This is my first time to post, but I have been reading here since shortly after D-day. I guess I want to tell my story and have someone tell me I will be ok one way or the other. I will start with my story. Please forgive me if it is long. <P>We have been married almost six years and dated for two and 1/2 before we married. D-Day was 3/9/2001. I was home for the weekend in the middle of a business trip. I spend two months each spring in New York for work and come home every other weekend. This was one of my weekends home. H picked me up at the airport and acted very strange. He took me home and left for work. Later that morning I received the call that I will never forget. A relative was on the phone (she worked with H) and she had someone with her that wanted to talk to me. OW #3 (I will explain the number later) got on the phone and preceeded to tell me that she and H had an A from 8/00 - 12/00. OW #3 was a co-worker of H. To make matters worse she told me of OW #1 and OW #2. There were 3! I was devasted. The nice weekend I had planned was ruined and I was in shock. OW #3 informed me that A was still going on with OW #1. <P>Let me take time out to explain the timeline of the A's as closely as I understand them because it will be key to helping everyone see where my concerns are. The PA with OW #1 started around 7/99 and ended 3/01 right before D-day. The PA with OW #2 started in the fall of 99 and ended shortly after (yes there is overlap) and the PA with number three was from 8/00 - 12/00 (yes overlap again). This is where is gets interesting. <P>When I confronted H about all three OW he admitted to it and told me that he had feelings for OW #1. My life had been turned upside down. I know nothing of MB or what to do and like an idiot I went to stay with my parents for the weekend until time to return to New York that Sunday and told him he could stay in the house since he did not have anywhere else to go. I immeidately began wondering what I had done wrong to make this happen and beat myself up pretty badly that weekend. When I got to the airport on Sunday, luck have it my plane was delayed six hours. I called H and asked him to come to the airport and talk. I spent the next five hours at the airport and the next two weeks on the phone listing all of the things that I had done wrong and swearing to fix them if he would work on our marriage with me. During this time period he lost his job due to the A's (he was in management). <P>A friend at work gave me the web address to MB and while I was in New York I bought all of Dr. Harley's books and read Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters and Marriage Insurance. I felt on top of the world. I had all of the answers to fix what went wrong. H agreed to not see and of the OW and to talk to Steve Harley. We had our session with Steve, got off of the phone and H told me that he did not want to be married and I should go on with my life. The first of many slaps in the face. <P>For the next few weeks I tried to convince him to spend time with me and he would agree, for a while. I have been staying at my parents house from the beginning and remain there to this day. H went back and forth from lets spend time together to go on with your life, I don't want to give you any hope. I have continued my sessions with Steve Harley even though H would not after that first session. After the first session H stated that he felt like Steve was a salesman trying to sell him something he did not think he wanted. <P>I tried Plan A for as long as he would agree to see me and talk to me, but on 5/11/01 while I was at the house picking up some things, I fould a rather lengthy letter from OW #1 (from now on I will just call her OW since the other two are out of the picture). OW talked about the walks they had been on, the limited time they could spend together, etc. I almost threw up. I was devastated again. I called him and asked him if they were still seeing each other. Over the course of a three hour conversation he said he loved her and wanted to be with her. I called Steve in a panic and was told it was time for me to move to Plan B. I was being hurt too much and it was no longer safe for me to be in Plan A. <P>OW is getting a D and moving into an apartment. The apartment just happens to be in the same complex H and his friend are moving into next week. H can not afford an apartment on his own and is not prepared to move in with OW so he is moving in with a friend. He says that if he decides he wants to be married and still has feelings for my he will return to me, but for now he wants to be with OW.<P>I could not be more hurt or confused. I gave him the Plan B letter on Saturday and I am trying to get through one day at a time. My fear is that Plan A did not last long enough for him to see the changes, although he says he has seen several and that if things do not work between he and OW, he will come back to me (how generous). The main thing that I am working on right now is losing weight. I was heavy when we met and lost weight for the wedding. Soon after I gained it all back and some. I started losing weight for me the first of February (a month before D-Day) and have now lost 57 pounds. I am not where I need to be yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The weight is coming off quicker now since I can not eat or sleep, but I know it is not healthy. <P>I know the only thing I can do now is work on me and hope that their relationship goes down the tubes, but do I want to be second best if things do not work out with them? Someone please tell me that things won't work with them. I feel like I need that hope to get up in the morning. Can someone please help take the pain away?

I wish there were real cyber hugs to send. {{{{{{SinkingFast}}}}} I feel your pain, and I understand the depth and weight of it, I'm sure alot of people here do, although you'll find this forum is not nearly as trafficed as the General Questions section is. <P>Odds are that things won't work for them, but I think you know that really. Do you want to wait to be second choice? Well, that's not for anyone to answer but you, and no one would blame you if you didn't. Remember though that if he does snap into reality and come back you might be surprised to learn that alot of what he said was really just the fog talking and he is really very confused and hurting himself right now, of course that's tough to say for sure, but I think the odds are good there too. <P>Also remember this is NOT YOUR fault. I don't care what you did, he made the decision to be unfaithful with those three women and work on his own self serving needs and not your marriage, not you, but of course they usually will try to let you shoulder the blame if you are willing. <P>I wish I could help take the pain away, but I will share with you that Prozac has done wonders in that department for me, might want to take a trip to the doctors. Also, prayer, scripture reading, church attendance help tremendously. If you haven't already, there is no time like the present to learn how to let Jesus, (or whomever you believe in), help carry you through the tough times. I believe He had a plan, and He was intsrumental in saving my marriage, a miracle to me no doubt. Also, keep busy! Do anything, everything you can to help you feel better right now and be ok with you. You cannot change him, only you, and you cannot make him happy, only you. <P>As for hope, YOU are still his wife and until the day that changes there is always hope. Vent and read all the posts here, and respondto others too. I find that talking to others and helping others in the same spot is great therapy in itself. This forum is worth a million dollars at least in combined therapy/experience.<BR>

Dear ScaredinNY, <P>Thank you so much for your reply. I am having a very difficult time with this whole situation. My parents, whom I am staying with right now, have informed me that they think I have lost my mind for even thinking of taking him back ever. My family and H's family are encouraging me to file for a D. I am not getting much support for hanging in there and I think this site may be my only way through the next few (or not so few) months. <P>I truely hope that the A will end with OW before I go crazy, but I still have a fear that they will live happily ever after. At this point I am not sure how she can trust him either since he actaully cheated twice while seeing her. She thinks that we are getting a D and he has not told her that he told me the he does not need one and has no plans to marry her. He says at this point it is a likely that he will come back to me as it is that he will marry her. At least he feels that our marriage is an attractive alternative. I must have done something right in the short time I was in Plan A, now I hope that the A can die an untimely death and I can get a chance to show him that we can build a stronger, happier life together.

If you want to work out your marriage, I say you are courageous, it takes alot of courage to not run away from your vows during the "worse" part of for better or worse, and this is about as "worse" as it can be. <P>Your family and friends are talking out of concern for you and wanting to protect you. If I was your Mom I'd want you to lose the jerk too, just because I would want to see you happy and you are obviously in so much pain. It's a natural gut instinct to want to shelter our children from pain. You might want to share this site and your feelings with them to help them understand why you would want to hold onto hope. <P>Also you might want to repost in General Questions with a link to here if you don't want to retype (just click on the address bar and cntrl + C to copy, then paste the link in your post). There are alot more people in there and I know you will get tons of other advice from people more experienced than I. Hang in there. <BR>

First off, I am sorry for your pain!! <P>I saw your post on the GQs board, and answered there too! <P>You know what? Nobody says you can't go back to Plan A and really WORK IT!!<P>You'll hear from others, I am sure... but this would seem to be the first thing you should do -- go back to Plan A.<P>How do you feel about that possibility? <BR>

Hi - I too am sorry to hear someone in such pain. I wish I could tell you it will get better but I won't. It seems there is a time frame and you and your spouse may be on different ones. I have been in Plan B for a little less than a year. It was truly the best thing for me to do. And just this month my husband and I started counseling together. I don't know where it is going. I'm not sure what we each want at this point. But that shows you how far I've come because I sounded like you did exactly one year ago. My time frame was not my husbands. I wanted to fix things and read every book and thought I could convince him of his mistake. But really I really couldn't do anything about it. <P> And when people tell you to work on yourself - they are right. But I'll bet you don't want to or know how to at this point because you just want to fix what went wrong. The best advice I can give is wait it out. Plan B really does help clear your mind and sometimes even the spouses. Good luck and keep posting.<BR> Kris

The best thing to do is to follow Steve Harley's advice.

QuakerMom:<BR>(I have been posting in dovorcing/divorced category).<BR>That last part could be for me. I know I should work on ME, but dont know where to begin, or I start & dont keep it up. I am heartbroken & keep thinking if I give H time, he will realize that divorce is not the answer or what he wants. I have been reading books but I dont remember it all. I am just trying to avoid conflict right now. He is still under our roof but in another room. We're barely speaking. No way could be work on questionairres. He wont go to a counselor. So I am riding this darn rollercoaster. Any hints for working on ourselves?<P>Sinking Fast:<BR>Sorry for the pain you are going thru. Do you have that Surviving An Affair book by Dr Harley? I think it would help you alot in the wavering by H & Plan A/B stuff. Dont give up on losing weight. Let that be your mission! I gained 80lbs in the 15 yrs H & I have been together( 5 + 9-married). This was what he gave to the 1 person he would talk to as a reason for our problems!! That I let a gym membership expire & broke promises!! I still think its superficial! In the weight thing, dont starve yourself & try to eat healthy. I havent eaten hardly at all in 3 weeks lately from all these emotions. Its not good! This weight will come back. the secret is to eat smaller meals more often & watch the fat intake. Also exercise somehow - even walking would do. I think some weight training on machines does make a big difference after you keep it up about 3 months. The scales might not be different, but your clothes will be looser! Good Luck with this, and your Plan B.