Dr. H. writes about plan A:<P>Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. <P>I completely buy the idea behind Plan A. They make complete and total sense to me. But I'm puzzled about something -- although perhaps frustrated is a better term. Perhaps someone with more experience can help. <P>My WS's A first came to light three months ago, and I've learned a lot more about it more recently -- some from him, but mostly through snooping. I only found this forum last week, so Plan A and Plan B are new to me. And given the way things are going now, it may be too late for us, too late for Plan A or B. But, just in case...<P>My questions:<P>How does one encourage negotiation "to totally separate from the lover" without becoming demanding? <P>What should BS do if attempts to discuss the situation trigger disrespect and angry outbursts from the WS? <P>How can BS confront and work through the pain that has arisen as a result of the A without making WS feel bad? <P><BR>I ask these because after reading about plan A, I realized that I was sort of implementing my own version of plan A (obviously imperfectly) -- I understood intuitively, right from the beginning, that getting angry, demanding, and being disrespectful would only make the situation worse. But now that I know more about the A (I didn't learn most of what I know from him), I feel like I have been so reasonable that I've been a complete chump. He has not shown the slightest interest in negotiating anything with me, let alone a total break with the OW. He would not accept any of my attempts to try to begin a calm conversation about the circumstances: I'd have to back off immediately, or it would lead to a big blow out. <P>I'm really wondering what I could have done differently.<P>Here's the relevant background: <P>WS made it clear, three months ago when I first discovered the A, that he did not want to talk to me about the situation. He said it was over, that that was all I needed to know, that "confessing" further details would be humiliating to him, and "You can't make me talk about things if I don't want to." OK. I didn't push him, I mentioned the situation as little as possible. I didn't ask him about any of it. I wasn't happy about the situation. I assumed from the beginning that the A had arisen in part because his needs were not being met in our relationship, but I didn't know how to begin to try to meet them if he wouldn't communicate them to me, if he wouldn't let me know what he felt had been missing. Every time I tried to talk to him about ANYTHING to do with our relationship at all (even if it was not directly related to the affair), he would either tell me I'd been watching too much Oprah, or say that I was making him feel guilty and ask me to stop "pushing him". I usually did stop -- of course sometimes I didn't, and we would have a fight, which didn't help anything (one of the reasons I think Plan A makes a great deal of sense). I tried writing him several letters, sending him e-mails. In each, I tried to be honest about my feelings, take responsibility for my part in creating the situation and explain to him why I felt it was important to me for him to be honest with me. No response, whatsoever. I suspect that in most cases, he didn't even read the letters. Sometimes he did say he would read one later, but he never managed to get around to it. "It makes me feel so guilty," he'd say. He would also say this if I spent a sleepless night sitting in the living room -- that is, if I let on, in any way at all, that I might be thinking or worrying about our situation. I felt like he expected me to feel absolutely *NOTHING* about the situation. He interpreted anything I said about my own feelings as confrontational -- even a sigh was confrontational. I had to find times when he was out of the way even to cry, because if he heard me crying, he'd get agitated and upset, as if I were crying in order to torture him into talking to me. I began to feel I was the one who was doing something wrong, like I was the one hurting him rather than the other way around.<P>

Sounds to me as if he really hasn't ended the affair and is not comitted to rebuilding the marriage. I was in that situation and it was very difficult to hide my hurt and anger. I tried. He made me feel terrible whenever I wanted to vent my feelings and find out more about his needs. It was almost as if he had mentially given up on wanting me to meet his needs and was constantly thinking about the other person.<BR>After 9 months of back and forth like this, I just stopped trying and am in plan B, already in the divorce process. I still feel as hurt, but not having to rehash it directly with him everyday or confront him has made me feel more relaxed. I developed hypertension and almost started on antidepressants until I decided that I had to end this rollercoaster before it drove me insane. <BR>He's in la la land right now, living the fantasy with her, and hopefully beginning to experience real life with the ow. It's a sad and shameful situation he's in, but it's his decision. If he ever truly wants to come back, I'm here, but only if he's willing to terminate the affair completely and committ to counseling. Mostly, he would have to be remoreseful and put up with my hurt and pain. I doubt that that will ever happen. <BR>Take care of yourself. If he's unable to give you the emotional support that you need to get over this, it's very difficult to do it by yourself. Try to keep yourself physically and emotionally healthy so that you can survive the roller coaster ride, and hopefully you'll be a better person when the ride is over. At that time, he'll either be ready to join you or you'll be ready to take off on your own and rebuild your life without him.<BR>Remember, you were not the betrayer and your reaction is normal. Don't doubt yourself. You are willing to work on your marriage. <BR>You can only Plan A for so long on your own. If the other person doen't respond within a reasonable time, then you have to go to B to preserve your sanity and self -respect while your H figures out his own needs and wheather he wants to work on the marriage.<BR>He feels guilt and shame and is simply trying to reflect it back on you so that he doesn't have to confront it.<BR>My thoughts and prayers are with you for a healthy recovery.<BR> <BR>

utterly,<P>I was fortunate and found this site only 3 days after d-day. I dove in head first and implimented Plan A immediatley. When I first read about Plan A and tried it, I though, there is no way this will work. How can it? Well, much to my suprise, if done properly, it does work. It's not EASY, no way, but it does work. <P>I was fortunate (I guess) that my W (WS) ended the A on her own and confessed a month later, making it possible to Plan A with no more contact to OM.<P>My only advice is stick to it, read and post here as often as necessary to get through the rough spots, and Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<P>Good luck <P><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle