I am transitioning from Plan A to Plan B. Here is my letter to my husband of 8 years. We have a 1 year old son and I am 13 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. He told me in April that he was unhappy in our marriage and interested in a woman at work. I proceeded to buy His Needs/Her Needs and Lovebusters and start trying to work on our marriage. During this time we were supposedly working on our marriage he assured me that he was no longer seeing this other woman outside of work. Subsequently, on July 3rd I discovered him in bed with her, while I was holding my son in my arms! Since that day things have been painful but I have been doing a pretty good Plan A. He told me he went to lunch with her last week and he won't promise me that he will no longer see her, therefore it's time for Plan B. Here's the letter:<P>Dear X,<P>I am writing to you to apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Y possible. I have not treated you as the cherished person you are to me. I have been unable to show and demonstrate the loving and caring feelings I have always had for you. I have not been able to meet your emotional needs, and now we are both suffering for my mistakes.<P>I want, with all of my heart, the chance to prove to you that I can change. I believe I deserve that chance. I know our life together can be so much better than it ever was if we can have the chance to work on it and make the necessary changes. We have so much to look forward to as Jack grows up and the birth of our new baby. I hope to share all of those wonderful experiences with you. I want to work on changing and making you happy, but I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Y completely.<P>Until then, I cannot see or talk to you. A and B have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit C whenever you would like. If you want to communicate about C or anything else, it will have to be through A and B.<P>Please respect the terms of our separation. I am not doing this to punish you, only to protect myself from the unhappiness you cause me when you continue to see Y. As you know I have suffered tremendously due to your relationship with Y, and I cannot be with you knowing that you are with her. It is too painful for me. I love you very much, but cannot bear to be with you under the circumstances.<P>When you are able to end your relationship with Y, I will then be willing to discuss our future.<P>I know our marriage has the potential to be wonderful. I want it to be better than it ever was before, and I believe we can do that together. We have so much worth fighting for. I can't imaging just walking away from it all without trying to save it. I want to create a marriage that will be safe from the threat of an affair. I know that if we are able to meet each other's emotional needs that threat will be nonexistent. I love you and ask you to give our marriage a chance.<P>X, please make the choice to work on our marriage. We had such an incredible love in the beginning, and I still love you now. It is just too painful to be with you when you are still seeing Y.<P>All my love,<P>P&H

pregnant and hurting:<P>Overall, it's very good. Here are my comments:<P>Add:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have been unable to <B>consistantly</B> show and demonstrate the loving and caring feelings I have always had for you.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Second paragraph:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I want, with all of my heart, the chance to prove to you that I can change. <B>Over the last xxx months, I've been working on being more consistant (avoiding lovebusters, meeting needs???) and trying to rebuild your love for me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Delete <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I believe I deserve that chance.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Reword:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I want to <B>continue to</B> work on changing <B>and rebuilding our marriage, with a focus on our happiness together</B>, but I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Y completely.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The rest is terrific.<P>God bless.<P><p>[This message has been edited by K (edited July 23, 2001).]

Dear P&H, <P>This letter looks good. I don't have much to add, but it shows that thought and care were your primary concern. No LB here. But don't be surprised if it is not received as intended. Stick to your ground. <P><BR>K,<P>I want to commend you on your revisions. I really appreciate how you took P&H's letter and enhanced it to bring out the best qualities. Between the both of you, you are giving this letter the best chances. Of couse, a lot depends on the attitude of the recipient. <P>L.<P>

P&H<P><BR>Great letter & K gives the best advice on em. My real question lies in the time duration for your plan A. Not sure when you’re planning on giving him the letter & I understand just wanting to have it on hand. Just keep in mind that the longer you Plan A the more strength it gives you to Plan B.<BR>

Very nice letter. Take K's advice. I'll add a bit.<P>"Please respect the terms of our separation": Is this referring to a separation agreement, or this Plan B separation that you are requesting. If it is the Plan B separation, I'd suggest "Please respect my decision to separate from you in this way"<P>As for why you are doing this, you might also want to add (after saying about not punishing him) that you must do it to preserve the love you have for him. You'll see this in other letters. It is up to you.<P>It is good and gets the point across.<P>I have the same curiosity already expressed. How long have you been in Plan A, and has it been a good one? If the answers to those are suitable, then going to Plan B is good because it will be a huge dose of reality. How much have you been seeing him, and are you living together?<P>If you do end up going to Plan B, please be prepared, because it can be very difficult if he makes repeated attempts to contact you. It is harder than it seems.<P>My heart goes out to you for having to endure this emotional trauma while being pregnant and having a 1 year old to care for.<P>It is mind boggling how someone can abandon their spouse in this situation, so I hope that you get your family back.<P>Keep us posted.<P>

I guess I'm not really sure how long I've been in Plan A, because new revelations about his affair keep cropping up. I believe technically, it's only been since June 21st after my counseling session with Dr. Steve. My H told me about being interested in a woman at work back in April. At that time he said he was telling me so that we could work on our marriage and try to save it. That is when I bought His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters and began taking steps to improve my marriage. My H was not really into reading and working on things, but he swore he was no longer seeing the OW. So I continued giving him the benefit of the doubt and believing him and continuing to work on things. When I discovered him in bed with her on July 3rd, I was completely blown away. Last night in speaking with my best friend, who's husband works with my H, I've learned that his affair has probably been going on since Dec. 2000. It is very apparent to several people he works with that something is going on with OW. My H moved out this past Sunday, saying he would be staying with his father. He has not been staying there. I've attempted calling him several times yesterday and this morning and have not heard from him. I definitely feel that I need to move into Plan B because I don't have the energy for Plan A. I'm even doubting my once unwavering desire to work on this marriage.

I'd suggest you talk with Steve one more time, and present the latest round of data to him. He may very well agree with Plan B.<P>Your doubt regarding saving the marriage is very normal. I have days where I am totally uninterested, and others where I figure I still have something left. There isn't much though. It is sad, because there comes a point where there just won't be enough....but who knows what the future brings.<P>

I'm new here, and what I'm about to suggest may be entirely off limits, and if it is I apologize. If your H wasn't where he said he was, I think plan B is in order. I also would suggest that you make sure you protect yourself financially. I've heard so many horror stories from women and men about spouses taking every penny. At least run the idea of financial protection past Steve.<P>Best wishes. Maybe your husband will come to his senses.

What specifically can I do to protect myself financially? My brother-in-law said the same thing. And the OW has HUGE amounts of law school debt. I do think I need to protect myself but I'm not sure what actions I need to take?

pregnant and hurting,<P>I don't need it just yet, but do you mind if I borrow parts of your letter if it comes down to it? I'm too emotional (a big prob H has with me) to sit down and write a letter like that. I think you did a great job.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin:<BR><B>pregnant and hurting,<P>I don't need it just yet, but do you mind if I borrow parts of your letter if it comes down to it? I'm too emotional (a big prob H has with me) to sit down and write a letter like that. I think you did a great job.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, please feel free to use parts of it. I really modeled it after the one in Surviving An Affair.<P>

Maybe you could help me out. You seem so good at putting thoughts into words without LB's in them. I'm trying to figure out how or if I should write a Plan A letter? I want my H to know that I still want him. I can't deal with him being with OW though (don't know if this should be mentioned or not). I'm just so confused right now and don't know which way I should go. I feel like I'm being "sucked into his fog". I know he still has contact with her, but since she lives out of state, he hasn't seen her. If I didn't know he was still talking to her, I would things were getting better around here.

I don't think I am experienced enough to tell you whether or not to write a Plan A letter. I do know that I have not read anywhere to write one nor have I been told in my counseling w/Steve to do one. I think expressing yourself to your husband through words and actions is so important right now. Maybe you should post your Plan A letter in a new thread and ask for feedback as to the content of the letter as well as whether it should be given to your H or not. I would be happy to look at it. Good luck to you, and hang in there.