I need some advice, suggestions, thoughts on what I'm doing and if I'm crazy or not.<P>I'll try to make this short. To start I found out my W of 10 years has been having an A for about 1 1/2 years at this point back the last Sunday of April. Sense that time we have run this crazy rollercoaster back and fourth, up and down and we seem to be at the same point as we were to start with. I mean some things have changed but it seems like I'm spinning my wheels sometimes. First W left to be with OM for about a week, couldn't handel being away from the children (S-7,D-2) I was stupid enough to let her come home. Then about 2 weeks after that she wanted to work on marriage, OM was completly out of picture on the condition that we gave it 2 months to see where we were then continue or not. That lasted about 1 week and I got really tired of the sad faces, crying , and being told "I have never loved someone that much and will never love that way again". So then I moved out, was tired of all the lies of being told that I made her feel quilty all the time, and so on.<P> Well it's been about 3 weeks now sense I moved out and there hasn't been one day that we haven't seen or talked to each other, I know she has spent more time with me than OM even it is mostly with the kids. She seems to be more open and honest with me now. We have always been best friends and still are. She tells me things about how OM maybe transfering soon and that she isn't going to follow him. That if I were to transfer to another state east that her and the kids would follow. She tells me that she can't decide what to do that she loves both of us, that she can't imagine not having me in her life, that she can't understand why she has someone who wants her and can forgive her but she can't return the feelings, she knows it wrong, she has involved the kids from atleast a year ago and knows that was wrong, she calls me when she has nightmares not tha OM, hasn't let me move everything out, want even agree to change of address, says it's easier this way, she says and does hunders of other small things that still lead me to beleave that she still loves me.<P>I've tried to make sense of things but I can't. I'm still tring to hold on to my family, to her. I try to show her how much I care and am there for her. I don't know am I doing the right things? What should I be doing? When do I let it go or should I already? Hundreds of questions and no answers.<P>This all brings us to last night. We have been under a great finacial burden because of supporting two homes on my income. Where we live she is having a hard time finding a job and she doen't want to. doesn't want to be away from the kids, the reason she quit her job a year ago. Well we discused me moving back, I have refused to this point because I don't know if that would be right, I know I would love to go home but what does that do to the kids when she decides that she doesn't want me there anymore. We also discused the possibility of her moving in with OM or OM moving in with her. She said he had offered for her and kids to move in with him and she has told him no. So last night she went to see OM and to talk about one of the above and she couldn't do it. She said she got sick to her stomach, a lump in her throat and sweety palm. She said she wasn't afraid he would say no, although that had crossed her mind, but that he would say yes. She says she was afraid of lossing a big part of her (me) if that happend. So what does all that mean? Where do I go from here? The thought of her and the kids living with OM kill me and the thought of lossing my family forever just can't be right.<P>Well there is so much more to the story but I've said enough any help would be greatly appriciated. I really need some elses point of view.<P>Thanks

silwl,<P>In my humble opinion, your wife still loves you. She is just in the fog of her A. If I were you, I would move back home and start plan A'ing my butt off. If you are there for her and filling all of her emotional needs then why will she still need this OM? Read as much material on this website as you can. It is very helpful and will explain a lot of what is going on with the two of you right now. she doesn't really want to lose you and move in with the OM. You definitely don't want to lose her and YOUR kids to the OM either. Go to her, show her compassion, wipe her brow when she is in withdrawal from the OM. She will be so completely in aw of your love and compassion that she will fall deeper in love with you again. But, remember that she will go through withdrawals from the OM. Things will tend to get worse before they get better. Try to fill all of her EN's and do not LoveBust. It will be hard but you can do it! Remember what you have at stake here? YOUR family. Keep your head up and have faith!<P>NM

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by silwl:<BR><B>I need some advice, suggestions, thoughts on what I'm doing and if I'm crazy or not.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First things first. Move your butt back home.<BR>Pronto. Today. This afternoon. NOW. This<BR>was a major major mistake on your part.<P>Bama<P>

Thank you NM and Bama, I was truely considering moving back home, I just had family on both sides telling me that it was over and that I should move on. That if things were to work out later then great but to move on for now. I was advised that I was just being a door mate to go home and allow all this to go on. I just felt that dept inside it was the right thing to do, to go home and love and take care of my W and kids. I truely appriciate an outside opion that has no investment in the out come or is clouded by the events. I am so greatful that I was able to locate this website where people are going through the same thing and can offer sound advise. To know that I am not alone and that I can because others have get my family back.<P>Thanks ever so much,

silwl,<P>In my experience, close family members can offer the worst advice. Usually none of them have gone through what you are going through. All they know is that you are hurting and they don't like to see you hurt. So, they tell you what they think will make you better. <P>Only you know what you want to do and what is best for you. Listen to your heart. If your wife and kids are what you want. Then go home and give it the fight of your life. It is worth fighting for. Let her know how much you love her and the kids. Forgive her and help her to forgive herself. This has been one of my weaknesses. Good luck to you and God Bless.<P>NM

silwl,<P>Ok here is the deal. You have been given good advice. MOVE HOME NOW! Your marriage can be saved and it can be made better than it has ever been. It will take work, pain, and sacrifice but it can be done.<P>From the sounds of it your W does love you. She knows what she did is wrong, and she is going through withdrawal to a degree. She needs to stop contacting OM. It will be hard for her but it can be and must be done.<P>Now, get yourself down to a bookstore and buy Surviving an Affair by Harley. You will see and so will your W if she will read it all of the steps you are going through. You will see what each of you needs to do, and you will learn this is not unique and the marriage can be recovered. This stuff does work.<P>Next, buy and read His Needs Her Needs by Harley. It is clear the marriage was not in good shape before the affair or the affair would not have happened. You need to do your part to make the marriage better. I know this sounds backward, that the betrayed spouse needs to do most of the initial work, but that is how things really work. That is also why the advice from family is often detrimental to the recovery because it is hard to imagine the person hurt the most must suck it up the most and make things work.<P>But first and foremost talk with your W about moving home, NOW. Then talk with her about having no contact with the OM, this is essential to recover the marriage, but it takes months for her to go through the withdrawal and it is tough on both of you.<P>The way Harley describes it and I think from what I have read here it is a very apt description. You need to treat this like it was an addiction, as if she is an alcoholic or something. Each new contact brings her back to zero. She will fail a few times, but hang in there and become the friend she needs to break this addiction.<P>So you've got your marching orders. Go HOME.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

First off thank you all for your advise and for your support.<P>A few hours ago I did call W and asked her about coming home her first response was "that would solve some of the finacial problems". She made sure to make the point that it was not me comming home and that she was ready or willing to work on anything and that it wasn't going to everything is alright now. I exspected that, even exspected alittle more. She said that I was probable only going to be there for a few months anyway. Let me explain this. I have been sending out all kinds of resumes for positions up and down the east coast. She exspects that it shouldn't take to long before I can find a new job and move to the other side of the country. I ask what did she exspect would happed then and she stated that depending on where that she and the kids would follow. Does that make sense?<P>I was also informed that she had indeed spoken to OM about the living situation and that he had said yes but that he was not willing to live in our house and she's not willing to live in his small place but that he was willing to find a place for them large enough. So I asked what the problem was and she say that she doesn't think he(OM) is ready for that and in any case she doesn't want to, she doesn't think it's right. She gave no other explination than that. So what's that mean?<P>She said the kids were driving her nuts and that she couldn't talk any more or wanted to talk any more right now. I let it go and agreed now was not the time. She said that we could get together later tonight and discuss the situation. Sleeping arangements, my furniture, ground rule, etc. <P>So what do you guys think, seems and feels like a small step in the right direction. Any ideas on what kind of ground rules with out making any demands on her or myself. How do I go about her see the OM because I know she has no intention at this point of calling for an end to it as of yet. Atleast OM will be out of town for the next 10 days as of Thursday.<P>Thanks again for all your help,<BR>Silwl

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by silwl:<BR><B>Atleast OM will be out of town for the next 10 days as of Thursday.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds like it's time to GET HOME AND GET TO WORK.<BR>Get moving! Quit waffling! You've got 10 days to<BR>reestablish yourself.<P>I wouldn't mention NO CONTACT for a few days. Establish<BR>first that you can forgive her, that you're the far better <BR>option, it'll make it easier for her.<P>Bama<P>

Those in the fog make all kinds of plans. You can make your plan a reality. Ws/OP combinations talk a lot. OM wants to find a place big enough????? Let him. <P>You go home take care of your family as you know you should. This is not a complaint. You feel love for your wife and children. Be there with them. If she does not feel that way for you then let her move out. More than likely, her move with OM will not materialize. Your W is making a lot of non-comitted claims partially fused by OM's promises and her fogheadedness. Her responsibility and feelings towards you are also clouding her judgement. Like being pulled in 2 different directions. She knows better but can't see straight. Even the WS feels that way sometimes. <P>I told my H I was confused about him. While deep in the fog, that thought did not settle well with him. Made him uneasy and also made him think. Oh you mean you might not always be there for me to come back when I feel like it? Though it was never said this way, this is how he felt. Told me so afterwards and I knew it by his actions. <P>So confusion on the WS part is a hopeful sign. You just need to focus on that as a positive step for now. More positive steps may follow later. Don't be upset for setbacks. Let the OM make a fool of himself. Let him promise her the moon and then let her find out it was rotten or even better that there is no life on the moon!!!<P>You provide the life and love you can for you and your family. Let her see if OM can measure up to that. Be there for your children. Your relatives will appreciate that. Even if your relatives think you are looney, ask them to respect your decision. If they love you they will, if they don't let that go for now. People do change their minds. God does not. Work with what you know. Just the facts, no more no less. <P>Soon your confusion will give way to love. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

O.K. guys I got thrown for a real loop tonight. I sat down with W to talk about what was going to need to be done about me moving back home. There was a subben change of heart in away. As we discussed the pros and cons she stated that she felt that it wouldn't be fair to the kids. That if I were to return what would that do to them, mom left and came back, now dad left and came back, so what happens to them when one of us leaves for good. Well I didn't have any answers. Then she added what happens we she says she needs to leave for a while(to see OM) and returns home, is that fair to me, could she handle the look on my face, will I get angry, will we fight, what does that do to the kids. I didn't have any answers again, I know I wouldn't intentionaly fight about it but I know in the past she has felt guilty and basically pushed for a fight because she couldn't handle the way I felt or the look on my face. Well it ended up with for now me not returning home just for finacial reasons but that doesn't rule out the future and that she really does want me there. <P>Then some how we ended up talking about where we saw this going and now she sees it as taking baby steps to us seperating our lives, making a smooth transition. That this was just apart of accepting the end and comming to terms with it. Then she says but you are my best friend and I can't reconcile the thought of lossing that in my life. That she does love OM and that she sees no future for us. Dose that or doesn't that contradict what she said earlier. Well as we continued to talk she said that she can't reconcile the conflict with in her that her heart tells her and that she knows she loves OM but that her head tells her how could she give up what she has and that what she has is more than any one has a right to and that she could never forgive herself if she gave that up. All of this has totally thrown me and got me spining around at this point. She added that she wasn't sure what she was to do or what was the right thing to do, was she to stay married and do what her head says and live with out her heart or was she to do the opposite. Does she stay with what is safe, secure, careing, accepting no matter what, where someone knew her better than no one else and with her best friend or does she go into uncertainty, something she doesn't know will work and where she has none of the above. See my confusion.<P>Well if that wasn't enough for one night she then hits me with what is I think her version of plan B. She said that she thought we hadn't spent enough time apart and that maybe it would give us some clarity. We haven't been apart for more than a day and even then we have atleast talked on the phone. She even state that sense I left she has seen more of me than she has of OM, and not by my design alone but by her doing as well. She proposed that we not have any contact with each other for the rest of the week and that we talk on Sunday night and see where we are then. I agreed and told her that I loved her and that if this was what she needed right now I would respect that. Her eyes began to tear up and I gave my kids hugs and kisses then we hugged each other, as I left she asked me not to cry because she couldn't handle that. I didn't until later and left.<P>So what do you guys think, was this a right move, I wish I had posted before I moved out. Does this signal the end and that I have lost her forever? Maybe you all can share what you see going on. I fear I have lost her but I still keep hope alive and I'm not ready to give up on things yet. I still love her and want my family back.<P><BR>Thanks,<BR>silwl

Fog, fog, fog! She is definitely in the fog. It sounds to me that she still loves you and wants the family life that goes with you, but she is still being pulled to him by her "addiction" for him.<P>Go now and get Surviving an Affair. It will explain everything that you are going through right now.<P>Does she know that YOU want to save your marriage? How does she feel about that? Maybe the two of you should go somewhere alone and talk about things. Let her know that you love her and want to work things out. That you are willing to make changes in yourself and your marriage. <P>How about seeing a marriage counselor? Is she willing to do that? Don't just go along with everything that she wants right now. Make sure she knows what you want too. I mean absolutely do not make demands but voice your opinion in a way that doesn't cause LoveBusters.<P>How about putting a time limit on things? Say, you move home and try to make things better. Give yourselves 6 months. If at the end of this time both of you don't feel better about your marriage, then you re-evaluate. If for no other reason see if she will try to preserve your marriage for the kids. Then build on that. <P>She is very confused. She is being pulled in two directions. She is in love with OM and you at the same time. She has to make a choice sooner or later. Marriages built on affairs don't usually last. When real life sets in it becomes humdrum. No more fairy tale romance. Chances are they haven't had to deal with any real life issues yet. No sick kids, no car problems, no financial problems.....just them. See how good that looks? Fog, fog, fog! <P>Be patient. This is a huge roller coaster ride. It will be a long drawn out process. You may need to go to your Dr. and see about anti-depressants. Quite a few people on this board are on them. If you feel yourself slipping down that road, please seek help. You will be of no help to yourself or to your W if you are depressed out of your head. I will say a prayer for you. Take care and I wish you the very best.<P>NM<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NewMe2001 (edited July 18, 2001).]