I was starting to feel better about us, but have been given a huge blow. W has finally admitted to almost everything. That part is good. Part of that honesty has hurt me to a degree I didn't think possible. She still insists that this hasn't been a PA. Not so sure there. <P>In a nutshell: I had asked for her to be willing to "try" for a period of a couple months (until our son goes back to college). If it wasn't working by then, maybe we should consider the alternatives. We've been together 15 years, married for 9 1/2, so I don't think that was unreasonable. I asked her what was the longest period of time without having contact with the OM? She says 2 weeks (I'm thinking a week maybe? Just from my observations). Doesn't matter. I tried to explain how we've never really gotten a fair shake at recovery - without OM in the picture.<P>She gave me a letter last night and said she'd like a "trial separation" for the two months - without either of us leaving! Basically, she'd like to be able to see him without sneaking around (and "no sex"). Then, see if she wants to stay married. When asked, she didn't flat out say this, but I think she's more worried about loosing HIM. She doesn't know why she isn't happy with me.<P>Part of me says "go to him, get it out of your system" but I really don't know what to think. Help!<P>IFS/Mark<P>[This message has been edited by Ifeelstupid (edited June 22, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Ifeelstupid (edited June 25, 2001).]

Dear IFS, I've read a number of your posts and see some similarities in what our WS's are saying. It's been nine and a half months since D-day for my WH's PA (and the EA leading up to it had been brewing a long time) and were it not for the complications of a joint project my H and I have, I would be into Plan B by now.<P>As it is, I am being compelled to do a "semi-Plan-B" because my H is demanding a Legal Separation, yet wants us to continue to share the same residence (in the US and abroad for the project) and to cooperate on work arrangements for the project. He doesn't want to disturb the aspects of our life together that he finds useful, he merely wants "freedom" to do as he wants (i.e., pursue the A without sneaking around, as you say your W also wants), and then decide (after one year he says) whether he wants a D or wants to stay in the M.<P>What's odd is that my WH will STILL have to "sneak around" in order to pursue his A, because he is a professor and the OW is his student and such a relationship is strictly verboten at the university. So, like you, part of me almost wishes he would go ahead and see just what the A is like once it faces the light of day. In my case, because they will still have the "forbidden love" aspect to groove on, and because of the fantasy environment that the university interactions will provide, I fear they will be able to maintain the disconnection from reality (esp. if I continue to handle much of the project responsibilities as H wants me to).<P>I think for both of us, following the template in SAA and the whole idea of Plan B, if the WS refuses to or "just isn't strong enough" to stop contact with the OP, we BS have to remove ourselves from the picture somehow. The point is that the WS will have no motivation to end the A if he/she continues to have needs met by both the OP and the BS (even if WS THINKS BS isn't meeting any needs, for certain there is something WS's are still getting out of the M or they'd be gone already).<P>I'll be interested in seeing how you decide to handle your situation--and I'm open to advice on on dealing with my own morass. All the best, octavia99