Hello,<BR>I am new on this site. I was just browsing the web site and ran across this web site. I have read a lot of interesting topics. My prayers are with all of you. I am asking for anyone that believes in God and believe his will be done in my life to help me understand why I can not move on with my life. I am a 35 year old female, I was married for only 2 years and in those 2 years the Lord bless me with a beautiful baby girl, by my husband. I shall never forget on the day of our anniversary when I told him, his comments where just, Oh!. And we had been praying and asking God to bless us with a child. This is my first child and my first marriage. <BR>I started figuring out that my marriage was falling apart when he got a pager and from there he started working late, then he would have to go work on Sunday's and he never wanted to work on Sunday's. I never stop trusting him, but I did approach him and asked him was something going on that I needed to no about. He said everyting was fine. My annivesary was in July 1999 in August 1999 he said he did not want his marriage anymore. I was four months and I was completely stunned. I tried to talke with him but he would not talk, he said that I aggervated him. So I stop communicatin with him unless he called. I was under so much pressure until I had to be restricted from work and put to be bed. The only income that I had was mine. He never came to any of the Dr.'s appointments, he never called just to see how I was doing are anything. And if he did call he would call and just say that things could not work out. <P>So in December 1999 I asked not to call anymore because it was to much of strain on me and the child. So far I was doing good. I found out later the lady that I thought was messing around with my husband, that told me to my face that she was not, was seeing my husband, they had moved in together. I continue to work part-time and my hours had been shorten by employer because of health reason. My child was due March 1st my last day at work was January 31st. <BR>I managed to get the baby nursery and everything ready, He did not contribute to any of this. I 5 days past my due date March 1 2000. I had made up in my mind I was not going to call him, I left to go to the hosiptal and my sister contacted him and did show up to my surprise. Shortly after 14 hours of labor and I delivered, he left. He did show any kinda of concern or happiness about the birth of our child.<P>I did not hear from him any more, When I did arrive home, I had a message on my voice mail that my employer did not need me anymore and that the poistion that I had was no longer available. I did not have a job to return to, my benifits were terminated immediatly and I did'nt have anything, all my savings were put into my child nursery, I lost my home, I lost everything. As time went Nvember of 2000 he married the young lady that was a memeber of the church we both attended and that he was living with. I still have not been able to understand what is going on and why. This young lady was married as well. They both filed for divorce at the same time.<P>I love my husband, When I found that I was completely destroyed, He has not had a relationship with his daugheter since she been in the world. He did not come for her first baptism, first thanksgiving, first christmas, and the saddest is he missed her first birthday party. <P>I feel like my husband made a decision of allowing the devil to destroy his marriage. To make this topic short. I still love my husband, not because he is the father of my child, but because, I felt that when I prayed to God and asked him to bless me with a husband, he blessed me with this man. I do believe that God knows what is best for me. I have tried to move on with my life as well as trying to block memories and my ex-husband out. But each day I am reminded of him. I finally got a call from my ex-husband and he wanted to see the baby, but he wanted to take somewhere, which means away from me. I don't really don't trust him with her by his self. I bascially told him that I have not had problem with yu having a relationship with his daughter and that I have no problem with him coming to get her. The only problem I have is that you have a wife that betrayed me and I will not allow my daughter to be around her. After I made that statement, he hung the phone up in my face. And to this day I have not heard from him. In my mind I said I hope I did the right thing.<P>It has been 1 year since our divorce. I have not met anyone nor have I been involved with anyone, because my heart is still with him. <P>I want to be happy, feel my happiness is with him. Our child does not even have a relationship with him to no who he really is. Because I think of him all the time. And you would think a year is enough time to aleast heal a litte.<P>Did I make the right decision<BR>A cry for Help!!<P>

Beleve n God,<P> I am praying for you and your daughter. Your Ex-husband doesn't know what he is missing. I love my kids. You told your ex-husband about the baby on the way. Did the problems of working late happen before or after? Just by the way that you described his reaction to you being pregant makes me think that he was having second thoughts about being a father. You said that you don't trust him with your daughter, but you want him to have a relationship with her. Do you think that he or his wife will harm your daughter? If so, let him meet you and your daughter somewhere you can watch him with her. That may show you that he is ok with taking care of her. Was there any visitation and support agreement in the divorce settlement?<P>Indy<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by INDY_357 (edited June 07, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by INDY_357:<BR><B>Beleve n God,<P> I am praying for you and your daughter. Your Ex-husband doesn't know what he is missing. I love my kids. You told your ex-husband about the baby on the way. Did the problems of working late happen before or after? Just by the way that you described his reaction to you being pregant makes me think that he was having second thoughts about being a father. You said that you don't trust him with your daughter, but you want him to have a relationship with her. Do you think that he or his wife will harm your daughter? If so, let him meet you and your daughter somewhere you can watch him with her. That may show you that he is ok with taking care of her. Was there any visitation and support agreement in the divorce settlement?<P>Indy<BR> <P>[This message has been edited by INDY_357 (edited June 07, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Indy,<BR>The problems started in between, I actually found out I was pregnant 2 weeks before my anniversary, and I was waiting to tell him then. But he started pulling himself away form me slowly. I don't no if me telling him that I was pregnant made him respond that way, or if he just was planning on leaving anyway. I trust him to be with her, but the whole deal is the wife. This lady came to me and told me that she was not messing around with my husband. I believed her and him as well, and we all moved on with our families. You see she was married and had childerns. I just started my marriage and she destroyed it. I spoke with her ex-husband and he told me that she is doing things to hurt whom ever she can. But as far as trusting him with my daughter, to a certain extent. As long as I no his wife is not around. If the are truly married. You asked me do I think she would harm my child, if she did what she did to me I really feel it is no telling what she would do to my child. She never really was around her 2 kids to say that she was a good mother. She and I were members of my fathers church and my father married her and her husband as well as me and my husband. My father bruied her mother and I was there, I was there to see her and her husband be a family. And everyday I ask myself what did I do to her for her to do what she has done to me. I have told him he has to see her on my terms until I feel comfortable with him begin alone with out my supervision. My daughter is all I have now, and the sad thing is she looks just like her dad. <P>Indy, I love him not because we have a child together, but because I feel I prayed and asked God to bless me with a companion and I feel he bless me with him.<P>Keep praying for me and I will keep you posted<BR>

Believe n God,<P> You didn't answer the question about support or visitation issues. Was there an agreement on that?<P>Indy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by INDY_357:<BR><B>Believe n God,<P> You didn't answer the question about support or visitation issues. Was there an agreement on that?<P>Indy</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh! I am so sorry, No there was none of the above. That's what I was trying to tell you He had all this done his self. The divorce decree stated that whatever we came in to the marriage with that's what will leave out with. We had a home, but I lost it during the time we were separated, I tried to keep but I could not afford it by myself. As far as visitations there was no granted because in the decree it stated that we did not have childern while we were married.<P>I have read the decree over and over and it just don't seems legal. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by believe n god:<BR><B> Oh! I am so sorry, No there was none of the above. That's what I was trying to tell you He had all this done his self. The divorce decree stated that whatever we came in to the marriage with that's what will leave out with. We had a home, but I lost it during the time we were separated, I tried to keep but I could not afford it by myself. As far as visitations there was no granted because in the decree it stated that we did not have childern while we were married.<P>I have read the decree over and over and it just don't seems legal. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Did you get a lawyer for yourself during the divorce proceedings? Did the filing papers have a statement about if you were pregnat or not? I don't know about your state, but my filing papers have that statement on there. I sounds like you Ex split to avoid responsiblity.<P>My wife has had the OM around my kids since she left the house. He saw my kids more than I did until she gave me the kids in early May. I know that it is hard to have the person that took your Husband away around your kids. I don't want to hurt you by saying this. Unfortunatly she is a part of his life for now and maybe for the rest of his life. I feel this way. If your Ex calls again ask him if he would like to see his daughter, if he does let him. Your daughter needs both of you in her life. By the way, how long has it been since he called you? You said that you knew his wife would she hurt a defensless child? <P>Indy<P>

"Did I make the right decision"<P>I am not sure what decision you are talking about .. do you mean the decision to not let your daughter have a relationship with your XH's new wife(OW)? I think your decision was the right one. Here's my thinking...<P>Your XH had not made attempt to form a relationship with his daughter. He was very easily put off in his one attempt to do so. He is a stranger to your daughter. If you had let him take her for a visit she would have been traumatized. At this point she has no idea that there is supposed to be a special bond between her and this stranger. She would only know that he is a stranger.<P>To this day he seems to have no concept of the hurt he caused you and your daughter. He and the OW are not good influences on your daughter. If he really wanted a relationship with his child, he would be doing everything possible to see her. If he does contact you again about seeing her, you might want to set up supervised visitation. He could go to a friend or family member’s house to see her. This would need to be someone who your daughter knows so that she is not traumatized by being left with stranger.<P>My bet is that he was trying to use her as a pawn to see you. Under the circumstances I think you did what you needed to do. If he wants to see you, then he needs to set up a date and time to see you and you alone. You daughter does not need to be dragged into this mess any more then she already is. <P>By the way, if he does ask to see you.. You would now become the OW since he is remarried. So… this is very touchy. If that happens, think about giving him a plan B letter saying that if he ever divorces “OW” you might still be available.<P>You need to give yourself time to heal. This has been a hard year for you… Sometimes it takes a very long time to get over this stuff. So be good to yourself.<P>just my humble opinion<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I agree with Z. If he wants to see your daughter let him in a controled enviroment.<P>Indy<p>[This message has been edited by INDY_357 (edited June 08, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by INDY_357:<BR><B>I agree with Z. If he wants to see your daughter let him in a controled enviroment.<P>Indy<P>[This message has been edited by INDY_357 (edited June 08, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Indy, I must tell you something, I received a phone call on yesterday and it was him. He started his conversation off by apolizing for ABONDONING me and his child. He also stated that he had been thinking about ME and did not have time to really call and have a conversation that would probably be long. But he finally found the time to do this. He also said that he was wrong and that he wanted me to forgive him. He also said that he missed me and his child. He asked how my family was doing and in the same breath said that he missed them as well. After he said what he had to say, I told him first, I do except your apology. I must tell you how I feel, I told him that he has hurt me beyond healing, You took my life and throw everything that we had accomplish together and throw it away like trash. You said you love me and never would hurt me, but you did, you asked God (as well as me) to bless us with a family (a child) and God did that and you left. And the only thing you can say is you are sorry. I told him I never thought in my that I was such a bad person that you would do to this to me. I did' nt even think that I marriage was that bad. I asked him at that time, why did he do it. He could only say that he did'nt no. <P>He asked could he see me and the baby I told him again as always , you are her DAD, you are always welcome to see her, but you can not take her with out supervision from someone that she knows.<P>Did I say to much are not enough. WHAT"S GOING ON... I NEED GUIDANCE.<BR>

You did very well. I'm proud of you because I know it is hard.<P>It does sound like he wants to get back with you, or at least have you on the side. So be ready for that. Please take care of yourself and do not let yourself be sucked into the OW position. <P>Have you read "Surviving an Affair" yet? My suggestion is that if he starts to purpuse you, give him a plan B letter. He would have to leave his current wife and clean up his act before you could even consider taking him back. If he did all of that, then you would know that he is a changed person.<P>Just MHO,<BR>Z

No I don't think that you said to much. Z is totally correct. Don't get sucked into the OM thing. Keep praying for guidance on this and we will all be here for you to. Do you have someone in your family that you and he both trusts that will allow him come over and see his daughter? I also think Z is right about reading the book that he mentioned to you. Aswell as the letter. I am happy that he called. I know that your heart skipped a beat. I am praying for you and your family.<P>Indy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by INDY_357:<BR><B>No I don't think that you said to much. Z is totally correct. Don't get sucked into the OM thing. Keep praying for guidance on this and we will all be here for you to. Do you have someone in your family that you and he both trusts that will allow him come over and see his daughter? I also think Z is right about reading the book that he mentioned to you. Aswell as the letter. I am happy that he called. I know that your heart skipped a beat. I am praying for you and your family.<P>Indy </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Indy, it was like I had been preparing myself for THE CALL and when it came in, my heart just stop.... I could not believe it. Indy it felt so funny for him to be calling me and I should be leaving work to go and be with him like it use to be. I love him, I can not deny it. I will make sure that my child is safe. And I will keep in touch. Indy it brought back so many memories (happy ones) that I am sadden that we are not together. Why would he could and say he missed us and that he misses his extended family? I can't help but to want him back. We never had alot of aruguments, just disagreements. He was so gentle and loving towards me. He made me feel like his queen. Why did she do this to me. When she could have sad no!!!!<P>But htat is the past she will have to deal with it. Wish me luck. Indy I will let the spirit of the Lord lead me.<P><BR>