So my wife has left...she had affair during marriage, then again after she told me 6 weeks ago while we were having therapy (with a different guy no less)...she is continuing to see OM, and no Plan A'ing I did made it better, so I asked her to move out. She was VERY angry about it but she did. So I guess we are in B now. I tried to work with her, but she constantly says she needs space to work out issues on her own, that she isn't attracted to me and wants to look elsewhere, sample others, etc.<BR>So she hasn't said she wants a divorce for certain - she says she is mostly certain, but wants to remain seperated for a bit, see how she feels. That works out for me, since that's what PLan B is about to a certain degree. However at what point do I go from Plan B to Divorce? Right now she is totally unguilty over what she did; she is convinced and has said no force on earth can make her want me the proper way again; and she is convinced our relationship is unhealthy (mostly because I keep forgiving her). At what point do I move from Plan B to divorce? plus, while I am on B and seperated, do I assume I'm still married regarding fidelity? I can't imagine I'm going to WANT to date any time soon...but my family had watched me be lonely and loveless for so long, they are all gung-ho about trying to fix me up again. What's appropriate?<BR>

The appropriate thing would be to stay on the moral and legal high ground and not have an affair yourself before your divorce is final if there is one. Besides that, you will not be Plan B in if you are dating, you wil be just as guilty as her in sampling while under the vows, and not putting your marriage first. Besides, dating while married, what kind of girl and relationship are you really going to get? Chances are not good for anything really good until you have had time to really recover from your marriage. Give it a break, at least until you are really ready to completely give up- and then after you have made your court appearances, if they happen.<P>I say if because there is every likelyhood she will be coming back sometime soon. You've been married this long, give it at least a couple months to see what happens. She may turn around and grow up and snap out of her fog, it happens alot. You will know when it is time to file. When the love banks are drained and you can't take anymore and just want to move on you will be really sure, then you will know, don't be in a rush if you are not sure divorce is final and expensive AND very painful, and way too common in our society. <P>

Hey, thought I'd bump this to the top for you ernie, there must be someone out there who can give you advise besides me on Plan B, come on guys.<P>How are things going for you?<P>

I'm doing pretty poorly right now. I went to the therapist she was going to for the last 4-5 weeks. Therapist said that although it's possible she may come back, that I shouldn't plan on it, that wife was pretty resolute in sessions that geting away was good for her and so forth. and, that from what wife was telling her in sessions, that the chemistry she talked about was possibly never there, adn I should be planning to get on with my life and not plan on her coming back. <BR>I suppose I've been going through what a lot of other people go through when the sig other leaves - sense of loss, betrayed, etc.<BR>Spoke to wife briefly - she is all pissed off I made her leave. She doesn't want to see me anytime soon.<BR>I'm pretty depressed. I've got a whole f*ing zoo in my house - a parrot(mine before her), 4 cats, all strays she rescued, and a dog she rescued from someone we knew. I am having a hard time with it (although I'm sure having kids is far worse!) - without someone home, it's very difficult for me to do stuff, work late, because I have to take care of them, and I don't want to give them away. Hardly fair to them. As well, we bought a house when we got married, it's a lot for one person to deal with. Thankfully my family is coming up this weekend to help me clean it up. I most likely need to get a service or something to help me keep it in order.<BR>And, honestly, I'm very lonely. The idea of dating again so soon - while scarey - I feel the compulsion to want to be with women, because our own intimate life was non-existant for a long time. I guess I'll try and hold off.<P><BR>

cyber hugs {{{{{{{{{Ernie}}}}}}}}}}<P>You are a very level headed kind of guy. in fact if my h ever got stupid and we got the big D I'd be looking you up! <P>Take it one minute at a time if you have to. Try offering a neighbor a few bucks a weeks to come over and take care of the dogs and cats while you are gone, check in on them from time to time. Anyone you can trust with a housekey nearby? The cleaning service is a good idea. Stress from one less thing for you.<P>

Hey, how are things going? I hope I didn't scare you off w/ what I said. If I did I'm sorry, just trying to lift your spirits. Believe me that I am very devoted to my marriage. <P> Do keep posting.<P><BR>

Oh no, I'm not scared off! <BR>Family (Parents, 2 sisters) came up this weekend (all weekend, 10 am to 10 pm) to help me clean house. Wifey was a very poor stay-at-home housekeeper. They got like 60% done, and they are very good at what they do, so you can imagine the mess. It was rough for me - I mean, they are great support, but it's hard not to feel like a smacked [censored] and be sheepish as they do stuff and you (well me) can feel them thinking "jeez she didn't do this...she didn't do that...this looks horrible...why the heck is he still attached to her?..." We also changed the locks, that was horribly hard.<BR>One friend who lives 20 minutes away offered to be there for emergencies, so that's one small thing taken care of re the animals. <BR>Here's another PLan B question: is it appropriate to start packing her stuff up? I mean, family and therapist (and plan b docs) said I should start living my life without her, so do I start packing up what she didn't take?

Can I imagine the mess, lol. I can probably imagine worse than what you had actually. Here's my story on a similar note.<P>Back well, about 9 years ago now I was pregnant with our youngest daughter, had our oldest D who was just 4 months old when I found out I was pregnant again, OMG!!<P>Well, when I was 4 months along in the preg I fell one night while carrying the oldest baby to go get H from work (slipped on black ice- WHAM). I almost lost the baby, there was bleeding that didn't stop for weeks and a blood clot that formed at the placenta that was so large all the high risk specialists told me they were 100% sure I would miscarry and offered an abortion. Of course, I chose not to do that, instead got a blessing from some elders in our church, and was sure that all would be ok in the end, I just knew in my heart.<P>Well, to make a long story short, all was ok in the end, even though she was 7 weeks premature, she had fully developed lungs and has been the healthiest of all my kids, a real miracle baby. But through it all I was on strict bed rest and in and out of the hospital to stop my premature labor. Of course I could do no housework, at all, for a while they freaked about me even getting out of bed to go to the bathroom!<P>Well, when I got home from the hospital after I had the baby, I looked around my house and just cried. I have never, ever seen such a mess, hope I never do again. My H had done nothing to pick up the entire time. <P>My oldest baby was living w/ my Aunt because H had to work during that time thank God, it would have been bad to have had a kid in there. I had a friend's mom volunteer to come over and clean for me, I still was on bed rest for a while since I had had a c-section (she was foot first breach). I was never so mortified in my entire life as when I had to let her in my house and see that mess and see her cleaning, but I was so thankful too.<P>My H never apologized, never helped out w/ the cleaning, nothing, didn't even seem to bother him. That still bugs me. So, yea, I understand your story. <P>As for packing her stuff, I don't think it matters to Plan B one way or another. If you want to because it will help you I say go for it. If you don't and you feel comforted by seeing her stuff around then don't. Any other opinions out there? Well, that's my 2 cents. <P>