K,<BR>I just wanted to say that your post to mikenu aboout Plan A failing has put my mind at ease and convinced me I'm doing the right thing.<P>D-Day was 2 months ago and my H moved out 2 weeks after that to 'think'. I know he did not move out to be with OW because he is staying with his mom and the OW has been out of town this whole time. His mom said he could only stay there 2 months and his time is almost up. He told me he will be home Aug 6 even though he is not sure what he wants to do. He has hinted that he might be leaning towards divorce, but some of his actions show he's not ready for that. I have wondered if this is when I need to go into Plan B and tell him I don't want him here unless he is totally committed to us. But I also know that the OW will be coming home that same week, and I feel that if I tell him he can't come home he will just run to her. I feel like this is going to be an important time and I'd rather him be here, even if it is so I can keep an eye on him. I know I can't keep him from her, but I don't want to make it easy for him either.<P>I honestly don't know if he will appreciate what he has here at home without going out and being alone first. But I want him to come home for awhile first and get past the OW coming home. Maybe go into Plan B a month later if I don't see any progress. I know I'm dreaming but they say that affairs sometimes fizzle out after discovery. I was also hoping that the 2 months apart could have put him in some sort of withdrawal and maybe pull him away from her. Perhaps this is already happening because he told me that if things don't work out for him and me that he doesn't want to jump into another relationship. HELLLLOOOOO!!! I told him, "Too late, you're already in another relationship." I think he has read enough about affairs and second marriages to realize that things between them probably wouldn't work out. But he still isn't sure he wants to come back to us, because he has been so unhappy for so long.<P>K, how long were you in Plan B before your W wanted to work things out? Anymore infotmation on your situation would be greatly appreciated!!!<P>Thanks, Heck<P>

heckofagal:<P>Plan B isn't for punishment, to make the WS "see what they're missing", or as a reaction to something the WS did. It's carefully crafted to be executed on YOUR schedule, when you feel that you're at a point where Plan A is no longer sustainable. In other words, the affair is draining all your love for your spouse---and you're either going to kill them or divorce them. Plan B should be a couple weeks before that.<P>I like your plan of letting your husband back, and trying at least another two months of Plan A. You really haven't had to deal with the "daily" reminders of the affair, because he's been gone pretty much since D-day. You should be more stable now---get on antidepressants if you're not. Analyze the reasons that your husband has been "unhappy", and start to work hard on these after he moves back---mainly on eliminating lovebusters (which WS's don't mind---they may not be ready to let you meet needs, but they're happy not to be hurt).<P>Work on Plan A for as long as you can. Take it in month increments, but try to stick with it for at least three months after he's back.<P>I was in Plan B about two months before returning back home. My situation was 'different' in that my wife didn't "want" me to return---she had become pregnant by the OM, and was completely falling apart (we had two other children at the time). I came back voluntarily in a Plan A mode knowing that a decision was going to be made by her soon---she would either end the affair, or decide to leave the marriage and go to the OM. I figured I had a good shot, and sure enough, the affair ended pretty predictably (and ugly as well---the OM knew about the pregnancy and threatened to pursue physical custody of the child if my wife didn't move up with him).<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000143.html" TARGET=_blank>K's story</A> is covered in an old post over on Why Women Leave Men.

K,<P>Thanks so much! Your story is inspiring, and it came at just the right time for me. I wish my H had a fraction of the dedication that you have for your family. Maybe someday!!! It will be hard to work on what has made my H "unhappy" because I'm not sure he really knows what that is himself. I feel he has problems with depression but the the counselor assured him he is not depressed . Maybe this counselor can tell him why he is so unhappy then. I think I have been successful in meeting some of his needs though! I know SF was one of his needs not being met and we have been definitely fixed this problem. I also feel like I've been fulfilling the domestic support and family needs.<P>I still think he might have to leave for awhile to really appreciate what he has here. But I know I've still got to work on Plan A, especially during the difficult time when the OW comes home.<P>Thanks for sharing your story with me!<BR>Heck