...<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited July 18, 2001).]

Octavia,<P>Sorry to take so long to answer your questions. I've been out of commission with some surgery. Things are fine now. <P>Let me address a bit of your first concern. Your H's critizism of other researchers. Is this the same man who really worries that you are better at field work than he? Is this the same man who's interests are relatively narrow?<P>I think so. I realize that as a scientist it is my job to find out what is WRONG with things so it is easy to look for failures. That is what we are trained for. However, when you mentioned his view of the other Profs. I am reminded of Henry Kissinger's response to the question as to why there were these legendary fights at Harvard. His answer: "Because they are fighting over so little."<P>I think this applies here. When someone isn't particularly good at something or is insecure about their capability they often turn to criticizing there colleagues. The more appropriate behavior is to recognize the value of their work, and build on it. You do recall my three rules for life:<P>1. Life is a team sport.<P>2. There are NO experts in unsolved problems.<P>3. Credit is not a conserved quantity.<P>I believe you would do well to remember these things. The very best scientists I have ever met, and I am talking about ones you see in the text books, were more often than not very generous people, and had the annoying ability to make complex problems seem so simple. <P><BR>Now, I see a problem with you that is often found in women and to some extent men. You are judging your work by what your H thinks. This is not only a bad idea, it is stupid. First, the only other person you need to impress is your advisor. That means just you and the advisor needs to be pleased with your work. <P>Next, you need to realize that your Dis. is simply the opening salvo in your career. You should and will do much better work as your career advances. The Dis. is simply the stepping stone to your career. It should be good, but don't obsess about it. Get it done, get the PhD. and then start your career. You need the doors opened that a Ph.D. gives you.<P>So keep your eyes on the goal here, getting the degree. Finally, you will never be much of a researcher if you worry too much about what other people think. All new ideas are by definition: stupid. If they weren't I and others would have thought of them. You must pick your research to suit you. You must do it to suit you, no one else. You should get joy from this or it isn't worth doing. Notice, I didn't say you needed approval from other people. It will come if you are an honest researcher, if you are a good person, and you will be able to look back and know you did the research they way you felt it should be done.<P>My advice, quit the idol worship of your H. I can assure he isn't the brightest guy on the planet. Focus on what you must do. Finish the dissertation, do it your way, and make sure your advisor approves it. <P>Octavia, you cannot tell what the future will bring. But you can up the odds that it will be good by doing your best and keeping your focus.<P>I must go lie down, but do think abit about all of this. You are losing your focus and you need to keep it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dear JL, Sorry to hear you had to have surgery! I hope you are on the mend and feeling better now. Extra thank-yous for your taking the trouble to respond to me when under the weather! I only just now was able to see your response to my questions..we packed up everything for the season and I can no longer access the internet with my own computer. I panicked when the first computer I tried at an internet place in the capital wouldn't read the MB site...I saw my question and your response, but just in random characters! Thank goodness the browser here can read the code..<P>I have only a short time to write, but I do want to express my gratitude again. Your insights are very helpful in reminding me of what is important in the overall scheme of things. Just as you observed about the best scientists, so too nearly all of the scholars whose work I respect most in our field are very open to the ideas of others and generous with sharing information. I hope to model myself on that ideal...but obviously, my desire to be free with expressing my thoughts and ideas has been severely curtailed by the H/OW nexus. I know I have to get over that and will work on addressing this issue!<P>I appreciate what you said about not worrying too much about what other people think and not judging my work by what my H thinks. I know this to be a sound policy--in fact, I used to be much more relaxed in this respect. The years listening to H's criticism have really affected me and inhibited me quite a bit. That's one reason I'm protective of my field notes...when I'm out carrying out the work, I get very involved and excited and I brainstorm a lot and jot down possible interpretations and ideas, and very often, this will lead to interesting and valid results. But I shudder to think of someone else (H in particular) reading my "raw" ideas and "judging" them. So my paranoia about H having access to this is partly because of fear of looking stupid to him, but also the opposite--that if some insight I have IS valid and worthwhile, it will get incorporated into his own work without credit to me. I know I have to rid myself of undue concern for both of these contradictory fears, and just worry about publishing ideas that can be supported.<P>When we first started this project, we sought and received a lot of advice from scholars with experience in the various aspects of the work, and I've learned a lot from that, and from actually carrying out the fieldwork. I used to feel more timid about whether we were capable of handling all the different types of work required in the project, as many "subspecialties" and material of many periods are involved. I do have a lot more confidence now, having successfully faced many challenges, some of them unique to our specific type of fieldwork. So in that sense, I guess I am less concerned about how outsiders might judge my work, because I know I've done the best I could and made choices in the interest of recording as much data as possible in as accurate and complete a manner as possible...obviously, there are different approaches (practical and theoretical) and different ways of carrying out this type of research, but I'm less worried now about being "up to snuff" as the information which has come out of the work has been significant and very exciting.<P>I wholeheartedly agree with your assertion that one should feel joy in research--that is definitely why I am in the field I'm in, because I have been absolutely fascinated and in love with this subject since I was a child and derive an indescribably intense pleasure from pursuing this research. There is nothing I would rather do with my life..if I were independently wealthy, I would do what I'm doing now (just wouldn't have to worry so much about the separation settlement terms !!) Others have told me I'm fortunate to have such passion for my work, and indeed I feel blessed by this. I can't imagine life without some central, consuming interest like this.<P>You are right, I am losing my focus and letting myself get swept up by emotions, mostly fear. It is the flip side of caring so much about the work...the threat of losing it is absolutely terrifying. I suppose I can try to remember that even in the worst case scenario, e.g., H somehow keeping me out of the field...or a war preventing the continuation of the work (unfortunately, not an impossibility in this part of the world), I already have an enormous amount of data the processing, interpretation and publication of which would be sufficient to keep me busy and happy for years to come.<P>H is hovering about now, we have accounts to go over before I leave the country tomorrow. Am stopping in Europe and will try to access the site from there. Sorry to end abruptly, thank you so very much for your thoughts and support, which have kept me going through some of the most difficult periods. All the best, hope you recover speedily, octavia99

Glad to be of some help.<P>Have a good trip and enjoy it. Europe this time of year is so beautiful.<P>Keep your focus, Octavia that is all you can do.<P>God Bless,<P>JL