Hello all you Plan A'ers <P>Well, we've learned alot haven't we? Being an active Plan A'er for 2 months, I have an opinion on it. Now, of course, I don't have any credentials or alot of letters before or after my name, this is simply an layman's point of view.<P>First let me say that Plan A (implimented properly) does and can work. I think Plan A is a vehicle used by MB to impliment the priciples taught here. I also think that Plan A is a "distraction" to the BS. Let me explain: When the BS is faced with the reality that their beloved spouse has had an A, they are overwhelmed, shocked and nearly suicidal. Even the best of us (myself included) who consider ourselves emotional governors can't hold back the beast when faced with this trauma. We can't eat, sleep, think or do anything in our day to day lives. What do we do? Well, you can talk to someone (MC) or read books or visit websites and gather the information you need to get some understanding as to how this could happen to you. Even when you have what you think is necessary info in regards to your M, you're still a mess. Your WS won't talk about it, you constantly cry, yell and feed your ever growing depression. Even when educated with the extensive information available on A's we STILL can't cope. Enter Plan A. If you break it apart and examine it, simply put, it's a distraction from the emotions tearing at your soul. The more you concentrate on not love busting, no disrespectul judgements, not withdrawling, you allow your mind time to absorb the facts and deal with all your emotions. I think idividually, MB priciples and Plan A can not work, you need an understanding of one for the other to be effective. Instead of thinking about how hurt or betrayed you feel, you're focusing on "Plan A". <P>Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking it, it's a much needed tool to successfully survive an A no doubt about it. My point to all this babble? An old saying: KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid). It's a simple application to a very complex problem. <P>Here is a silly example of distraction: Being a cop, we're taught in the academy what to do if someone pulls a gun on you and is holding it to your face and your choices are next to none. Ok, very traumatic and very dangerous, obviously. What do you do? Fall to your knees and beg for you life? Maybe, but we want to do whatever it takes to leave this bad situation alive and intact (sound familiar?). My instructor said, one option is to distract your attacker by getting him talk, to say anything doesn't matter what. As soon as they begin to talk, you have a split second to act (if you so choose). You see, it's impossible to talk and pull the trigger at the same time with any effectivness. Well, our whole class laughed...until we tried it. We all took our weapons (unloaded of course) and tried it. We took turns trying to hold someone at bay with a gun. When be began to interact with our victim, it was very difficult to talk and pull the trigger at the same time effectively. It allowed the "victim" that split second to act i.e. dissarm or disable the attacker. The attacker simply doesn't have the reaction time in their brain to do both.<P>I know this is an extreme example of distraction but you get the point. Think of Plan A as that distraction needed to sidestep your emotions and survive the encounter intact.<P>Sorry for the long post, but it's food for though.<P> <P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle

scarlet pumpernickle - IMHO I agree w your asessment.Though my situation is not good, I found the more I was able to direct my attention away from wy wife and "us"and more towards me; the better I was/am able to do plan a. When I was in the middle of the can't sleep, eat , or work phase,(still visit that place too often) I couldn't plan a very well. In retrospect, I agree that part of the beauty of plan A is in it's simplicity.( But it's a paradox; it was very difficult for me to get the hang of it, I can still LB w/o intending to !)

rem<p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited June 02, 2001).]

There is some truth to what you say...<P>Often... for newbies... I give the advice of just following Plan A until you understand the "why"s of it!<P>But in the <B>long term</B>...<BR>...Plan A is just part of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<BR>...and if you don't start learning them ASAP...<BR>...you'll have a hard time making <B>any</B> relationship work.<P>Good thoughts!<P> <P>Jim