Below is my Plan B letter which has already been reviewed by Steve. He gives all of you a high compliment by suggesting that YOU now review it to cover his oversights. He is well aware of the wisdom on this forum.<P>I have plagiarized from several others' letters, so don't be surprised if you see something familiar. <P>Thanks in advance.<P>WAT<BR>**************************<BR>Dear <W>, <P>As I've said before, I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. This is despite knowing about your relationship with <OM>. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting your needs as a husband and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with <OM> possible. <P>I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to look back over the period and see the changes for yourself. As you know, <son> and I are closer than ever and I acknowledge that I did not always show him the respect he deserved. He and I now have the relationship we should have. He has told me he loves me more than ever before.<P>I have looked at myself from your perspective and have recognized that my emotional outbursts of the past were judgmental, insensitive, and counterproductive. No, I'm not perfect, but I believe I have made a significant improvement since we became separated. I have a new appreciation for your need to be able to freely express yourself without hesitation. You can feel safe voicing your anger and concerns. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. In addition, I have worked with a counselor to improve my understanding of other's feelings and with a separate counselor to deal with my grief over the loss of <deceased son> and our separation. I feel much better about myself as a person and as an individual, I am strong and well along in my recovery. I am excited about my future.<P>During this experience my efforts have been on changing me, not on blaming anyone else expecting them to change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in. In short, I will avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and we can create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. It won't happen overnight and it'll take a lot of work, but we owe it to <son> to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try may seem to be the easy way out, but it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.<P>But we cannot begin recovery as a family until you end your relationship with <OM> once and for all - and maintain no contact.<P>Until then, I will minimize all contact with you. Please only initiate communication with me that is absolutely necessary and then only via e-mail or voice mail. <Son> or <au pair> will answer the phone if you call. Of course, in case of an emergency, I will suspend this request. I realize <son's> needs may require direct contact from time to time, but I will minimize this and I ask you to do the same. I ask you not to enter our house unless I am not there. On occasions when you come to pick up <son>, please call ahead and remain outside when you arrive unless I am not home. I will also not be able to help you financially. You will receive more frequent financial summaries from me and I request you not delay in providing repayment. Any time I owe you money, I will pay promptly.<P>I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You may not know about the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OM> and I simply cannot associate with you any longer until you end this permanently. I can't fight for our marriage alone anymore. I am weary. I still love you, but I cannot see or talk to you under these conditions any longer. Please do not perceive this as an ultimatum or a threat. Simply put, I am now separating from you in order to protect myself from further pain and to protect my love for you.<P>But I'd much rather rebuild our relationship. <Son> and I are the two men who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. We also have the bond created by hardship that no one else can replace. Similarly, you can make the two of us very, very happy. We want you and need you. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to recommit to our marriage. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you're not sure, I will understand and provide empathy.<P>As soon as you are willing to completely and permanently sever your relationship with <OM>, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family. Most importantly, I will help you with your struggle to resolve what has occurred in a non-judgmental, caring way. This will enable us to rebuild our marriage, to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate or to have "friends" other than each other again. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. <P>I have spent my whole life loving you. The first 26 years I spent looking for you and the next 20+ I spent with you. This last year I have searched again, and concluded I was right the first time. I loved you when God first brought us together and I love you right up to this day. I just cannot be around you or pretend to be friends as long as you are involved with <OM> and you continue to deny what has occurred.<P>I am sending a copy of this letter to <OM> so that it is clear to him that I want to restore our marriage.<P>I love you,

well Wat in another thread I asked you if you were plan A ing or B? and I see now that you are very capable of expressing yourself well and I admire your effort <BR>This is tough for you and I can read that in between the lines,,, you have summarized your feelings well and I pray that she understands that you have reached your limits with this situation...<BR>much luck to you<BR>good letter !<BR>C1

<B>Dave</B>,<P>I think it is very well crafted, and obviously heartfelt.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B><BR>Until then, I will minimize all contact with you. Please only initiate communication with me that is absolutely necessary and then only via e-mail or voice mail.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Given the tendancy of your wife to say and think wierd things, I wonder if there is a chance she will not read the whole thing carefully. You might want to tack on a comma in place of the period at the end of the first sentence above, and add "for the reasons I explain below." Otherwise the transition is a bit abrupt.<P>Other than that minor change, I have no suggestions for improvement. Maybe others with more experience re Plan B letters will have more thoughts.<P>Wishing you the best,<P>Steve

WAT,<P>There is one portion that struck me as a bit off. You said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> During this experience my efforts have been on changing me, not on blaming anyone else expecting them to<BR>change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me.<BR><B>Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The part I put in bold seems a bit off compared to the rest of the letter. You don't want to sound like you are telling her she needs to make radical changes or changes at all. She will realize this if she decides to work on the marriage. Comes across as a disrespectful judgment.<P>But of course it is absolutely right. Being right just drives them crazy WAT. <P>That is my main suggestion. The only other one is that when you discuss how and when to communicate it is a bit fractured. Make sure that the proceedures are clear or that you two will get together to discuss proceedures.<P>I would suggest that she not be allowed in your house at anytime. She left it is your house and you don't really want her in there roaming around. This may not be possible but if so consider it.<P>Finally, I'm not sure that the last part makes it as clear as it needs to be that you are doing this because of the pain to you from seeing and communicating with her. It brings back many hurts and memories of better days. Hence you need to go to this approach.<P>Just some suggestions. The letter is good, no show stoppers and I think she will get the message. Oh By the way, have you told son what you are doing??? I am not sure what the correct procedure is, but it might be good to let him know what has/is happening. You love W alot, but you need to get away from the pain for awhile, so that you will continue to love her. Something like that. See what Steve says.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dave:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have looked at myself from your perspective <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>into: I have <B>tried</B> to look at myself from your perspecive<P>(less disrespectful)<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm with JL on this. You've got to deep-six it.<P>I also agree with JL (no surprise) on not allowing her into the house at all. And punch up the "too painful to remain in contact" issue at the end of the letter, so she gets the point that this isn't about punishment.<P>It's a terrific letter!

<B>Dave,</B><P>It was a good letter, the suggestions were good also. Listen to them. <P>Your message made me cry but I cry at anything.<P>When are you giving the letter?<P>YOu will be in my thoughts.

Hi, Nothing new to add, I just agree with JL. Leave out the part about her making changes and I agree about keeping her out of the house too. Remember this is also to let her stand on her own and know what it will be like to be divorced.<BR>Lora

Wow, good suggestions.<P>I had considered asking her to stay out of the house, but I thought that was a bit too much. I will rethink this based on your views. Since our son spends the majority of his time here, I expect she will object violently since she would want to be able to have access to everything associated with him.<P>I will tell my son the truth in 12 yo terms.<P>The timing is secret.<P>Thanks,<BR>WAT

WAT,<P>The unfortunate consequence of leaving a marriage is that both parents don't have unlimited access to the children. I think that you two can work something out on this point, while maintaining the privacy of YOUR home.<P>This is a case for POJA. The purpose of all of this is not (as K says) to punish her or deprive her of her son anymore than a separation or divorce would, it is to protect your feelings.<P>You might as well start acting as if YOUR home is no longer her. It is one of the costs of what she is doing.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

WAT, it is a very good letter. The suggestions are also right on the money, particularly regarding "your" house. It has been so difficult for me to continue the plan b atmoshere in this house, which is why I am moving into my "own" place... (boundaries). <P>Any type of limitation regarding the kids has been the biggest LB for my H.... and it does not sit well with my kids either, and it does not sit well with me.<P>When the WS wants to be so involved with the kids, even when it is on their own terms with little empathy towards them in the way we think is in their (kids) best interests, it is best to err on the side of the kids.<P>I still think you can be in plan B mode by removing yourself emotionally from your wife.<P>As always, I wish you the best.

I say leave out the part about her perceiving the letter as an ultimatum or a threat. Don't even put those words in reaching distance for her to use. She could twist them big time and simply say that that is exactly wht the letter is about. Let her think up those words on her own if that is what she is going to do with no help from you.<P>I would also say this move is about saving the "remaining" love you have for her so that she gets the hint/idea that if she doesn't decide to return you won't be hanging around waiting for her indefinitely.Praying for you,W and son! <BR>

Hey Dave,<P>I think your letter is very well written. <BR>I told my husband, to his face, that I was the only one that REALLY understood him. I believe it and I understand what you meant when you said that you were the best person to help her make changes. I also understand the objections to it since your wife likes to totally blow things out of proportion.<BR>So far, I am the only one to mention this but why does the OM need a copy? Is that standard for Plan B letter or what? I am wondering because I couldn't picture sending anything or saying anything to the OW.<P>cleo

Thanks all for the additional suggestions.<P>Yes, Cleo, it is recommended to send a copy to the OP. I find it somewhat backwards to do that but not to send a copy to close family, but I will follow the wisdom. The benefit I do see in sending a copy to OP is that I get to make my intentions clear. Who knows what lies my wife has told to OM about my attitude? I'll bet that it's common for WSs to tell the OP that BSs are glad to be rid of the WSs or any other lie that reassures the OP that everything is still "perfect."<P>Regarding kids, I feel myself becoming stressed about the effect on my son. If I put him completely first, there would be no Plan B, continuing acting on my part to appear friendly, and cooperation with the alien to have an amicable divorce. But, I cannot live a lie along with my wife. So it seems that Plan B with kids forces a compromise as long as it takes a resolution to come about.<P>Dave (WAT)

WAT -<P>I know how difficult it must have been to write this letter, and I agree that it is very good. I go along with JL and some of the others who say that she should respect your privacy. She left your house, so I don't think that entitles her to free reign over your place. I don't know how you can say it, but I agree with the others that she shouldn't be entering your house even if you aren't there. I know there will be times when she wants to see son, school work, whatever, but I think she needs to respect your privacy.<P>There was another part in your letter, that I would just (maybe) re-state. You said:<P>"It won't happen overnight and it'll take a lot of work, but we owe it to <son> to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try may seem to be the easy way out, but it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones." <P>Where your wife is now, she doesn't want to work it out, she "doesn't love you", remember? . I think, if it were me, I would say it something like this "I know it won't happen overnight, and I know it will take a lot of work, but I feel as if we owe it to <son> and to ourselves to try. (And here's the mushy girl part. . .and I've never written a Plan B letter so maybe this isn't appropriate, but. . .) <wife's name>, I love you, and I love our family. And, to me, we're worth the effort - all three of us. <P>You also said "But we cannot begin recovery as a family until you end your relationship with <OM> once and for all -and maintain no contact."<P>Didn't your wife say that she wanted to get as far away from the OM and his family as possible? Maybe you could just re-state it - so she can't come back with "The OM and I were just friends, there was nothing between us, I don't even WANT to see him or his family again! It IS over." Maybe you could think about saying something like this:<P>"But, I also know that we, as a family, cannot begin to recover until you end all contact with the OM."<BR> <BR>You said "I ask you not to enter our house unless I am not there. On occasions when you come to pick up <son>, please call ahead and remain outside when you arrive unless I am not home. I will also not be able to help you financially. You will receive more frequent financial summaries from me and I request you not delay in providing repayment. Any time I owe you money, I will pay promptly." I think that says it all, but consider not allowing her cart blache approval to enter your house when you are not there. You are entitled to your privacy - just as she is - so maybe you can ask her to respect that or something.<P>You said "Please do not perceive this as an ultimatum or a threat." Like others have said, I would just leave this out and end with "Simply put, I am now separating from you in order to protect myself from further pain and to protect my love for you."<P>You said "Most importantly, I will help you with your struggle to resolve what has occurred (maybe add "between us")in a non-judgmental, caring way." <P>"We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate or to have "friends" other than each other again. "<P>This part seemed kind of "out of sorts" to me. I think I would be inclined to leave it out, but that's your choice and like I said I'm no pro at this, but reading it, you're assuming that she will want to come back once Plan B is in effect. And while I hope and pray that will come true, I think you might be "assumming" too much? That's not really want I mean, but you're already saying it like - well, when you come back we'll have this new lifestyle in which everything we do makes each other happy. And we won't need anybody else - not even friends - to make us happy. She may see that as she can't have any friends anymore. (I know alien-speak, but that's how it would have sounded to me). And, I don't know, it your wife's problem is that she thinks it will be too hard to try, well, this might not be the best way to encourage her to try. <P>I really, really liked the part about you being best friends, and I'd keep that in there.<P>And I loved this part, made me cry even "I have spent my whole life loving you. The first 26 years I spent looking for you and the next 20+ I spent with you. This last year I have searched again, and concluded I was right the first time. I loved you when God first brought us together and I love you right up to this day." <P>I am sending a copy of this letter to <OM> so that it is clear to him that I (maybe add "still" here) want to restore our marriage.<P>Maybe you can even say something like, I will always be here if you decide that you want to recommit to our marriage, but I cannot bear to be around you at this time.<P>"I love you," That's always a keeper <P>WAT - I am by no means an expert critic for writing Plan B letters, so you can take or leave my comments. One time, I posted a second "no contact" letter to the OM and really didn't like the comments that I got, because, really, no one really knew exactly how I felt nor did they understand what I needed to do - not only to end the A, but to restore my self-respect. So, you need to write and send what's comfortable for you, what comes from your heart. In no uncertain terms, I would let you wife know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love her, but you do not love the situation, but that it's your only option at this time. <P>You need to stand up for what you believe in, and that you are taking this stand to protect yourself, your love for her, and for what your family represents to you.<P>I think your letter is really good, but as a former WS, I think it's important that you let her know - by telling her specifically, but also in the essence of your letter - that you still love her and still have hope, but that this is what you have to do at this point in your life. I think your letter does that, but maybe you should mention something about "still having hope" or something.<P>Anyway, I know how I got fired up and almost left MB for good when I got "feedback" that I didn't really agree with. So, please know that I don't think you need anyone's advice, much less mine., but just say what comes from your heart. When are you going to give this to her? My thoughts and prayers WILL be with you, and I hope that maybe this is the thing that will help change her heart.

SKM - thanks for your heartfelt suggestions. I value ALL the suggestions I have gotten and none rub me the wrong way. Remember, I don't take the affair personally, so I certainly won't take Plan B letter comments personally.<P>Yes, she said something to the effect that she doesn't want to have anything to do with the "Smith's," which includes the whole family, but I didn't believe she meant she wanted to get away from OM. I don't know the actual status, but I doubt seriously that it's over.<P>I plan to revise the letter as suggested. The timing is secret.<P>Thanks again,<BR>Dave (WAT)<P>