I'm currently in Plan A with my Wayward W. I TT my W today. She wants to separate. She told me that she's going to move in with OM. She agreed to pick up half of our expenses (mortgage insurance, etc.) for now. She hasn't asked for D. I'm in an angry mood for a few reasons:<BR>1. I've been asking her to change her job for over a year because she travelled too much. After all this, she just asked me to email her the file with her resume. What the heck is that?<BR>2. Am I crazy in getting completely frustrated about her thinking that living with OM will be good?<P>Need help from you guys to calm me down. She thought I was a little short with her today. She asked if I had her truck fixed and I said, "No the garage couldn't find anything wrong with it. You'll just have to wait until it really breaks." Again, I was in the room with a friend and he said I was not mean at all. I think that she was trying to get a negative reaction from me to justify her actions.<P>I guess I just need to stick to plan A. What to you think? I hit the anger state.<P>Thank you again,<BR>M.<P>

Hi M,<P>I haven't posted much on these sites, but I've been reading tehm for about 3 months now. What I have found found reding and my own experience is you need to continue your Plan A as best you can and try to let the other run it's course. You knda gotta go into the grin and bear it mode. If things go like most of them do your W will get a big dose of reality after living with the OM for a while, especially if you continue to do a good job with Plan A. One thing I found and read many time times is you can't force the WS into anything. They have to decide for themselves. Don't forget to work on your self now too. This can very helpful.<BR>

M,<P>Also go look at the posts in GQ II. There arre some there that give a pretty good insight into the WS thoughts and should help you.

Mike, I'm definitely feelin what you're feelin. Don't think about what she said about you being short with her... you're right about it... she is most likely trying to find reasons to justify her reasoning that you and she won't work. <P>But you can look at that as a good thing! It means that deep inside she really think you could work, and she is having to look for trivial things like this to prove to her conscience otherwise.<P>Just like you, I am a young engineer, and in engineering, there are things you can control, and things you can't. In design, you don't waste your time on things you cannot control, only on the parameters you can impact. With your wife, you can't change her, or control her. You've said in your other posts that this is true. But you can control yourself and Plan A as best as you can. Stick to it, and the impact on her will be visible. She is running away from her problems by moving in with the OM, but she fell in love with you once, and I believe she can do it again.<P>PS, we seem to have a few things in common, if you'd like to email, we can talk about this, or anything. I certainly could use someone to distract me at times, yet focus me at others. aragorn747@aol.com

GMAN,<P>You're a smart and strong man. I agree with you about the abilty to control certain parameters. Here's what happened with me:<P>TT W yesterday. As Steve advised, I told her that I love her and despite what has happened that I want a future with her. She agreed with me that she has a beautiful home and a strong husband to come home to.<P>However, she will not tell me what she wants. All she can say is, "I don't know." She also says that she cannot come home because of her feelings for OM. She still won't make any drastic decisions (no D, just separation). Is this because she knows how confused she is? <P>I spoke with her for about 60 minutes yesterday without one LB. She tried to accuse me of not listening to her once, but after clarification, she understood that I did listen, but I was in the middle of a sentence.<P>I then asked her if she respected my intelligence - she said "yes". Then I said, "I'm just a messenger..." and explained some of the stuff I learned from SAA, SH, and MB.com. Mainly, I explained to her that our situation is very normal and SH has helped many people to reconcile in similar and worse situations. I also explained that although her emotions may not believe it now, but she is experiencing two different types of loves - true established love that took many years to develop and grow and an infatuation that happened overnight. And if she can remove her feelings from the situation, and be just a brain thinking logically which one does she think is longer lasting. <P>Anyway, the net result was that she said that she knew that I still loved her and she was my best friend. She said that she really needs time to think - even though that time is being spent with OM.<P>GMAN, thanks for the encouragement. Whatever happens, we BS's are the strongest people in the world. We are also the best spouses out there because we've taken the time to learn about how this stuff really works. Unfortunatly, we're really hoping that our wives will get out of the fog and get back on that trail and that impatience will not get the better of us. <P>There are four words that my aunt read to us at our wedding that I keep telling myself over and over: "Love is always patient."<P>God bless,<BR>M.<BR>

I don't believe it. Your situation sounds ever such a lot like mine. My H had the affair. He hasn't moved in with OW but I do know that he is still phoning her. He also says that he still doesn't know what he wants and that he knows that I still love him. I'm hanging in there with plan A as well in the hope that he'll realise that his love for me is real and that what he feels for her is just an addiction/ infatuation etc. I know this doesn't help you, but it helped me to read what you are experiencing. It helps to know that we are not alone and that others have very similar situations and similar hopes that they can save their marriages doesn't it? Please keep us informed of how this progresses.<P>God bless.<BR>Wounded One (England)

This Plan A stuff is hard. My WW is now trying to prompt me to be mean to her so she can justify her affair. She's being pretty nasty so it's hard not to get upset and mad back. So my strategy is this: The one way I can make it really hard for her and OM to be happy is to be very nice to her (Plan A). It's hard because I really care for her and it hurts me to know that her strategy is to try and make our relationship bad and their relationship stronger. I'm convinced that she is definatly "under the influence."<P>The only thing in my control is me. I'm doing everything I like to do such as reading, tennis, biking, hiking with my pup and so on. I'm spending a lot of time with my close friends (NOT WOMEN) and going to parties (not drinking at all, of course) and meeting a lot of people. I'm actually kind of happy with myself. Sleep is hard. I awake at 5am from dreams about her and cannot get back to sleep because I can't get the situation out of my head. But I wake up and take a walk with the dog. Then I work out (lost 25lbs and 3 inches off my waist) so this is my natural prozac. Then I go to work and concentrate on my job as much as possible. This is how I'm staying happy throughout this. I also look forward to the future - being happy with myself and making SOMEONE very happy. This WILL pay off in the future!<P>Remember - you need to be happy about yourself before you can make someone else happy.<P>“Nevertheless let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” (A marriage may be made in heaven, but the maintenance must be done on earth.)<BR>Ephesians 5:33

mikenu,<P>My W is doing the same thing to me. If I look at her wrong, she has a heart attack. We have two kids and she acts like she is 17 years old. We still live together, but she hardly pays attention to the kids. When I make any comment, she takes it as a attact on her. What I'm getting at is that my W is just trying to make me out as a bad guy who does bad things just so she feels justified in what she is doing.<P>I have tried plan A for awhile and it's not helping. <P>It's funny you should write about the weight you lost. I have lost 17 pounds and feel great. One thing I figured out on this site. Look out for yourself. <P>You wrote on your last reply "being happy with myself and making SOMEONE very happy. This WILL pay off in the future!". That is WHERE I am going with my situation.<P>Good Luck MIKENU<BR>