I don't even know where to start. H was having an affair. This continued for about six months when I finally left. He broke it off with her and I came back (not knowing whether to fully believe him or not). I found this website after all this happened. I have tried Plan A, but found out that he recently went back to talking to her. The OW lives out of state so he can't see her very often, but they were talking on the phone daily. That night we all three talked on the phone and she said for him to choose. He said he wanted to be with her and we were getting a divorce. The next day, I got an email from H saying he is very confused and doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, our relationship, or their relationship. He has decided he wants to move out on his own (he has said this before and hasn't done it) for about two months to figure out what he needs to do. He just needs to live at home until he can find a place and having enough money. Like I said, he has said this before and never went anywhere, but was with me and OW stringing us both along. I know he is confused, but part of me thinks he is just using both of us. I don't know if I should move out myself, continue Plan A while waiting for him to move out, or what? I'm very hurt and confused right now and not sure what the next step is.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. huggggsssss... but you are doing the right thing by posting.<P>2 questions:<P>How long have you been in Plan A?<BR>Have you read through the Plan A - 101 link by NSR that's on this Forum?<P>Let us know that, and we can help you a little better.

I have been in Plan A for about two months. No, I haven't read Plan A 101. Where is the link at for it? We talked last night and I offered to move out and let him stay here since he is so busy with his work and he wouldn't have to worry about finding another place and the house payment is probably the same as the rent would be on another place. (He is determined that he is going to move out.) I told him I wanted to give him the space and time to work out how he was feeling because we have both decided we want our relationship to be right and both of us working on it or the relationship to be over. He just doesn't know which one he wants. I want the relationship to be right and both of us to be together, but I'm not going to live like this forever. I've lived like this long enough. The affair has been going on for almost a year now. He told me he hasn't talked to her since the night we all three talked on the phone. He just says he is confused and doesn't know what to do. I need to know something because I don't want to give up on the relationship and don't want to do something wrong, but I'm just tired of hurting.

Scroll down a little on the Plan A/B forum subjects. You'll see it. It was posted by NSR. ALso, go to the Just Found Out Forum - there are several wonderful "welcome" messages there.<P>You are definitely in the right place to learn some things that will increase the chances of saving your marriage. <P>I wouldn't move out if I were you. It sends the message that you are giving up and approving of his behavior. By the time my H said he was moving out, we had tried to reconcile - but he wasn't really trying - so I was ready for him to have his space. He was doing wahtever he wanted to do - come and go and such. He called one day and said I'm signing a lease. I said OK. A week later and more of his coming and going , I asked him very calmly why he hadn't moved yet - when would his apt be ready? Ir wasn't fair for him to come and go and keep me up worrying if he wasn't goig to let me know, etc, and it would be best if he would move on - even to a hotel. It worked. <P>So I'm not telling you to kick him out - but there might be some subtle ways to encourage him to follow through with his threats - if you think that's what he needs to do. Keeping him at home is the best thing to do, but if you can't stand it or there are too many fights, Words like "perhaps we do need some time apart" may help. But I don't think you should leave.<P>I think you need to keep Plan A'ing your buns off. Become the best You you can be. Read and learn as much as you can to be sure you're dong it correctly. Read His needs Her Needs, Surviving and Affair, and Love Busters. Your H is on the fence - in the "fog" - as we say. You have a good chance of getting his attention with OW out of town. Plan A. Read the links I mentioned. General Questions II forum is another good forum to read and begin posting as your read more. There's more traffic over there.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Thanks Faith. Please send some energy my way. I'm very tired and wore-out. But, I'm going to Plan A my buns off like you suggested. I just realized that no matter what he says to hurt me about her; she is in another state and is about tired of being the OW anyway. She is younger and told me that she shouldn't put her life on hold for him if he's not going to make a decision; she will make it for him. This is really my best opportunity. I have mixed feelings about him moving out, but maybe I can just Plan A him into defeat. )

Yes! THat is a very good oppurtunity for you.<P>Do something nice for yourself. Take a bubble bath. Get a manicure. Have some ice cream. Listen to some favorite music. Watch something silly (when my H first left, I enjoyed staying up late watching I Love Lucy and Gilligan Island!!) <P>When you read more of the Harley stuff, you'll get more energy because you will feel like you have a plan and have some bullets in your belt.<P>Don't be needy and clingy to your H. Be self-confident and polite. <P>You can do this! <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Thanks Faith. I posted the whole sob story in General questions to Lostva. I've read over and over that she is the queen of Plan A. I'm just really feeling low and discouraged. I came in today and he was on his "business" phone. I know he was probably talking to OW. I can't seem to get it out of my head. Everytime he's back there on that phone I think he's talking to her. I pressed redial and a 800 number came up. He's been using a pre-paid calling card so her number won't show up on the phone bill. He won't even tell me he loves me anymore, but when he needs something done he comes running and just expects it done (Plan A). Sometimes, Plan A makes me sick. Why should I do all these things for his business and for him while he's talking to her? I know I need to for Plan A, but I get so frustrated. I feel like telling him to lie to me just so I'll feel a little better. Sorry this is so negative, but I have to get it out before I blow up on him.

Hi Dumplin,<BR>Thanks for replying to my post. I thought I'd check out your situation. It sounds a lot like mine. My H works away Mon to Fri. I know he is still phoning OW but he insists he isn't seeing her, but he could be, how would I know? Anyway my H also says he's confused about his life etc. exactly the same things you said about your H. Its really hard doing this plan A stuff isn't it when deep down you feel that they are making no effort to choose. I suppose that the aim of it is that if you've made the environment at home with you more appealing, then they'll choose you rather than the OW. Let me know how you get on. I know I can't offer any real help but its good to share experiences with those who are in a similar predicament.<BR>Good Luck,<BR>Wounded One

It is the hardest thing I've ever done. What bothers me the most is I feel like I'm in competition. From what I've learned though we're supposed to be working on ourselves and our spouses will see the difference. Please keep in contact. This is the best support center I've found. Just being able to complain and share successes (little as they are) is the best. I can come in here and moan and groan without causing a fight. I also post alot in General Questions II which seems to have alot more traffic so you get alot more responses. Keep in touch.<P>Anna

I find prayer helps a lot. Currently I am praying for my wife to find herself. She is very lost. <P>I think of a story of a man that had a dream of his life being with a beautiful, tall, blue-eyed woman with three sons on a big open ranch and so on. One morning the man awoke to find that he married a short, brown-eyed woman with brown eyes and two daughters and lived in the city. When he asked God why he didn't give him what he wanted, God replied, "I could have, but I wanted to make you happy."<P>God can heal a broken heart, but he has to have all the pieces.<P>I posted a message at that tells how I'm getting through Plan A by doing things myself: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000878.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000878.html</A> <P>Keep praying. God bless and peace be with you.<BR>M.<P>

Thanks for the help, mikenu. Everyone can read about my situation at my post, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011301.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011301.html</A> . I'm trying to keep it all in the same spot so it's not as confusing to keep up with.