My H's 6 year affair produced a chhild who is now 15 months old. OW became pregnant to force him to divorce me and marry her when all else had failed. They continued contact secretly for 8 months after I found out and he said affair was over. When visiting child on the sly last summer, affair briefly resumed until I found out again. H has had no contact since then, and OW refuses to allow visitation even though we pay support (not established by court). We are suing to gain visitation which H says he desperately wants since it is his child. Thought at first that this was just to legitimately gain access to OW again...maybe is, but he says no. <P>How can we rebuild using plans A and B and Dr. Harley's methods when we will have weekly contact with OW when we pick up child? OW is obssessed with my H and I fear will never let go. She had used OC from the start as her "excuse" to keep contacting. Has not contacted since summer because she is angry that he has not divorced me as he promised her he would. H refuses to discuss entire issue. I don't know if he is still in withdrawal. Says he's willing to read, etc., but does so grudgingly when I hand him articles, etc.<P>We are nearly 25 years married and 14 months into rebuilding. Things are better, but many issues are unresolved. What canI do?

Welcome <B>anniem</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I see this is only your second post... but you've been doing some research...on the principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>You've most likely looked up the wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>You are in recovery, at least that is what you believe. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> has nothing to do with your situaion... but... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... from my nuderstanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> now... it needs to be an on going experience with your H, especially through recovery.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A> (very important in <B>your</B> situation!<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B> Do you have it?<BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>There are several people here with OC... seek <B>them</B> out in your posts...Identify (like in this one) the OC issue!<P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ! (You've probably done the lurking/reading... now move on to the posting/replying <P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Sometimes counseling is needed to really "educate" your H. You educating your H by yourself... can be counter productive at early stages of withdrawal. I really think, after you understand Plan A a bit better a good starting off point would be 2 sessions with Steve Harley. I just finished my second session yesterday and it was very helpful. Do get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> first and get a better understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> from the book and the MB sites first.<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 29, 1999).]