married 28 years, 4 kids(27,25,23,22), found out h having online ea 10 weeks ago. when i confronted him he said they were just friends, 2 weeks later in knew it wasn't just friendship and confronted him again. he said he needed to prove to me that he loved me and that we were ok as a couple. found out that she had been calling our house while i was at work, and that he gave her is e-mail at work(military). next day he told me he contacted her and said no further communication. things were still a little strained but we were making headway. the following monday she came to find him (from a neighboring state). called to leave a message that he wouldn't be home and not to worry. hahaha son intercepted message and when i got home i called the hotel to let him know i understood if he needed some time alone, he wasn't registered so i drove over and found them together (she was hiding in the bathroom). h said he wanted her and her little boy not us. now he wants a divorce<BR>and really won't talk about anything. i've told him i still love him and that we could work things out but all he says is that he doesn't want to. i know he still loves me and think that guilt and embrassment are eating at him. he goes down to see her almost every weekend. but i beleive he is staying in town this weekend. i can't figure out how to do this plan a business. everytime i see him or talk to him he says or does sosmething that normally i would get mad and yell about but i haven't done that and i think that is throwing him for a loop. i don't know whether to write a letter explaining how i realize my part in this, that i want him to come home, and give up the ow. somebody please help me out.<BR>teri<P>------------------<BR>teri

Welcome <B>folk698</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> isn't easy!<P>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>The emphasis is on <B>you</B>...<BR>...your strength<BR>...your steadfastness<BR>......and here is the surprising thing<BR>...your humbleness and humility!<P>Yes... in your humbleness and humility... you'll find the focus on is on you...<P>You becoming the better W...<BR>You becoming the better mother...<BR>You becoming the better woman...<BR>You becoming the better daughter... in your relationship in faith!<P>But in this humbleness and humility...<BR>...you have to work...<BR>...it may seem like a paradox... but yes... you do the work.<P>As it is said in Plan A... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...and at the same time, <B>if</B> your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Can or should write a letter...<BR><B>YES</B>...<P>But don't beg... being humble doesn't mean beg!<BR>Don't plead... having humility doesn't mean plead!<P>Show your strength in emptying yourself of what you contributed to the problems of your marraige...<BR>... and enhance that strength... with a commitment to meet those needs... <B>whenever possible</B>!<P>Recognize your limits...<BR>...you won't be able to meet his needs all the time...<BR>...you're not a miracle worker...<P>...but do all you can.<P>My prayers are with you.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

nsr,<BR> thank you for your input. i have read surviving the affair and had an idea of what to say just didn't know if i should do it in a letter. i'm going out of town for two weeks (nephew's baptism) and thought i would mail it to him the day i leave so he can think about it while i'm gone and i won't be tempted to call and get a response from him.<BR>thanks,<BR>teri

NSR WROTE:<BR>"As it is said in Plan A... Can or should write a letter...<BR>YES<BR>But don't beg... being humble doesn't mean beg!<BR>Don't plead... having humility doesn't mean plead!<P>Show your strength in emptying yourself of what you contributed to the problems of your marraige...<BR>... and enhance that strength... with a commitment to meet those needs... whenever possible<BR>Recognize your limits...<BR>...you won't be able to meet his needs all the time...<BR>...you're not a miracle worker...<BR>...but do all you can."<P>NSR,<BR> Please help me understand this...Teri's story is somewhat similar to mine. H left, packed up and left, moved in w/OW. I have NO contact, he won't answer cell calls...he filed, says he wants Div<P>One and only phone call, I did say a lot of these things, that you say to put in a letter. He did comment "I have a lot of things to think through..." so I know he didn't know I realized my shortcomings and now do.<P>But no other way to "Plan A", so YOU are saying in order to "Plan A" someone we cannot see - writing a letter would be OK? One letter, and then nothing? Is that it? I am so confused...I have been waiting for an opportunity to put "Plan A" in practice in person, like when he calls, or comes to visit, but he moved to another city, like running AWAY would take his guilt away.<P>I did send him a note (sweet, but not too gushy, actually, hardly personal at all, except for "Love, " at the bottom) when I sent him an application for a job here locally he wanted to apply for.<P>I have not heard from him AT ALL. He may have left the state entirely to go stay with his family in another state, but that would be a temporary (maybe months?) thing. I have NO contact, and otherwise no way to know for sure where he is. If I wrote him a personal letter, OW may get it (for sure, since that is where his mail is going), and he may not get it at all after that, or it may be months before he comes back, OR he may be back!! <P>See?? Not knowing where he is, it might be difficult for me to get anything to him directly. What should I be doing now? I'm confused. Please help. You seem to have a very good handle on all this stuff.<P>P.S. sorry this post is so long.<BR>Lupo<BR>

lupolady,<P>If you're still in a good relationship with your H's family...<BR>...you may want to try and get a letter (maybe monthly for a while)... to your H through them.<P>It is hard...<P>My W cut off all contact with her family...<BR>...hasn't even contacted her own mother (who sides with me)... for 17 months now!<P>The reason I still have contact is the children...<BR>...but I'm on the tail end of Plan B myself (since I am post divorce).<P><B>That</B> is something to think about...<BR>...both Plan A and Plan B take you down the road to a more accepting form of divorce...<P>NOT that you want one...<BR>...but when/if it is forced on you...<BR>...it is easier to survive.<P>All my prayers... <P>Jim

NSR:<BR> Thanks for the guidelines. I didn't realize that you were post-div. My prayers go out to you and your Ex. for reconciliation, if that is what you are after...<P> OK, today, talked w/brother-in-law (married to H's sister), he was very cooperative, friendly, open, offered to try to call H. to tell him to call me! I doubt he will, but brother-in-law will try! A good guy.<P>Second, since talking to brother-in-law, I now know H is back in our state. That helps. I know where he is, and I sent him a Father's Day card, with a note attached. I basically admitted all of my shortcomings of not meeting EN, which contributed to H leaving. I'm hoping it strikes a note somewhere deep inside (first I'm hoping he reads it!!)<P> I know others here have had same treatment from WS, but it is all new to me now, and I'm going through the very fresh pain of it all. I know you all know. <P>Again, thank you for your understanding and explanations. They sure help guide one through it all.<P>Lupo

hi ya'll,<BR> thanks for the advice. i wrote H a letter and sent it to him the day i left(5/29) to visit my family for two weeks. i called H the morning i left to say goodbye and he told me to have a good time and be careful. i was shocked that he even said anything. i got home last night and decided to call him this morning to let him know i was home but he called me last night. wanted to know how the trip was then talked about coming over to pick up bills and then moved to talking about the letter. he is still saying he is not coming home and that i'm fooling myself. he says he loves me for being the mother of his children and being with him for so long but he doesn't have passionate love for me any more. he says he was unhappy, and i re-addressed some of the points in the letter where i realized that i didn't meet his EN. he agreed that was how he felt but still won't come home. when i asked why he said because of walking on egg shells, doubting and not trusting. he wasn't going to put me through that and he didn't want to go through it either. he has strong feelings for OW. but i know he loves me too and is scared to try. he called before he came over this evening and actually sounded happy on the phone and when he got here was pleasant. checked out the yard and even checked the oil on my car (something was leaking). i'm still praying that he will put aside his pride and come home soon.<P>------------------<BR>teri