Hello...<P>My W refuses to give up the OM. I found out a little over two months ago. I am trying to follow plan A, have been doing the things that I was lacking before. I am having a hard time because she is not interesting in meeting my needs, and chooses to hurt my feelings over giving him up.<P>My main question is this. I notice a lot of things, and can put two and two together. I have snooped in the house, on the computer, in the cars, followed her, etc.... And then confonted her with extreme LB's.... I realize I cannot do that. I am not sure how to bring this stuff to her attention in a way that is not a LB. <P>What should I do? Try my best to ignore what she does? Sit her down and tell her that I am hurt by what she is doing? <P>From what I can tell, I am doing great at meeting her EM, not so great at being annoying and non-judging. The LBs are pushing her away, but I also have two major demons to fight -- the OM, whom she says she is in love with, and the past 1 1/2 years where neither of us were meeting each others needs. She has a big grudge about that and is afraid that I will go back to how I was.<P>But, back to the question. Should I let her do what she wants, with the advantage of not pushing her away, and the disadvantage of letting her see him easier, or should I lay down the law, and drive her away. I have been doing the latter, and can see that it has not worked very well.<P>Thanks,,,,, I am a wreck and looking forward to any ideas.<P>

Welcome <B>arthur1234</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Be presistent and committed to a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Now what to do... over an beyond Plan A...<P>Get your thoughts and ideas together and plan a day with her when you 2 can sit down in talk in complete honesty.<P>On that day... express what you know by prefacing it with "her actions... being hurting... towards you"...<P>...and that in complete honesty... your relationship with her will be one of continuing loss of love for her... it she continues this affair.<P>...be honest in your appraisal of how you have and will change.<P>And that is all you can do!<P>If she continues the affair...<BR>...you can't stop it... <BR>...all you can do is go to Plan B (that you don't spell out to her)!<BR>...but for as long as you can... Plan A!<P>My prayers to you.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

What you are doing is enabling her to continue her affair. She sees no consequences to her doing so. I would recommend that you read the Book "LOVE MUST BE TOUGH" by Dr.J.Dobson.

Do check out one of the older posts...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010263.html" TARGET=_blank>Readers of "Love Must be Tough" - Please Reply</A>.<P> <P>Jim

thanks NSR...<P>I guess I will put more of my story up on my profile sometime...<P>About tough love; I tried putting my foot down when I first found out. That did not work, so I stayed with what she agreed to -- only seeing him at work. But, I got pushy and nosy and drove her away by being tougher. If I make any more demands to her, they will probably be my last.<P><BR>I will try to take your advice about sitting down one day and talking things out. Right now, I feel miserable, and I guess it just feels better knowing that I can write this, and that someone else out there will be thinking of me.<P>I am going to go do some of the suggested reading (again, actually) and try to clear my mind. I hope to come back again today and write some more.<P>thanks <P><p>[This message has been edited by arthur1234 (edited September 06, 2001).]

1234<P>I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. MY H STILL SEE AND TALKS TO OW AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IT MAKES ME SO MAD THAT HE CAN WALK AWAY FROM 10 YEARS OF HAPPY MARRIAGE AND HIS CHILDREN FOR THE OW. HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR MY FEELING OR THE KIDS. SOMETIME I TELL HIM I KNOW HE IS STILL TALKING AND SEEING HER. I DO IT IN A NICE WAY BUT I WANT HIM TO KNOW, THAT I KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING. HE HAS NOT SAID THAT HE WANTS OUR MARRAIGE TO WORK, JUST KEEPS ON TELLING ME HE DOES NOT KNOW. GOOD LUCK AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Hi,<BR> Thanks for replying to my post on looking for evidence, I thought I'd see what your question was. I've discovered that if I get tough with my H and give him ultimatums then he says he will leave. This has happened twice and I've had the awful task of then begging him not to leave. It gets really pathetic. I have also, however had two or three really useful conversations where I did get answers out of him. Its all about timimg and how you ask, I think. Prior to the last really useful and productive conversation, I left a message on his mobile phone saying that there were some things which I needed to know. I made it clear on the message that it wasn't to confront him but it would make me happier to know the truth about certain things, because if I knew the truth, then I would not feel the need to continually confront him, and therefore, in the long run, we would both be happier. I explained how his lack of communication made me imagine things which probably were not even happening anyway. Next time he phoned, he was in a good mood and ready to talk. (unfortunately most of our conversations are on the phone because he works away Mon to Fri) He knew what sorts of things I was going to ask and therefore didn't feel confronted. We had a really good talk for about 1 1/2 hours. He explained why he thought the affair had started, he could only think of one annoying habit which I had (that sometimes I talk over what he is saying because I'm in a hurry to tell him my news) I explained that I wish he'd told me that earlier, because that was a habit I could easily rectify etc. He said that he wasn't seeing her but coudn't commit to me fully at the moment because he still had her in his system etc. etc. Anyway, I won't bore you with every detail, but I found that asking the questions in a very calm, friendly manner helped, plus the fact that I gave him notice that I wanted what he calls a "deep and meaningful conversation".I have an awful feeling that since that conversation about a month ago, he may have started seeing her again. So it doesn't change what they are doing. But I do know that if I let it get to me and get angry then he'll definitely leave next time. So I'm working on plan A for a while and am planning to keep the questions in for a few months until I can think of a way of bringing them up in conversation without being confrontational! This probably doesn't help, but if you put pressure on...they leave!

thanks for the reply!<P>I have another question for anyone who wants to take it...<P>For the first time, I thought about giving up on the marriage altogether today. Things were not great before the A, because neither of us were treating each other right. Well, recently, she has started acting like she did before, in the ways that made me rethink marriage before the A. <P>I am really wondering if I want to save this or not. I am having a hard time coming up with reasons that I love her right now...<P>I am not actually going to give up yet, but is this the point where I start thinking about going to plan B? The way I feel right now is that I want to go straight to plan D ..........<P>I am sure this is just a cry of desperation. Thanks for listening to my noise.<P>

I can sympathize with your dilema. I have empathy with you plight.<P>There are a lot of significant readings in what Dr. Harley writes. <BR>Follow these plans. <BR>Most importantly. There had to be a reason why.<BR>I recommend reading and doing. Relationship rescue by Dr. Phil McGraw. <BR>No phsycobabble.<P>You have to repair yourself, before you repair your marriage.<BR>I have done some serious soul searching in this matter.<BR>I have found out that the deepest abyss of my soul has stored some very strong feelings. <BR>Take a long look at yourself first.<BR>Then by learning about who you are, can you learn about who your love is.<P>These are very good. Also clean your emotional closet.<P>By repairing the damage done to you, can you consider repairing you marriage.<P>These are my suggestions.<P>Good Luck and God speed.<P>