I'm about 2 weeks into Plan B and I'm wondering if Plan B can even be pulled off in my situation.<P>My wife has moved into an apartment across town, but our kids are older 18, 17 and 14. We've raised them to be caring and helpful kids, and now it seems my kids are picking up where my emotional support left off. My wife has yet to spend a night alone, one of the kids is always there to keep her company. All of the tasks I used to do, seem to be taken over by one of my boys. He's gotten her car fixed for her, repaired stuff at the apartment and in general is providing a fairly high level of emotional support. I don't begrudge the kids this. At the beginning, my wife and I both agreed we wouldn't attempt to drive any kind of wedges with the kids, but it's frustrating to see her say she wants to do everything on her own and yet rely on our children to provide all sorts of support services.<P>Secondly, she seems to be getting help and encouragement from friends that cast an unreal and unwholesome shadow over the whole thing. She's gotten house-warming gifts for crying out loud, like she's some 20 something finally getting out on her own (she's 42). She's even got my daughter being excited (or so she appears to her mother, when she talks to me she cries) about "mom's new apartment."<P>And finally, even though my children and I have always had a very good relationship, when they get back from their mom's if I even ask, "So how did it go?" I get the distinct impression that they don't want to talk about it, I shouldn't ask about it, and if I pursue it, they get really defensive.<P>I wonder what's going on, and I wonder if I should go back and try to Plan A from across town.<P>Oh, and there's one other thing. When she moved out, well, you can hardly tell it. I mean she hardly took anything with her except her cloths and toiletries. She's somehow managed to furnish her apartment, however. She's just about got a completely furnished apartment (all handmedown stuff, but she took almost nothing from the house, even though I told her she could take anything she wanted). Is that weird, does it mean anything?<P>Ok, any help you all could give would sure be appreciated.<P>Thanks in advance

When did your wife move out? Was it two weeks or so ago?<P>If that's the case I say that your children are uncertain on how to deal with this. And if they are seeing others act inappropriately by treating her like she’s a 20 something out on her own for the first time, then they are probably caught up in the excitement of it for the time being.<P>Teenagers are, by their very nature self-centered. Even the best-behaved ones are. They are supposed to be because they are preparing to go out into the world and be on their own. Right now they are being very protective of their mother. But the intensity of this will only last so long. They have learned a very scary bit of information about their mom. She does not love unconditionally. If she walked out on you then she is capable of abandoning them. So they will go over board to compensate. For example they may become angry at you for “making her go.” But they will make all sorts of excuses for her. My stepchildren do this. They are often angry with their father because he took them way from their mother. Now they know full well that she walked out on them about 4 years ago. She sees them for only short visits now. But she tells them that she would have them with her if only dad would let them. It’s an evil game she plays. We had a big break through here a few weeks ago when both of them admitted that they couldn’t get mad at their mother because if they do, then she will abandon them completely. It is safer to be mad at their dad and me. Because they know that we love them unconditionally and will never leave them. Remember that this is hard on your children too. They are also working out their issues.<P>Be supportive of your children. Put no pressure on them, then they will see you as their safe place. It is very unhealthy for a child to become the surrogate spouse. So by all means encourage them to get busy busy busy with school and other activities. It will help both them and your cause.<P>My bet is that all this attention is your kids trying to prove that their mother still loves them. She may be putting guilt trips on them too. But they are, after all, only teenagers. And they will have their own lives. So this “honeymoon” will not last forever. Remember the list of emotional needs; there are things in there that children cannot fill. I know this for a fact. I single parented my son (now 12) for about three years. I am now remarried… believe me I needed more than a child can give. . But let time and the natural order of things take their course. <P>My dad died when I was 20. There were 6 of us still at home. My brother (19) , sister (17) and I stayed with my mom for a while to help with the 3 younger ones still at home (7,9, 12). But believe me at 19 and 20 the last thing we wanted was all that responsibility. Compared to many of today’s children we were very good, helpful children. (For example by mother never had to do one lick of housework after the year I turned 10. My siblings and I were well trained in running a home.) But we were after all teens. Sure we lived at home with her but we were out going to college, visiting friends, etc. I actually think we were more of a burden to her then a help.<P>It is my assumption here that you went to Plan B for very specific reasons. Are those reasons still here? Are you willing to live with what you were living with before? If not then you will need to be patient. Let time and the natural order of things take their course. <P>Also, no do not ask them how things go at their mother’s. This is a big no no. If you ask they will clam up. If you do not, they will probably share what is relevant to them. But, they will not want to feel like they are spying for either one of you.<P>Hope this is of some help,<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Z:<P>Wow. All I can say is thank! I deeply appreciate your response and it's right on target. I especially want to thank you for pointing out what my kids have learned about their mom, and how it affects them. And for reminding me that I'm the one it is safe to get mad at. Thank you again.<P>Ish