Should I ever mention the the OM during Plan A?<BR>I know it would be LB all over the place, but how do I ask for the no contact? D-day was in April rite after my birthday (great gift) and she had move to live with her parents since.<BR>Suggestions and comments are much need!!!

My thoughts based on my mentioning the OP to my WH way too much---avoid it as much as possible, bite your tongue, don't make sarcastic remarks, don't judge, just avoid it whenever you can. However, you do have a right to tell her that "no contact" is necessary before you can give yourself freely to rebuilding the M. You can do that in a loving way, that would be best. She does need to know your pain, but when a WS is in the fog, too many reminders of the pain he/she caused just makes the WS very uncomfortable and likely to pull away more.<P>Follow the SAA and MB principles as best as you can, they are on target in so many cases...all best wishes, octavia99

I had the same problem, I think the only "legal" non-LBing question we as the BS are allowed to ask is that there is the no contact. It's the ever important foundation of recovery and Plan A. It's difficult to work it in, I just played it by ear and tried to really space them out, like every other week. <P>The need to ask does dwindle as the relationship heals and becomes more fulfulling.<P><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

Thank You for the prompt responds, you guys are the greatest.<P>I forgot to mention that she HAS NOT agree with the no-contact, and I KNOW for fact that she still has contact. Do I not bring it up at all?<BR>I did mention it a few times b4, but as you all figured....LB....LB....more LB....<BR>Does that mean she is still not willing to work on the relationship?

Humper,<P>Don't bring him up at all. If she does discuss it only if you can do so with out LB'ing. When my WS brings him up I quickly change teh subject or simply say I'd rather not discuss that now.<P>JK

Dear Humper, I made a lot of mistakes in responding to my H's A, esp. pre-MB, so I hope at least I can help other BS's avoid the pitfalls.<P>The continued contact doesn't necessarily mean she will never be willing to work on the M, it just means she either isn't ready now, or perhaps she is thinking things through, weighing things--I know, that STINKS, comparing your love for her to OM's "love"...but that's what they do and that's why Plan A is so important.<P>My H was reaching out to me...but at the same time "trying" to break it off with OW. Every time I found out he was still carrying on with her in some form, I crashed...and of course LB'd. Had I read SAA or seen this site back then, I would've known the waffling is normal, and that when a WS says he still loves the BS...and yet also "loves" the OP...that's normal too.<P>Two months is, in most cases, not a very long time into the whole situation, so I would suggest being patient and Plan A-ing for a while, modifying your behaviour based on the responses you do or don't get from your WS.<P>Good luck and stay strong--you're in for a heck of a ride, but things can and do turn out well for many people. Yours, octavia99

Octavia99, thank you for the support.<BR>I have learn to "play it cool", and yes, I understand that 2 months is still short<BR>Actually things look good as long as nothing related to the A is mention<BR>thanx again everyone

Thank you for your support Octavia99.<BR>I have learned to "play it cool"<BR>yes I understand that 2 months is short<BR>actually things looks ok if nothing related to the A is mention<BR>thanx again everyone

Humper:<P>There IS NO PLAN A without re-assurance of no-contact! You cannot make this decision before you know this. ( or ask the question, and decide if you accept the answer )<BR>If you re-read the MB material, you will see what I say is true. Don't compromise. It doesn't work. It certainly is NOT what the MB material by Dr Harley recommends.<P>Too many people have made the mistake of Plan A'ing no matter WHAT. ( me included ). This might cost you your marriage. Plan A only if all criteria are met, otherwise, Plan B.<P>My 2 cents<BR>muzohead

muzohead,<P>Please read the principles on this site.<P><B>There IS NO PLAN A without re-assurance of no-contact! You cannot make this decision before you know this. ( or ask the question, and decide if you accept the answer )</B><BR>This is entirely incorrect. You do Plan A as long as possible without ANY cooperation or assurances from your spouse.<P><B>If you re-read the MB material, you will see what I say is true. Don't compromise. It doesn't work. It certainly is NOT what the MB material by Dr Harley recommends.</B><P>This is EXACTLY what Harley says to do.<P><B>Too many people have made the mistake of Plan A'ing no matter WHAT. ( me included ). This might cost you your marriage. Plan A only if all criteria are met, otherwise, Plan B.</B><P>This is NOT promoted nor suggested ANYWHERE on this site. You do Plan A to the best of your ability as long as you can (6 months if possible) BEFORE you go to Plan B. You are much more likely to end your marriage if you proceed to Plan B WITHOUT doing Plan A.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited July 03, 2001).]

Dear Humper, Okay, well now you have two opposing points of view, both from BS's who did, apparently, the opposite things and neither of whom got the results they had hoped for. Perusing the MB material as well as the actual postings here, it is clear to see that each person must tailor the plans to his/her own particular case. Muzohead suggests "no compromising", and Plan A only if WS gives reassurance of "no contact." If a WS is ready to give that reassurance, and ready to go along with an uncompromising BS, fabulous. But the reality is, that point is seldom reached right off the bat.<P>Of course a BS can't Plan A "no matter what"--if you look in SAA, the Harleys indicate that the BS must decide for himself/herself when he/she has reached the point where continuing Plan A would reduce the units in his/her lovebank past the point of no return; then Plan B comes in as a love-, sanity- and dignity-saving measure. So please decide for yourself, humper. I only want to suggest that patience does not mean being a doormat. You can be consistent in your statements of what you require in order to continue to commit yourself to the M rebuilding...but that doesn't preclude Plan A, which, as everyone says here, is about you yourself, acting in a manner of which you can be proud and with which you feel comfortable, about getting your own life and priorities in order.<P>Gotta run, I think you're doing well, octavia99

Just to make a clarification...<P><B>I only want to suggest that patience does not mean being a doormat.</B><BR>According to Dr. Willard, Steve & Jennifer Harley it does. It is the amount of time you are able/willing to deal with it before you start lovebusting and losing the love before you go to Plan B.<P><B>it is clear to see that each person must tailor the plans to his/her own particular case.</B><BR>Actually, they all suggest you stick to Plan A/B as much as possible WITHOUT altering it.<BR>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited July 03, 2001).]

Thanks all the suggestion.<BR>I still can not establish re-assurance of no-contact.<BR>However, I decided to stick with plan A.<P>Actually WS brought the issue up last weekend, telling me that she has not met OM for the past 2 weeks, but admitted that they still exchange voice-mail. What should I say at this point? <P>As it is all too common on MB, the WS wants to remain friends with OM. How can I show her the consequence and convince her otherwise without LB? The best I can think of is showing her all the MB material and going to counseling, which does not seems to have the desired result.<P>What's encourage is she told me that she has decided to work on the relationship, and had invited me to join most of her actitives. <P>Thanks again for all the input and support

<B>How can I show her the consequence and convince her otherwise without LB? </B><BR>At this point, you’re not gonna convince her.<P>Just tell her, “I am extremely hurt EVERY TIME you have any contact with him. It cuts me to the core. It is not acceptable to me.”<P>State it in a kind way that it is about you & your feelings.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>