I'm really not new here - I've read EVERYTHING. But I'm not sure where to start with Plan A. We are both wanting to fix this - do we start with the 4 Rules for a Successful Marriage? the questionnaires? There's so much at stake here, and I want to do this right. <P>Thanks so much for your help.

Start off understanding the basic concepts...<BR>(read first... then re-read)...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Emphasis on learning terminology...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>.<P>Next download...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A>...<BR>...of course fill them out...<P>Then you'll be ready for guidance by the Harley's themselves...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$120US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>They can guide you through the step-by-step processes needed in changing your behaviors...<P>...and in time... (be patient)...<BR>...you will (through lots of practice)... work on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>...<P>And you journey to this most important of policies...<BR>...you will be building the skills implied in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<P>This <B>will take time</B>...<BR>...don't be discouraged with lack of progress...<P>...love takes work!<P>...if it wouldn't... what good would it be!<P>You have my prayers...<BR>...now add to that your prayers too!<P> <P>Jim

Plan A is to learn each other's EN's and learn how to meet them. Learn each other's LB's and learn how to AVOID them. Each of you needs to work on yourself - making changes to yourself that have been complaints of your spouse. Have you read the Plan A - 101 post on this forum? it's a good start. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P> Yes the questionnaires are great too. The POJA and the 4 Rules are the way to communicate about all this stuff.<P>Have you read Harley's books? His Needs Her Needs. (was there and affair? then also read Surviving and Affair)<P>And one more suggestion: call and make an appointment with Steve or Jennifer Harley for counseling, or find one locally.<P>You're doing the right thing by reading and learning, and by posting. The General Questions II forum has lots of traffic - you may get more help there, even though weekends are a bit slow.<P>I see NSR has responded now too with some helpful links. <P>Hang in there,and welcome! There's lots of great info and SUPPORT here.<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 03, 2001).]

Thank you so much for replying, NSR & Faith. It was extremely helpful. I know I don't think so clearly lately, but I was just swimming around in links and articles. This gives me some direction. Yes, we're trying to recover from an affair (PA) - it happened a year ago, but there have been sooooo many lies and betrayals since then that I'm not sure what I'm recovering from. I feel so defeated. It's all so confusing, too, because throughout the whole ordeal, he's always there apologizing and wanting to work things out. And, if I just forget that he's lying, hiding things and covering stuff, we are really pretty happy (I KNOW how stupid that sounds). I know a lot of people would be grateful for that, but it's all become tainted. My LB has an undetermined balance...

almostbroken,<P>Check out... a few of these...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/19991018-1-003149.html" TARGET=_blank>All your best reasons for ending contact with OM/OW?</A>…..2 4 life…..4/25/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007102.html" TARGET=_blank>How do you deal with "TRIGGERS?"</A>…..NoTrust…..9/7/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000121.html" TARGET=_blank>How do you define "recovery"?</A>…..2sad4words…..2/10/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000181.html" TARGET=_blank>For those who may need a little inspiration... almost 1 yr. and counting</A>…..Genie29…..2/25/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000245.html" TARGET=_blank>Truths I learned through my spouse's affair...</A>…..BrokenButNotCrushed…..3/12/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000293.html" TARGET=_blank>Making New Memories</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/25/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000303.html" TARGET=_blank>When Triggers Stop Being Triggers</A>…..wasstubborn…..3/26/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003000.html" TARGET=_blank>The apology letter from my husband</A>…..Crushed…..5/18/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000624.html" TARGET=_blank>An amazing breakthrough!</A>…..lostva…..5/23/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000630.html" TARGET=_blank>Where is the beaming face icon???</A>…..schizzo…..5/24/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000763.html" TARGET=_blank>Second year in recovery</A>…..Kat1…..6/26/2000<P>They are from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post.<P> <P>Hey...<BR>...if you haven't heard it from a platonic friend yet...<BR>...<B>you are loved</B>!<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<BR> I have spent all night reading your links to memorable posts - and it was definitely not time wasted. I spent a little time on another message board before I found MB's and I'm just so thankful I found this place. There is so much encouragement and inspiration here. Sure, there are lots of hurting people, me included, and everyone is not in a place to build others right now, but the other site was such a destructive place. Thanks for making me feel cared about - you can't imagine how much it means. I've read all night - I have much more to say, but it's past my bedtime