I'm starting Plan A and I feel very awkward and nervous. My W and I have started counseling with SH. Is it appropriate to still kiss my wife (WS) before I go to work in the morning, before I go to sleep, or whenever? Even further, what about sex? Is it a LB to initiate sex at this time? I wouldn't be pushy about it. She probably would do it but perhaps just to appease me. Afterall, after the A she told me that she had never wanted sex with me like she did with the OM. My W shows no signs that she will initiate any form of affection. It's like she doesn't need me for anything right now. In fact, if I tell her "Good night, I love you." before I go to sleep she just says, "I know." or "Good night." By showing such affection, am I making a problem even bigger or still showing her I care for her and love her very much?

SprayerGuy,<P>Tough to respond to that one. Responses will be all over the map. Some people have better sex than ever after DDay, and some don't have any at all for quite a period of time. The hardest but best lesson in Plan A is to have no expectations AT ALL for any of your needs being met for up to six months. I think if you find yourself becoming resentful then you're expecting too much in this first phase. <P>I think I'd answer yes to this question though "Is it appropriate to still kiss my wife (WS) before I go to work in the morning, before I go to sleep, or whenever? " Tell her that you love her too, but don't be expecting it back just yet.<P>Read all that you can, get back in touch with yourself. After 5 months of this crap there are some days that are great and still some days I want to pack it in, but ultimately I know my wife and I belong together. I've just started Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil. Interesting stuff. Keeps me focused on me. Sometimes I think the BS gets lost in the Plan A.<P>Make a great weekend,<P>FS

Thanks FS. Sometimes I just need a reality check. Most days I can handle the lack of response or attention from W but last night I had to go downstairs and cry a while before finally feeling a peace enough to go to sleep. We've made love once since DDay and afterwards she said, "I hope you understand that this doesn't change anything." Boy, wasn't that comforting (not). Its only been 2-1/2 months since D-day and about two weeks of Plan A but I hope it doesn't get any harder. I never thought I'd feel such pain. I'll refocus on having no expectations and feeling like a doormat for a while...

SprayerGuy,<P>Have you ever thought about a doormat... it's the place that you wipe your feet before entering a room. Wouldn't it be nice if our Spouses used that doormat to wipe the OP off before entring our homes and lives. Just a thought!!<P>Doormats get tired and worn out and need to be changed periodically!! What kind of change can you make to your doormat?<P>C ya daybreak

daybreak,<P>I think it would nice to clean it up and smooth out the rough spots and curly edges so that the words "Welcome to our home" and "Love inside this house" could be easily read.

Me too.<P>I've also thought about just throwing the old thing out!!<BR>But truth betold I would rather re-juvenite the one I have, like you!!

You have a kind heart, but as the betrayed spouse and a successful plan A participant (1 plus year), I encourage you to move forward with as much affection as you feel. We were one of the Best Sex after DDay, and realized from the beginning that when we felt most lonely/awful, it was because we needed hugging/touching, and gave eachother permission to hold on to each other as much as needed. What a difference after 10 seconds of holding on, it melts the heart and releases the love. Kiss goodby, look longingly into each other's eyes, hold hands (lots) and move forward as affectinately as you feel, she will probably feel that way too, thaw the protective ice.

dutchy:<P>Thanks for the words of encouragement. They are really needed. I know what the end goal is but sometimes I have a hard time remembering the way to get there. The defenses she puts up are hard to take sometimes. The fact that she expresses no remorse or guilt is hard to take. Just standing next to me at church would be nice once in a while.....I'll keep giving <BR>SG

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SprayerGuy:<BR><B>The defenses she puts up are hard to take sometimes. The fact that she expresses no remorse or guilt is hard to take. Just standing next to me at church would be nice once in a while.....I'll keep giving <BR>SG</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Man, do I know how you feel, SG! My wife has really tried to reconcile with me and restore her love to me, but sometimes she seems SO far away, and like you said, you don't want to push it, so you go downstairs and cry for a while, just so you can go to sleep. She seems to be having a great time and enjoying the flowers, chocolates, dinner dates, etc, but inside I am so hurting and want to explode.<P>But like you said, grit your teeth and continue to give, give, give. She won't even go to church with me, and that has made it hard, being inbetween a rock and a hard place. I am just keeping my hope in the fact that maybe soon, she'll see what she has in me, and regret her affair. I want SO badly to ask her if she regrets it yet, but it's only been 2 weeks for me and I don't need to hear her answer just yet.<P>Keep at it, man. We can do it. I know we can.

GodlyMan,<P>Feel some comfort in the fact that your W has tried to reconcile and that you feel like she is trying to restore love. My W hasn't done anything of the sort. And usually, if I send a note, in the mail or just leave it for her in the house, she doesn't acknowledge that she got it. I only know she found it because I will see the open envelope laying out. Of course it probably doesn't make sense to ask her if she got my notes or cards either. I think this is the biggest reason that I need to go and flush out the tear ducts every once in a while. Its like she really doesn't care anymore about our relationship and just needs me around as a father and breadwinner. Keep up the good fight.<BR>SG