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Octavia,<P>I am on travel myself so I only have a few minutes to respond. I will give you my first impression that then perhaps early next week we can discuss why my first impression is probably flawed.<P>You H is scared and manipulating you. My first gut level response is to say set yourself up for the divorce. Simply return when you plan and then leave. Yes, this is a Plan B,but prepare to divorce. Decide what you want out of the divorce, what you expect from him, when you expect it from him and then tell him.<P>Tell him quite simply that you have not been trying to control him but now you are in control. There WILL be a divorce and it will be on your terms or he will pay the consequences. Look him right in the eye. Tell him he acted like a complete horses [censored] on site, and he had better straighten out. HIS GRANT IS IN JEAPORDY.<P>I know this sounds harsh, I know this sounds like it is not MB and it may not be. But my first gut reaction is that he needs to get his chimes rung before he will pay attention. He is far too full of himself.<P>I will say that this see sawing back and forth is typical of being in the fog. Most of what happened is right out of the text book. But I would look him in the eye, the next time he utters the word divorce and tell him exactly what I wrote if it were me. I believe in honesty and he needs a dose of it.<P>Then go to plan B. The true situation is that you must collect enough data for your dissertation right now. I doubt that you will be back, between your H's behavior and the theives you are on borrowed time. <P>Octavia, your marriage may be salvageable, but he is going to have to come out of the fog. I think you being honest and going to Plan B, meaning no sharing house, helping him, whatever will start to open his eyes, but only he can do this. You cannot do it for him nor can you change him.<P>Must go.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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Octavia,<P>Well, I am not really sure what to say. Your OW IS a brilliant student. She is smart enough to let your H do her work for her. I don't think you can compete with that and I suspect you need to tell H that.<P>It seems to me that his three points are pretty clear. It is time for you to start writing up your work, it is time for you to go to Plan B I think. Your H is very deep into this thing, and his ego is getting him in deep trouble both professionally and in your marriage.<P>I really don't know what to say about the whole thing. It seems to me that withdrawing into Plan B is probably the path to go. Your H is so full of himself and he has convinced many people of his right to be a jerk. Heck he has even convinced you. I think this is part of the problem that you have. You are holding him in disportionately high regard. The reality is he knows his isn't that good, hence the paranoia. But it seems to me he needs to bully you into thinking he is.<P>You will need to solve this is issue within yourself, before you can expect your H to address it. Would you love and respect him if were merily compenent?<P>Must go.<P>Hope something I have said will help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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Octavia,<P>I think it is prudent that you delete some of your story. You mentioned Discovery Channel. I saw a story or at least part of one as I didn't see the whole show, and I thought of you. I don't know if it was yours or not, but I was reminded of your story.<P>In any event please do remove some of it if you feel uncomfortable. I was thinking abit, which always gets me in trouble. It seems to me your H may need to see what you posted just before this last post of yours. He needs to know you would love him better if he wasn't an [censored]. He needs to know he doesn't have to be perfect but decent.<P>As for doing the separation, I would recommend that if you do it do it right. Get a lawyer and do it correctly with your interests protected. You and H may fight about it now, but it won't be anything like the fighting that would go on later. He has proven himself to be a dishonest person and a person who sees the world far differently than you. Do it right, and be ready to fight. Perhaps your readiness will make him start to see the light.<P>Must go.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

...<P>Once again, I would like to thank you for helping me through to this point; now I have the tools, the information and the objective assessment I needed. In the months ahead, I guess I'll have to make a lot of decisions on my own in working out the details of our very atypical M situation. I certainly will continue to draw inspiration from, and contribute where I can to, the MB discussions. But I suppose only I know what balance I can strike between doing whatever is possible to save the M and doing what's best for the project and my own research. I guess every dream has its downside; if we hadn't shared so much that was wonderful, the pain might not be as great and the challenges now might be less formidable. But I wouldn't trade what we once shared (and, I pray, may share again some day) for anything. Ooh, getting very emotional now, better sign off. All best wishes, octavia99<BR><p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited July 02, 2001).]

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