I'm writing because I'm looking for a little positive reenforcement. Yesterday, I asked my wife to move out of the house to begin Plan B. I know this was a necessary step but it hurts like hell. the short version of the story is that I have been married for 10 years and have 3 wonderful children. Last year I caught my wife in an affair. She broke it off with him and I began Plan A and everything seemed to be going better. She stopped the affair and everything seemed to start moving in a positive direction. I recently found out that she started another affair with someone new. What's worse, he got her pregnant. She is terminating the pregnancy tomorrow, she says that she made a mistake and she dosen't want to bring another kid into this kind of life. She says that she cares about me, but she is no longer in love with me. I guess what hurts me the most is that the person she's been seeing is the mirror image of me. He looks similar, has the same personality, likes and dislikes. The main difference between her new boyfriend and me is that he has less responsibility because he is single. I look at him and think to myself that if I had never married that I would be at the same place in my life as he is now. I feel like I have literally been traded in for a model with less miles. I guess my biggest problem is that I love her unconditionally, and that love is not returned. I have no idea how she feels or if she even cares. I need some words of wisdom from people who have been there. Has anyone out there in this type of situation that went to plan B and was successful? Now that I'm alone for the first time in 10 years, where do I go from here? How do I move on with my life and just put my marriage to the side? Gee, my pain and insecurity isn't showing or anything, is it? Please respond here or by email at sales@dronline-az.com.<P>Thank you in advance for your help.

I can't offer any advice from experience, because I am in a similar situation right now. I have been divorced for three weeks after an 18 year marriage. There is an OM, and the four kids get to watch the whole thing!<P>I do offer my prayers, and hopes for you. God Bless.

An update(it's a bit of a jumble, but I'm frustrated)...<P>This week she terminated her pregnancy with her boyfriend's baby. She was told she couldn't be alone for a few days after the procedure. So I did what I always do, I took care of her and gave her love, compassion and understanding. She asked me why I was doing this for her, and I told her that this was what true love was all about. I tried to explain to her that with everything that is going on in her life, she can't count on her parents or relatives, she couldn't confide in her friends, and of course the boyfriend is nowhere to be found because she is having this procedure behind his back and she dosen't want him to know. Unfortunately I fell back into the trap, because I forgot that I care about her but she dosen't care about me. I told her before the procedure that I wanted her out in a week, but because of the procedure I had to postpone it. Now that I've taken care of her and shown her once again how much I loved her, I feel she is using it to manipulate me. She is telling me she dosen't have enough money to move out and she needs at least another 2 weeks. She left a piece of paper on the counter last night, when I looked at it, it turned out to be a note to her boyfriend, apologizing for losing the baby and saying she wants to continue to try on their relationship because she has no feelings for me anymore. After reading that note, wow do I feel stupid! I feel that if I don't stick to my conditions of moving out in 1 week, I'm going to make this to easy for her and too easy to be manipulated by her. I'm so frustrated and confused...could anyone with a level head give me some advice on this because I'm going to go crazy!

It seems to me that you need to get on with your plan B, quickly. As soon as she is well enough to do other things, demand that she leave. You wife appear not to respect you right now, and if she is ever going to regain it she needs to be away from you to appreciate what she is giving up. <BR>As for you, you also need to separate from the constant hurts and betrayals. One of the benefits that I have found to plan B is that it insulates you from additional day to day hurts, such as finding the note you found, because you are not aware of them. I have tried to stop snooping (even though I occassionally do and get more hurt), but overall my stress level is lower the less I know about the status of the affair. I have tried not get angry when we speak on the phone about plans for our son, and bite my lip so as not to get into an argument.<BR>You need to think of your children and also insulate them from this mess. I do not know all of your details, but unless she is willing to recomit to your marriage, then you need to be apart and let her do her thing. If and when she's ready, you will know it, but you need to begin to think about going it alone until that time comes. Try to keep yourself healthy so that you can survive the initial pain. With time you will feel more secure about your ability to go at it alone if she does not return. If she does return, you would have gained her respect for remaining true to yourself and establishing boundaries to deal with her unaccepatable affairs. <P>

AZDarkness:<BR>The facts:<P>1. She's in FOG<BR>2. R with new boyfriend is fantasy stuff, she can't share basic intimate stuff with him.<BR>3. Plan A makes you a doormat<BR>4. She'll continue indefinitely if you let her<BR>5. You're not a wimp, just loving & caring, but your behaviour isn't appreciated right now, to your W, you're a wimp. WAKE UP!<BR>6. I have a book I'll send you, I have your e-mail. Read it! This is the good advice you need. I'll share my complet story with you, and you could perhaps learn from it. I pray so.<P>expect my mail<BR>muzohead

muzohead,<BR><B>3. Plan A makes you a doormat</B><BR>Yes it does, It is up to you to decide how long you can take it BEFORE you go to Plan B.<P><B>4. She'll continue indefinitely if you let her</B><BR>Most likely. This is where a good Plan A is essential in showing her your love and care for her.<P><B>5. You're not a wimp, just loving & caring, but your behaviour isn't appreciated right now, to your W, you're a wimp. WAKE UP!</B><BR>It is not appreciated because the affair is ongoing and practically anything you may do is unappreciated. It is essential to continue Plan A because it shows your spouse you can be loving even when they are showing you no respect whatsoever.<P><B>6. I have a book I'll send you</B><BR>Please let us in on the secret. What’s the title?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>