I have posted my questions and the background to the questions in the following thread on the In Recovery forum.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003210.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003210.html</A> <P>Since it is something of a plan A - plan B question, I thought I would ask for the thoughts of plan Aers and plan Bers.<P>My situation is not the traditional plan A - plan B scenario. The a ended over eight months ago. There has been some limited contact for business reasons, with an agreement that was painstakingly negotiated but not always followed by my H.<P>I have been in plan A for nine months, since d-day 1. My H says the right things but his follow through conduct has been poor. (Further details are in my response to the following thread: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003223.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003223.html</A> )<P>Any thoughts about whether plan B is in order?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by OneDay (edited May 30, 2001).]

There are times when the only solution is bring in an objective third party... (a counselor preferrably an MB counselor)<P>...someone who can help with "measurable" goals... and correct behaviors for marital skill building.<P>Most importantly... training (usually necessary) in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>!<P>If his behaviors are not "right"... not building your relationship...<BR>...it should be addressed... with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>!<P>Try this before any thought at Plan B...<BR>...but if you are following <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... he must know your feelings!<P>Do check out my posts... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P>My prayers to you.<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 31, 2001).]

NSR,<P>Thanks for your reply.<P>We have been seeing an MC since early on in recovery. The MC's approach is consistent with MB principles. The MC thinks that H is not doing nearly enough to rebuild and that his behavior is hindering my personal recovery as well as marital recovery. The MC has told him this and given him specific suggestions, which H does not follow through on.<P>My H and I have discussed and agreed to the POJA. H has breached it on a number of occasions, and each time, we discuss it again in the context of my perceived breach and he agrees to it again. H has even reminded me of the POJA on occasion. I have printed out Harley's description of the POJA; H won't read it. I have suggested the workbook on the subject of the POJA, H won't participate.<P>We have discussed the Rule of Honesty. Yes, I apply it; my H pays lip service to it. And H knows, from my honest communications that his bahaviors are not building our relationship. He seems to be taking the approach that if he is happy now, then I should be too. Even though I have told him clearly the exact opposite and spelled out where the problems are.<P>If I am following the POJA and the Rule of Honesty, but my H only does when it suits him, then am I best to move to plan B?<P>Maybe I will talk to the IC specifically about plan B the next time I see him.

Plan B is a big move...<BR>...and should be used <B>as a last resort</B>.<P>If you think you're really there...<BR>If the balance of your Love Bank is soooo low...<P>Do seek out advice from your counselor.<P>You're asking for a commitment...<BR>...and you're not getting it...<BR>...and I can see how... like an ongoing affair...<BR>...that lack of commitment is as bad as (sometimes worse than) an affair.<P>My prayers...<P> <P>Jim