See my post lost love. Wfie is dening affair with OM. She says Im crazy and its all in my head. I tapped phone and have info to the contrary. I have discussions where she talks about doing it with OM and how much she loves him. etc She says Im out of my mind and shes not F*****G anyone else. My question, should I confront her with tapes???

Austin, this is exactly how my H found about my A. He suspected for a time and questioned me - of course I denied everything.<P>Finally, he tapped the phone and confronted me with the tape - which he played for me. The shock value of hearing myself on that tape was enough to snap me out of it and realize what a horrible thing I'd done.<P>I'm fairly certain that confronting your W with the tapes will get an admission from her. Good luck!

<B>My question, should I confront her with tapes???</B><BR>Wanna go to jail? Taping conversations you are not part of is illegal in all states.<P>Also, if you tell her about it, she will simply find other ways & be more secretive.<P>You can tell her you know she is having an affair. She will deny it, but just leave it there. Don’t try to sway her to confessing. You could play her the tapes & she would STILL deny it saying something like, “I knew you were taping & I was teaching you a lesson.”<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Austin,<P>I did the same thing, but didn't tell my W. She found out about the recorder through reading some of my emails. She found out on a Friday and I knew it. She didn't confront me on it until the following Monday, saying exactly what Chris(CA123) said, "I knew you were taping me and I was just setting you up". She needed the 3 days to come up with a story. It's ridiculous. If I thought I was being taped, a) I would search the house for a recorder or b) I wouldn't say anything to incriminate myself.<P>I agree with Chris, just tell her you know about the A and don't discuss it again unless she brings it up AND is willing to discuss it openly & honestly. Don't get caught up in her game playing. <P>My W still hasn't admitted it and I don't suspect she will for a long time. I believe once a WS admits the affair, they have to deal with all the guilt and pain that go along with it, which they don't want to. Also, I think they're affraid the focus will be on the affair and not the problems in the marriage that lead to it.<P>As difficult as this is, try to remember the A is a result of problems in your marriage, not the cause of them.<P>I'm no expert, just another BS.<P>sad dad<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited July 02, 2001).]

I realize the A is a result of a problem in the marriage. I just dont know what. Ive tried to be a better person to no avail. I confronted her with the tapes this weekend.She didnt deny it. She was pretty freaked out to know I had proof. Whats wierd is I still love her but I listened to the tapes to know she doesnt love me. I am filing the divorce papers today. Do I want a divorce not really. Do I want to be in a loveless marriage no way. Its kinda my only option. She is now having a hard time dealing with reality. Its kinda nice to see her hurt some. Could I forgive her and work things out? Probably but she would need to put forth some sort of effort which she doesnt seem to want to do. I will try this plan A stuff for a while and see what happens while the divorce is pending. However, I dont have the patience that some of you have. I have put up with her crap for 4 months and Im an emotional and psychlogical wreck. I need to move forward with my life, with or without her

Austin,<P>I won't attempt to try to tell you what to do, however I do suggest that you slow down. Give your W some time for the reality of what she's done to sink in. The "fantasy" bubble has just been burst. Divorce is not a decision you want to make when your emotions are running rampant. <P>Believe me, I understand what you're feeling. I listened to 3 weeks worth of tapes and it hurt like hell. I heard my W say some of the cruelest things about me. I also heard her talking to and about OM. The excitement in her voice tore my heart out. It does get easier. <P>Just try to be patient and give it some time. Whatever decision you make, please be sure you make it with a clear mind. You don't want to regret your decision a year from now.<P>sad dad<P>

Austin,<P><B>Do I want a divorce not really.</B><BR>Then why in the world are you filing? If you are trying to get her to make a decision, it’ll backfire.<P><B>Its kinda my only option.</B><BR>Why is it you ONLY option?<P><B>I will try this plan A stuff for a while and see what happens while the divorce is pending.</B><BR>Divorce is not part of Plan A. Filing for divorce sends a crystal clear message that you do NOT want recomciliation. Period.<P>You should read Surviving An Affair and all the principles on this web site. I recommend you set up a counseling session with Steve or Jennifer Harley (1-888-639-1639) immediately BEFORE you file. What’s it gonna hurt to wait a few more days, especially considering you don’t want to divorce her.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Oops! Double post<p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited July 02, 2001).]

Austin,<P>You may want to post on "general questions II" or "just found out". Seems to be more action there.<P>sad dad