wanted to bring you up on your own post so that your concerns can be addressed to you. I visit this site to see how some of my 'friends' are doing. I hope this is ok, if not let me know and I can delete this post. <P>Here is your post from Wat's thread:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by More Confident:<BR><B>This is my first post on this board. I have been reading about the topic started by worthatry and just wanted to share that I have just entered the plan B mode after about 11 months of Plan A. <BR>Basically, my H kept relapsing into his affair, and the emotional rollercoaster was unbearable for me. I had to shut down communication with him in self defense because the interaction was just making the hurt and feelings of betrayal more intense.<BR>We are on the third divorce complaint after he manipulated me to drop the other 2. I say manipulated becasue I later found out that he really had not terminated the affair, well knowing that that was a requirement. He did not participate enthusiastically in counseling, and lied during sessions to appease me. However, I always found out the truth, and he chastised me for finding out and snooping, rather than regretting his continued dishonesty. <BR>I have accelerated the divorce, and have raised the issue of restricting his visitations becasue the person that he is involved is of poor moral character and lifestyle which would be detrimental to our 13 year old son. My H is in denial that he is involved with the wrong type: a 21 year-old go-go dancer (stripper), mother of 2 infants, addict, and still involved with the 23 year old addict/convict father of her children who is threatening my H's life. My H is now very vengeful toward me for finally closing the door on his behavior. He now says that his affair is over (to protect visitation) and is attempting to discredit my parenting abilities because I raged at him frequently either at frequent triggers or new betrayals. I do not have reason to rage or be upset as long as I do not have to have contact with my H, which I am doing. <BR>I am working at geting my independent life in order and keeping myself as healthy as ossible, emotionally as well as physically. I've built up a network of friends who understand what I'm going through and have been in counseling since this started a year ago. All of these things have given me more confidence to face the future divorced, if that is where this plan B is heading. <BR>I have alwasy said that I would love to have my old married life back with the man I trusted for 17 years. However, that man doesn't exist anymore, and he is so changed that I do not even know how to relate to him anymore. This affair has totally destroyed the goodness that my H once had, and it is difficult to understand how this could have happened so suddenly. Whereas I once felt that I could help my husband by being there for him while he "found" himself again, I no longer have the energy to keep trying. It's time he put his own effort into it, or continue to sink deeper until he finally realizes it himself. When that time comes, hopefully I will be a stronger person and not hurting as much as I am now. I hope to be involved in new activities and hopefully, a constructive new loving relationship so that I do not have to be involved in getting him out of his mess. Hopefully his family and friends will be there when he needs them.<BR>This is my up to date story. It changes daily, but I think I'm on the right track.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Based on the above, I would like to welcome you to MB.com and share some of the basic concepts you need to get acquainted with in order to get the best use out of this site. There are some short cut type of cheat sheets put together by 2 of our posters (Bill and Jim) that are very helpful. Please read and review them. Also some additional options are the books out here called Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. There are others that are just as helpful depending on your situation. <BR>Telephone counseling is also available and can be done as a couple or individually. I highly recommend it. As you can see from WAT's post many are recommending this option. <P>Here is the thread:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html</A> <P>Hope this info is helpful. Like yourself, we are all going through a lot. Support is available here. Please review the information and let us know how we can help. <P>Take Care, <P>L.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited May 22, 2001).]

Thanks, Orchid. I realy liked Bill's outline and I will print it out to refer to it often when I'm trying to think this through. I have read many of the references and feel that I have a handle on things. I seem to be at Plan B, because my H could not put an end to his affair and I did not have the opportunity to build up too many love units. Just when I thought we were doing well and I would start to feel secure, I would find out that he had restarted. This went on 7-8 times over the course of a year. I finally had to shut him out of my life in order to preserve my sanity. I feel that our separation is giving him the space to do his thing without me hurting as much. My love for him is dwindling by the minute, and I feel that I am on the road to a healthier mindset and acceptance that this marriage is over. If and when he comes to his senses, I feel it might be too late, particularly since he is not the humble type who would ever admit his error.<BR>

Hi MC, <P>You have been dealing with this for a while and your mind set sounds like you are in a type of plan B. Here is what helped me after dealing with this for about 4 months. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>It is about the stages of grieving. While there eventually is progress, we often get our hopes up that we will never go backwards. This is foolish thinking because that is all our WSs seem to be doing and sometimes they take us backwards. This is frustrating. These stages of grieving help make those steps in a more managable size so our recovery process is not such a big step. <P>You appear to be doing better than most at this stage right now but remember it is ok to cry, vent, be frustrated and angry at times. Some of us here have a crazy sense of humor and often this helps us out of the tunnel vision frame of mind when we just want to be angry at the world and everyone around us. <P>Take Care and keep posting. <P>L.<BR>

Hi Mc,<P>Haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing?<P>L.<BR>

Hi Orchid- I'm fine right now, but really had a horrible day. Thanks for asking. I've looked at your references and they help.<P>All day I felt very depressed about how sad my life has become. My son is not doing well in school and it can be traced to our unhappy family situation. I try to be positive and upbeat, (thus the name More Confident) but there are days that I am full of doubt and uncertainty. My husband appears to be relishing his independence and has not really been remorseful or hit bottom yet from his affair. In fact, he's rushing me to settle divorce terms so that he can move on with his life. <P>While I would want to believe that there is a part of him that still wants to save our marriage, he has not really shown any committment to rebuilding our marriage and is not very sensitive of my hurt and anger over the impact that his affair has had on destroying our family. I'm firmly on my third month of Plan B, and trying to be consistent. I am afraid of letting down on plan B and softening up with him because he will only abuse my trust again with false promises, as he's done seven times during the past year. <P>I guess I'm saddened that my marriage appears terminal and I wish it wasn't so. I wish that I were farther along in rebuilding my new life and putting the pain behind me. I can't wait for that day to come. <BR>

Dear MC,<P>I am glad to hear from you but sorry you are having such a rough time. You mentioned that your H is rushing you to get the divorce going? Why can't the work to do that be placed on him? <P>When my H told me he was planning to divorce me, I said, ok go ahead. I did my research but he needed to do the work. It is not an easy process even without emotional ties. <P>I have found out (the hard way) that being an enabler (giver) is not always in the best interest of our mates or even our children. They tend to show a lack of appreciation and this defeats the whole purpose of our support. So I had to kick back a bit and you know what? They survived, they grumbled and pushed back a bit but they are still alive and doing ok. In return, some of the weight has been taken off my shoulders. The loss for me is that things are not always done as quickly or efficiently as I know it could have been. So my need to cultivate patience becomes something I must work on. <P>The part about your son is sad. Have you talked to the teachers? I notified the day care, the school office and his teacher. All were very supportive and helpful. Sometimes schools have programs that can assist these children. I remember when I first got out of high school, I had a temporary job as a tutor to a group of 'socially handicapped boys'. They ranged in age from 7-12. The problem? They could not handle a full day of school. The reason? Broken homes, abusive parents, drugs, alcohol, etc. What did they need? Attention. Someone to listen to them. Some of those boys were smart and had tremendous abilities but sadly this was being overlooked due to these problems. How sad. I learned a lot from that job. It was funny that there were only boys in that class. I don't know if that is the norm or just a coincidence. But I do understand your concern. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Hi Mc,<P>How are you doing?<P>L.

Thanks for asking, Orchid. I'm ok, just ok.<BR>How are you? I've read your postings on several of the topics and know that you are having your own difficulties. ll of the stories seem to blend together, but one thing that they all have in common is the extreme hurt, yet valiant struggle to surpass the pain. We all seem to help each other get beyond the pain and hopefully joy in our new situations.<P>Today I was doing financial paperwork for the divorce. We have to document pre-marital assets. I found the box of old papers containing much financial informtion, as well as much non-financial reminders of happier times in our marriage from around 1984. It is all very sad that the only thing that now matters is the balance on a bank statement, and not the endless number of words in our love letters.<P>There was a lot of excitement in our relationship then. We argued about serious matters then, but quickly addressed them and put them behind us. We were prolific writers to each other whole we dated and a couple of years into our marriage.<P>However, I did find some correspondence we had a year into our marriage when we had a serious argument. We wrote letters to each other that reflected a lot about ourselves. Some of the sensitive issues then have remained with us to today, and I can see how each of us has repressed hurt feelings about issues that we never agreed on. <P>This morning has been very emotional for me - I cried a lot about our lost love, and somehow wish that I could go back in time with in hindsight and avoided some of the pitfalls we got into. However, that would not be real life. Real life means doing what you believe is the right thing at that moment in time, limited by whatever information and feelings you have at that moment, and moving forward from there on. <BR>With that said, I am now leading my real life, and facing my current situation to the best of my ability and with dignity. What's done is done, and I just need to continue to be the best person that I can be. If my husband doesn't find me lovable, so be it, there are many people in my circle of friends and family who do appreciate me for what I am right now and what I am becoming.<BR>Back to plan B- After finding all of the papers this morning I was tempted to phone my husband and remind him of the sweet and loving moments we once had and have him come over and re-read all of our love letters. I'm glad I didn't and the urge to do that has now passed. It would have just regressed my recovery and put me back on the emotioanal rollercoaster ride of the past year. I have to remind myself that he is no longer the same person that I married and that his infidelity and thoughlessness have continued to hurt me, and that he has not demonstrated any respect for my feelings. I can no longer depend on him to be the soulmate he once was. <P>

Dear MC,<P>Through all the pain and suffering, there has been some benefit. I see your progress and unfortunately your H is not wise enough to also see the benefit. I believe he eventually will and feel bad over the lost time. <P>No one can here can accurately predict the future. We can only do the best we can. For me right now, the best I can is make a home for myself and son. H has joined us and is trying to fit in. It is hard for him. H still does not want to even answer the phone and still carrys the house key separately. I am not sure why. <P>OW is still trying to squeeze in the picture. No real known contact in the last 4 days. That's progress. hmmmph... H's work schedule (2 partime jobs) run him ragged and give him late hours, but he is keeping busy and sometimes helps out with picking up our son from school. I would like to see him do a bit more around the house to help, since I work 40+ hours and commute over 1 hr rt. <P>For us it is settling back to a routine but I am still nervous of the outcome and have H's permission to checkup on him. Which I regularly do. H is letting me know about OW's attempts to contact and lure him but only when I ask. I have asked that he bring up this info himself but as of yet, he has not volunteered. Is this a male thing or am I just to impatient? Hm......<P>I wish you strong confidence in what is ahead. Right now there are no guarantees except what you control. You have <BR>shown strength in your character so keep up the good work. <P>Crying over fond memories is nothing to be ashamed of. When I did that, I let H know what I did. H felt hurt and that was the objective. For a moment, he was human and a family man. Those moments were precious to me. So I understand how you felt. <P>I took my wedding photos (they are still in a bag) and threw them out in the garbage). H didn't care (at the time). After he left, I felt real bad. I pull it out of the garbage (they did not get dirty) and put them away. I could not bear the thought of seeing those happy times. <P>My son asked about those pictures and it was hard for me. <BR>So before I put them away we went over a few of them. My little one had a lot of questions about our wedding. It made me know that I had no right to throw away a good memory. Boy that little guy is smart..... <P>Please take care and thanks for asking. Hang in there my friend. <P>L.

Hi Orchid, A couple of hours I ago I drafted a response to you, but I think that the phone rang and I closed it before sending it. <BR>I wish you well with your h back home. I pray that he is sincere and if so, that you can Plan A again and do all of the right things...if he is sincere. <BR>The hardest part for me whenever he came home was that he really did not become INVOLVED in our home life. He was never very involved to begin with, but after the A and having moved out, he was even less so. He only brought back a handful of clothes, did not leave his car keys or cell phone hanging around, and all of the other things one does when one is comfortably at "home". This lack of commitment on his part made me extremely insecure, and I LB'ed a lot about it. I could not help it, and I think that I had valid reasons.<BR>I've been well after yesterday's gallery of memories. I found a very interesting letter that I wrote to him 8 months into our marriage in 1984, which he returned to me with his comments. After re-reading what I had to say then, and how he responded, I feel that we really should have divorced then, because we had very different views about relationships that we have both lived with all of these years. <BR>I read today on another post a very interesting comment. The affair is mostly a problem because your spouse decides to "divorce" you and "marry" someone else, BEFORE telling you that he wants out, and discussing it together, and making it a joint decision. I think that that is the most hurtful part- that you did not have a choice in the matter. Well, slowly I'm coming to the realization that if I had been offered a choice, that I would have entertained a discussion about it and possibly counseling, but that if we realy were not compatible, it was best to terminate the marriage rather than attempt to continue to mask our basic differences.<P>I wish you well in your recovery. I pray that it is God's will that you be together. Try to INVOLVE him at home- re-start an old hobby, invite friends over that remind him of the joys of home, involve him in your son's daily activities, and create new excitement at home that makes him look forward to the future. Old memories are fine, but we must all be working toward a future.