I've been reading posts here about couples who are plan Bing. And I'm not sure that's what I'm doing. My husband was the one who had the affair. My husband was the one who said he wanted to move out(another state) and did. My husband was the one who bought SSA before he left, read it and latched on to plan B. He left almost 4 weeks ago. Since then we have talked only twice on the phone to straighten out bills and utilities. I have stopped e-mailing him. I am still sending him his snail mail. He had to cancel his change of address so I could get the utitlity bills. They are all in his name. He has said he is sorry for what he has done but not that he is willing to work on our marriage. The first two weeks he was gone I e-mailed him regularly saying I was willing to do whatever is takes to mend our marriage. He knows how I feel. He is not reciprocating. Is this really plan B? I definately feel enough pain for it to be plan B. He says this is hard on him and that he knows it is harder on me but that it is his decision. He also has given me many mixed signals in the time since he told me about the affair. I believe he doesn't know what he wants. I believe he is having a mid-life crisis of humongous proportions. And I believe he has set himself up for failure in his affair. It is hard to watch. What should I do?

Plan B... <B>is NOT something that is done to you</B>!<P>It is your choice!<P>You right a Plan B letter...<BR>...you call the shots...<BR>...you stop the contact...<P>...you accept contact from him... if your condition(s) are met!<P>You may think he is Plan B-ing you...<BR>...it's a common approach taken by a WS whether they know about SAA oor not!<P>But it (Plan B) IS IN YOUR CONTROL!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

If there is any way possible, you MUST do plan a for a while before you start Plan B.<P>This is to show your spouse you are loving, kind and understanding under any circumstances.<P>I suggest reading the following;<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What are Plan A & Plan B?</A><P>When you do go to Plan B, it is not a surprise to your spouse. You write the letter so he understands you still want the marriage.<P>In another post you asked if it okay to send him a birthday card while in Plan B.<BR>No it is not okay! As little contact as possible & then only when absolutely necessary (children, bills)<P>Plan B gives him a taste of what it is like without you in his life in any way.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

To the member who responded that Plan B is my choice I would like to ask How can it be my choice when he left? I asked him to stay. He refused. He was unwilling to give up the OW. What would a plan B letter accomplish in a situation like this? There never was a plan A. He wasn't willing to plan A. He ran away.

girlscout,<P>The spouse having the affair does not do Plan A. The spouse having the affair does not do Plan B. These are plans to show the show the spouse having the affair that the marriage is a better place to be.<P><B>How can it be my choice when he left?</B><BR>Plan B is no communication. Doesn’t matter where he is. If he does not communicate with you, his choice.<P><B>What would a plan B letter accomplish in a situation like this?</B><BR>It would let him know you still want the marriage and still love him, but you cannot stand the pain he is causing you & you are constantly lovebusting.<P><B>There never was a plan A. He wasn't willing to plan A.</B><BR>He doesn’t have to be willing. It is something which you do. No angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements.<BR>Basically, you do not show him any anger under any circumstances.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks Chris,<BR>Your last post helped. It makes a little more sense now. I'll reconsider plan A and then perhaps plan B. I think that my feelings that this was done to me come from some of the problems we have in our marriage. I know now that I spent alot of time in his shadow not as his equal.

Chris, I'm sorry to jump into this thread with questions of my own, but my situation is very similar to girlscout's:<P><B>Plan B is no communication. Doesn’t matter where he is. If he does not communicate with you, his choice.</B><BR>Yes, this is my situation, also. My H left, so NO CONTACT whatsoever. He wants it that way. I now know about "Plan A/Plan B" BUT how do I let him know, I am "Plan B'ing" HIM when he initiated the "no contact" by leaving? Packed up and moved in w/OW??<P><BR><B>What would a plan B letter accomplish in a situation like this? It would let him know you still want the marriage and still love him, but you cannot stand the pain he is causing you & you are constantly lovebusting.</B><BR>I'm still confused about a Plan B letter? My H will NOT accept communication from me. Do I just wait it out? I have NOT attempted to contact him since I found this website just a few days after he left, so have not had much chance to LB, OR Plan A. In my situation, what WOULD a Plan B letter accomplish? Also, he does not know I KNOW about OW. Is there a way and a reason I should let him know I know? I have "let it be known" through family members, so they could have told him I know about her, but I never told him directly, since he WILL NOT talk to me, or even answer my cell calls to him (about bills, etc.). Yes, very cowardly.<P>Chris, I'm sorry to bombard you with so many questions, but you seem to have a very good handle on all this stuff, and I'm still confused as to whether there is ANYthing that I can do at this point. I am willing to wait it out, but will his lack of knowledge that I am aware of his A with OW make the time they stay together longer? I don't want that!<P>Thanks for understanding that I'm in a sort of "fog" too! BTW - all this happened 1 month ago. Oh, and also BTW, divorce papers were in the mailbox same day he left, and wrote a note and left it on the TV! YUP, a real man......<P>Lupo<P><BR>

Girlscout,<P>Read everything you can on this site. Lots of very good info. And post any questions you have.<P>Lupo,<BR><B>I'm still confused about a Plan B letter? My H will NOT accept communication from me. Do I just wait it out? I have NOT attempted to contact him since I found this website just a few days after he left, so have not had much chance to LB, OR Plan A. In my situation, what WOULD a Plan B letter accomplish?</B><P>Plan B is assuming you have some contact.<BR>My wife left over two years ago & I haven’t seen her since. Haven’t spoken to her since Feb. I have mailed her cards & short letters since she left, but January was the last.<P>If I were to send a Plan B letter, I’d look pretty sad. So I just wait until I decide to file.<P><B>all this happened 1 month ago.</B><BR>One month is not enough time for you or him to understand much of anything. Wait, read everything here & practice it.<P><B>BTW, divorce papers were in the mailbox same day he left,</B><BR>Did he actually file or just fill out the forms?<BR>I believe they have to be served by a process server, you sign a waiver of service or advertised in the local paper. Any other way & you can just deny you received them. <B>I’m not a lawyer so ask if you’re not sure!</B><BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<B>Plan B is assuming you have some contact.<BR>My wife left over two years ago & I haven’t seen her since. Haven’t spoken to her since Feb. I have mailed her cards & short letters since she left, but January was the last.<BR>If I were to send a Plan B letter, I’d look pretty sad. So I just wait until I decide to file.[B]<BR>Gosh, 2 years! I'm so sorry. HOW do you manage to keep going? I'm going crazy after only 1 month...I pray, and keep going, but I keep hoping that "any day now" he'll come to his senses. What is in your cards and letters? Plan A stuff? Or "just business"? Not trying to pry here,just understand how to Plan A or Plan B with NO CONTACT. <BR>NO WONDER you have such a good handle on this, you're living it every day.<P>[B]One month is not enough time for you or him to understand much of anything. Wait, read everything here & practice it.[b]<BR>I am, I am. I know 1 month is not long. I just want to wake up and have this nightmare go away. I know, everyone says that! It's sooo true, though. It's as though you'll never have a "normal" life again after something like this.<P>Chris, thank you again for answering all my questions. You do have tremendous insight. I know it has come at a dear price to you. But it will pay off in the end. You do not deserve to be treated in this manner for this long. I'm so sorry. If I could, I'd find your wife and SLAP SOME SENSE into her silly head!! (just joking)<P></B>Did he actually file or just fill out the forms?<BR>I believe they have to be served by a process server, you sign a waiver of service or advertised in the local paper. Any other way & you can just deny you received them. [b]<BR>They were settlement agreement forms. I DID contact a lawyer, and she assured me they were NOT the real deal. I think my H thought I would sign and it would be over from then. I DID talk to him once, and he was "surprised" that I even cared he left! That told me a lot about how much i had been neglecting him. He said he "had a lot of things to think about now..." whatever that means, but that was just a few days after he left, so I guess he's not through thinking yet! From what attorney told me, they cannot put my name in paper if they know where I am, must serve me with Process Server, so I just sit here day after day waiting for that to happen, although I'm praying it won't come to that. With every day he's gone, I pray the "fog" is lifting a little bit more, and he'll at least CALL me so we can talk.<P>Again, thanks for all the answers. Not much new, but confirmation of what I was thinking. Nothing much to do on my end, just wait it out......a long lonely journey.<P>Lupo<BR>