I have always been a caretaking type person, always helping others with their problems and working to find the answers. <P>I am not able to find the answers to my own problems, though. And that is why I have come to you all.<P>I am not sure where I stand, my H has had a friendship with a former girlfriend from his youth for the past 20 years with what I believe to be an EA for the past 2 1/2 years. In all this time he has only seen her a hand full of times. We had some problems while he was on an extensive assignment away from home a year total. Talked briefly about D and decided not to, that we would move to the new place and work on getting things back together, and so I thought things were good. He still had contact with this Friend and that was ok as he said it was nothing romantic just a real good friend that was female and I believed him. He now says that he has been struggling with our marriage since moving, but never shared any of this with me. He had the opportunity to see this friend in January of this year and about three days after his return I had to ask what was up as he was very cold and distance, he stated that he wanted a D, so that he could be happy with the rest of his life and to be with her. Blew me away to say the least. I found this site and started reading and posting, and have been working on plan A by myself, he is very obstinate on how he feels about leaving to be happy, very selfish about this as we have 3 kids. Said that I didn't want to D at this time and thought that we should stay togehter til school was out, so he stayed, no intmacy, kiss and I love you as we came and went. Didn't talk anymore about leaving or D ing. I continued to show my love and support to this man. I do love him so much, still. No LB's even got a few deposits. Did try two counselors, first neither of us liked told me to get over it and come back so I could start getting on with my life. Second one we liked, H still obsitnate about feelings of wanting out of marriage to be with OW, she said that he might need a few sessions his own, but that if nothing else we had 3 very good reasons to work on things and that she was very good at what she did and was more then happy to work with us, haven't seen her since. I have been seeing my own counselor for about 2 months now. She has invited my H to a session or two. Is thinking about it.<P>H was promoted back in March and was overjoyed to go through this experience with him as he has worked and waited a very long time for this, although he needed to point out that his future plans did not include me but the OW, this was after I had brought him a sandwich and we were setting in the park.<P>In the 4 months since asking for D we have also had our 20th anniversary. No acknowledgement of the day from H. I had placed a non anniversary card in his car, he asked if I would like to go out to dinner after daughters soccer game, went to dinner no mention of A from him , the only ones to wish me a Happy Anniversary were my parents and my 10 year old, that hurt. I did find an e mail that he had sent to my private account on the day of anniversary 2 days later, I emailed back immediately with an apologise. His e mail said that he didn't know how to say anything that morining, but wanted me to know that his mind had not changed. People around us don't know that we are going through all of this, on the outside nothing has changed. I asked for no contact with OW did not LB was very calm and clear as to what I wanted and needed. No response to this e mail what so ever, again hurt, but I continued to love and support him.<P>This past week H was out of town again and he e mailed to say that things have not changed and that I should be reading more into any of this, acknowledged that I am loving and supporting of him and he appreciates that. Says that it is easier to do this through e mail as he doesn't have to see the pain in my eyes. I tried explaining that I believe that he has an addiction to OW. And that statics show that we have a better chance of putting our marriage back together then they have of making it, he doesn't see it that way and says that he has had a long history with her and has not cheated on me, and I explained that just because there was no sex, does not mean that he has not cheated. I explained about an EA and how they are so much harder to get over then a PA. H mentioned quite a few times that he will do what ever needs to be done to be with OW. I had orginnally asked for 6 months with no contact and time to work on us with a counselor, again very obstinate about not changing mind, he has a change of assignment coming up this summer and said that he felt that that would be a good time for us to seperate, I will take kids and move back home and he will be about 700 miles away. The kids do not know that things are this bad, the youngest did ask if we weren't getting along, I was truthful and said that we weren't and that we were working and everything is going to be ok. She then seen me looking for airline tickets on line for myself to go home and assumed that she would go with me and asked how long we would be staying and I said I was not sure, she broke down and asked how she was going to see her daddy, broke my heart. She has gone back to assumption that we will all be moving together as a family. I can't say anything different as this is what I hope for too. <P> I have prayed and asked for God's will to be done through all of this and have tried real hard to leave it in his hands to manage. H says that he still loves and cares for me, just thinks that I deserve more love then he can give me.<P>So when H asks about D I say that I just can't walk a way yet and accept that he wont work on our marriage, I want that last ditch effort and it is as if he is afraid it might work. We did talk in detail yesterday and I tried explaining why it is that I feel this way, he politley listened. While he was gone I had forwarded some sites for to him to look at and one of them was MB another was Divorce as friends and the Today show one last week on how and what to tell kids about D. He said that he had looked at them. I was spurised! I re told about addiction, withdrawl, EA's and he listened, is thinking of going with to counseling session.<P>He had been home since Thursday and things were very cold had asked if I wanted him to move out and I said that he needed to do what he thought was right for him and he thought that the sofa would be ok. I had said that he needs to tell kids what is going on and he hasn't yet, not sure why. After talking and before my going to work and I asked for a hug and he seemed relieved to do that and I asked if he felt better and said that he did.<P>Things continue as they have been and that gets me, I try to be patient as I see the fog overtaking him, I stay by his side as I see this as a MLC thing, I see him trying to have his cake and eating it too. As Dr Harvey says affairs don't always end the way they are wanted to. I am patient and hold my tongue as I don't want to give him any ammunition, nor do I want those thoughts or words hanging over our heads if the Lord sees it in His will to bring us back together. H asked why we needed to go to a counselor if it was going to be the Lords will anyways, said that counselor was a tool to use in the Lords will.<P>Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I have gone on for awhile, but I kind of need to know if there is hope seen by others in all this or is it me with my blinders on.<P>Another question how do you get a question to the Harvey's for their response?<P>Please Share whatever I need to hear it all. Thanks beforehand for the reponses that I know that I will recieve. daybreak

Oh yeah! if that wasn't already long enough!!<P>He still has his wedding ring on and I asked why, said that we were still married. I said yeah but you don't want to be, he stated again that we are still married.<P>Since this is the 3rd ring he has had in 20 years and lost it once for about 6 months and was found by a neighbor kid in the yard, he hasn't taken it off and that was 10 years ago. I've taken mine off in the past when I've been bad or not feeling that we were being truly commited.<P>He left to play ball and I went to church and got home before he did and noticed that the heart necklace that I gave him a while back (has had 3 of these too, the chain breaks and he loses the heart)was in my jewelery box. He still had the chain on though. I asked why that was, he says that seemed like I didn't want him to have the ring on and thought that I probably didn't want him to have the heart on either. I said that "I gave that to you because I love you and wanted you to look at that and remember my love when we are apart." He placed the heart back on the chain. (The chain had broken back in Feb and he never seemed around to getting it fixed, so I got it fixed for him and said that if he wasn't comfortable about wearing it right now that was understandable, but he put it on right a way,) I was so pleased, as I was Sunday. Still has the ring on.<P>He still hasn't told any family or friends about wanting a D. Says that it's non of their business.<P>Just some more insight.<P>So hard being here alone at work waiting for responses and realizing there is no one else up at this time but me.<P>

{{{daybreak}}},<P>How long you stick to Plan A is a tough question...<BR>As long as you see some progress... it is hard to turn away from it.<P>The Harley's don't answer your questions directly, unless you get them on their radio program, or in counseling. If you think you need to move to Plan B...<BR>...that may be a <B>very</B> good time to contact them...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$120US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Do also read my posts... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P>Jim