Does anyone else feel like they're in a tailspin in Plan A? I found that it seems to be working very slowly and every now and then when I talk to my wayward wife, whose living with OM, I feel like I'm digging my hole deeper. I know I need to keep my conversations short, but it's so difficult.<P>She's trying to justify her actions by telling me how bad I was and how good it felt to have him meet those needs. It drives me nuts and I reply that I don't disagree but she never even gave me a chance. <P>Need support to keep on track. What do you all do to resist the temptation to "go off." <P>I'm convinced that those of us that are going through with this are the stongest people around. I could use a little extra strength now!

mikenu,<P>I liked your advice in another thread about the investigating stuff.... <P>Not sure if I can give much good advice, but here I go:<P>Sometimes, I feel like I can take anything, for any amount of time, and keep at it. I feel that way from thinking about how much I love my wife, about how much we could have together, and by knowing that the only way it will work is if I give myself to the process and take my knocks.<P>I am having a difficult time now too. Not finding many reasons why I love my wife. Just writing my advice above made me feel a little better....<P>best I can say is hang in there, find the positives, and you are not alone.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mikenu:<BR><B>She's trying to justify her actions by telling me how bad I was and how good it felt to have him meet those needs. It drives me nuts and I reply that I don't disagree but she never even gave me a chance. <P>Need support to keep on track. What do you all do to resist the temptation to "go off." <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mikenu,<BR> Just remember that this is all temporary. Keep telling yourself that your WW is "ILL" and "not acting like herself." If you think of her behavior as a sick child, and how you would love and care for that child, it makes this easier....just keep picturing the future conversations, etc that will result from a "flawless" Plan A. If there is such a thing. <P>Remember, too, that the more "space" you give her and OM, the sooner they will tire of each other....do NOT become their "common enemy" - this is something I kept in mind from the earliest days. It made it easier to keep away, and NOT try to contact my WH. I didn't want ME to become the reason they stayed together!<P>While my WH is not home, YET, and hasn't made contact in almost 12 weeks, I KNOW I'm "only 5 minutes away from the miracle." I'm sure not knowing what is going on, why I'm NOT calling, stalking, begging, (or cussin'!) is bothering him something fierce, cause that is what I would have done, wanted to do! This "Plan A" stuff just isn't (OK, <B>wasn't</B>) my style. I see now that my method of "handling" him was only hurting our relationship, yes, for a very long time, until it drove him totally into her arms. I have told him this, and one day will make it up to him, but in the meantime, I just keep away.<P>I honestly don't think I could see him, talk to him, watch him walk out the door every single day KNOWING he was going to HEr the way many, many on here do!! I think I have it easiest! He left. Period. NO CONTACT. That makes my life sooo much less complicated! Thank you, God, You knew what I could handle and what I could not. <P>So, for your own peace of mind, I wouldn't have too many conversations with her. Let her stew a little bit. Just Plan A whenever you are together or talk. Plan A. Little else. Keep your eyes on the goal. It will help ease your pain a little bit. I'm sorry this is so hard for you, for all of us. Life sucks rocks sometimes.......<BR>Lupo<P>

mikenu,<P>It's me again. Dino<BR>Your situation is like mine.<P>Plan A is not working. It sucks.<P>My W tells me about how bad our marriage is. What I have been doing wrong and so on and so on. She never complained before. She tells me OM/co-worker listens to her needs. I know we had problems, but I believe it can be worked out with help. And it drives me nuts that she has not tried with us. We have two kids. Nothing.<P>Right now, I am doing my thing and she is doing hers. Hardly any communication. I am watching and taking care of the kids and myself while she is on the phone or working late. Again, plan A is not working and I need to try something new. <P>Dino<BR>

Dino,<P>I don't think it's soon enough to know if Plan A is working or not. K once told me that Plan A, if done effectively, never fails. (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000857.html)<BR>To quote him, "You may not end the affair, you may still end up in Plan B, and you may even eventually get divorced---but Plan A will have the effect of making you successful, by teaching you new marital behaviors and skills."<P>Think about it, you will learn:<BR>1. How to forgive.<BR>2. How to be able to give and get nothing in return.<BR>3. How to make yourself happy.<BR>4. How to avoid LBs.<P>I'm getting frustrated myself. I am at a point, not quite Plan B, but a point where I owe it to myself to not speak with her very much because every time we talk, it's self destruct mode. I also think that I will prepare her for life without me in her back pocket. For example, her car (which I gave her before we were married), is having problems. Now I'm not a mechanic (I sell accounting software), but I can just about fix anything on a car. In fact this car now has 100k miles on it and is in mint condition because I maintained it meticulously. The car broke down this past Sunday, and she called me. She described the problem and I said, "It's the water pump." I could fix it for about $50-$70 in about 1 hour. But since she is showing me that she doesn't care about me, I told her that she can take care of it. She just got it in the shop today and they said it's the water pump (Thank you Masters of the Obvious). Here's an example of how OM can't meet a need that I could have. He owns an A/V company so he knows how to plug in speakers and steal wives. My point is this. She lives with him and is saying that it's over between us. I said, "If that's how you feel now, that fine. I'm still here as your husband." It REALLY seems like Plan A isn't working, but you just don't know. I'm not a mind reader, she might be unsure of herself, OM might get sick of her crap, she might miss getting her most important ENs filled by me, and so on. Who knows at this point. <BR>It's a screwed up situation. I kind of makes you want to laugh at how nieve they're being thinking that the grass is greener but I know, it hurts. There's a few fun things I've been doing for myself that help:<BR>1. Seeing movies with my friends. American Pie 2 was hysterical. I'm still and intellectual idiot sometimes. But I had 2 hours of laughing from watching it.<BR>2. Going to the beach.<BR>3. Excercise.<P>Do this kind of stuff for yourself. This will help you not be bitter that you're giving and not getting. <P>Best wishes. God bless.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She's trying to justify her actions by telling me how bad I was and how good it felt to have him meet those needs. It drives me nuts and I reply that I don't disagree but she never even gave me a chance.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're half-way there. Apologize to her for not meeting those needs. And then say that you're working very hard in counseling (if you are) to learn to meet those needs the way that she wants them met.<P>Apologize---don't defend. It has two benefits: you avoid lovebusting, and you keep the WS off balance by responding with kindness and love to a really crappy situation.<BR>

K,<P>Good to hear from you again! I'm trying my best to remember the rules of Plan A, but every now and then, she (or the anthesis of her) is pretty brutal. <BR>What's good is that not only did I tell her that I was working to meet those needs, but I showed her that when she originally came to me and told me that her feelings were changing. I was in Plan A and didn't even know it because I didn't know that she was in A. Unfortunately, since I didn't know what I was really up against, I only followed my instincts which were similar to Plan A but I didn't know the real rules. She still feels that you shouldn't have to work at those things and they should come naturally and says that she thought that she would wake up one day and the "old Mike" would be back. I'm still trying!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm still trying!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're doing very well, Mike. Have a terrific weekend.

Hi,<BR>My H seems to come from the school of thought which tells him that you shouldn't have to work at marriage and a leopard can never change its spots etc. etc. I guess it must be our job to show them that behaviours can be changed and that possibly the strongest marriages are the ones where both partners have worked at things. So many of the posts on here where plan A has worked say that their marriage is now stronger because of it. I think we just have to show them the way. I am not giving up yet anyway.<BR>Wounded One

Hi mikenu, <P>I usually post over in D/D but it's slow right now. So I thought I'd come here to browse.<P>I am exactly where you are right now, (except h has already said he wants a divorce, that's why I'm posting there) and the responses you have received have really helped.<P>Your wife is saying the same kind of stuff my h is, and yes it seems like Plan A isn't working. But I have spent the whole of three days trying to decide to go on with it, and I've been reading and analysing behaviours (his and mine) and I think, for at least another day I will go on. <P>It's really hard, though, when all you want to do is get whatever off your chest and to hell with LB'ing. That's how I feel now. But I will not! Well, not tomorrow anyway. I want to keep that safe place for my h if ever he gets out of the fog, but I also want to keep my dignity. I never, ever want him to say to himself that I was bad about this, whatever way it goes. If he does decide to divorce me, he will have to live the rest of his life knowing I did everything I could to save it, and even if he goes on to have a great life without me, he will regret his decision sooner or later. So TODAY at least, Plan A holds some kind of future revenge for me!!! <P>Kep with it, I will struggle along with you!<P>Nina

She's sort of asking for divorce in a round about way, but I told her she will not get it until I'm ready or a judge tells me I can't contest it (18 months separated - I live in a No-Fault divorce state). I figure that this will frustrate OM and her on top of other frustrations that they are experiencing (me keep talking with W).<P>I have another concern that might interest you. See: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000922.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000922.html</A> <BR>