Right off let me say I work out of town for extended periods. Some projects go one months and months and are far away. Current job has been 20 months and 2000 miles away. I am afforded monthly trips home or family members can come see me. I can also have family live with me if I like. The decision for me to do this line of work was made jointly<BR>(17 years of marriage at the time,now married 22 years) and all the family was included in the decision. Just for the record, although the pay and benefits were substantial over what I was doing I was more against the job change than the W. After the job change my wife took on the care for her dying brother (which lasted 10 months) then the care of her sickly parents. This took alot of time from the family but I was supportive of the noble tasks she has taken on. Also, since the job change my wife has come down with a degenerative disability.<P>I became suspicious of my W after I discoverd some risque' (ok, nude) video clips on our family computer that was emailed to another man. She denied there was not another man and claimed me to be paranoid (standard response of WS?). We argued, LBs etc. but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Still, her time on the computer was excessive and I became more suspiciouos. After a month of this and much internal deliberation of invasion of privacy I installed spy software on our computer. I resolved my conflict with the privacy issue by saying I would use just one wee then, if nothing found, shut it down. What I found was far out of what I had expected. Apparently this online affair had been going on for months and not with just one man. She was doing cyber sex, phone sex, giving our address, telephone# etc. and for hours upon hours at a time. D-Day had arrived!! For several weeks I struggled with directions. I found this site and read the book Survining the Affair. It really opened my eyes to my short-comings that I set out to remedy. I initiated Plan A. I became more supportive, attentive, caring. My company offered to transfer me closer home, but at less money and growth potential. It took awhile but I saw the beginnings of improvement. My wife opted not for me to get the transfer, promising to come be with me nore and get someone to watch her parents. She never did come out however, claiming the trip was too painful. Slowly, her habits started agin. On the computer 1,2,3 AM for hours, phone busy, etc. Though I had confronted my wife with quotes from her instant messages previously I had never divulged how obtained the information. I went again to the spy software. She was back to her tricks. <P>At first it was light conversation. Then it turned romantic then sexual. She was being coached on how to avoid my eavesdropping and advised, which she did, to buy a laptop computer to cut me off. As this was going on I kept up plan A, confident I could sway her back. Inasmuch as I did not blow up she wasn't sure I was still watching her and she got careless and continued, at least some, on the family computer as it was easier to use the family computer at the desk than the laptop sitting on her bed. I finally was pushed too far when she made plane reservations to meet a man 2500 miles away. I was so hurt when she told him he was her soul mate and how, until she met him her entire life had been miserable and that without him the rest of her life would be too. I confronted her with this and, without an LB, moved into Plan B.<P>I set out to do this by the numbers. First I changed my phone number (we were already living apart due to my job) and stopped all contact (except topics of kids). I stopped finacial support though I did continue to pay haf the house payment and half the power bill. The kids are out of the house, the car is paid, and the credit cards were already consolidated and I was paying those. Though she is disabled, she does get a company paid disability payment sufficent to pay food, water, gas etc. After 4 weeks Plan B feel apart. My mother died. W and Mom were very close and I didn't think right to cut W out of this sad event. As if this wasn't enough, the day we buried my mom her mom got test results back...she has terminal lung cancer!! Now we are thrust together and,though very awkward, we each felt great love and compasion for the other. Maybe things would work. Two weeks after the funeral I was served divorce papers. W had filed for divorce 5 weeks after plan B (3 weeks before Moms death)and never said a word to me about it. <BR>I am now getting an attorney for the divorce action. I don't want this. I don't think she does. Even as I write this she has sent me a package of thoughtful gifts and trinkets as i had done just before the papers were served. We both weep as we talk of the breakup. I look for a way out of this but then think of the pain inflicted and wonder if it is best to let this marriage just die. I am truly at a lose at what to do now. At first it would be easy to say to quit job and be back home. Jobs are very sarce in out town, espcially for waht I do. I still remember the tremble and fear in her voice, when told by the doctor that she could not go back to work and we didn't know if she would get any disability (Soc Sec has denied her claim), of loosing our home, our car, etc. I swore to her that would never happen and that I would do whatever I had to preserve what we had accomplished together. I don't think it was just the separation either but a combination of the separation, the extreme load her parents care puts on her and the pain from her disability (degenerative spinal disk decay). I am sorry for the length of this post but does <BR>anyone have any ideas or suggestions.<P>bgun

There is nothing wrong with a situation driving you in a change of direction...<P>...death in a family...<BR>...medical problems...<BR>...etc...<P>are all good reasons for going back to Plan A!<P>But...<BR>...if there is no intent on the WS's part to reconcile and give up the infidelity (regardless of what kind cyber/real/whatever)... you can and must return to Plan B!<P>Strength... <P> <P>Jim

This is my first time posting. i am not even sure i am in the right place.

Thanks so much for your reply. I don't know about others but Plan B can be very difficult. My W's doctor indicated in a physicians report to the disability company that W was able to go back to work. Appeals thus far have been fruitless and now she looses her disability payments. In light of al lthat has happened I have tried to get back to plan A but she still refuses to talk to me and hangs up after just a few mintues of talking (being very careful not to have any LB's). While she has told the children she does not want a divorce she refuses to stop the divorce proceedings yet. With her loosing her disability she will either loose the house or have to go back to work whgile in severe pain. I hate to turn my back to her in her need. She is in a fog now and quite frankly so am I. She loves me (at least the part that supports her, looks after her, fixes things for her, helps her parents, etc., etc.) but apparently is not ready to do without what the others offer. Although I love her and care for her well being I certianly don't want to support (in all uses of the word)her while she loves another(s). I can see Plan B bringing her back to me to preserve her way of life (especially since she lost her disability) but I don't know if I even want a W that stays with me for that reason. As she won't talk to me and won't stop the divorce should I press forward with Plan B?<P>bgun

Both Plan A and Plan B are there for the <B>hope</B>... that your spouse will come back!<P><B>Neither</B> Plan A <B>NOR</B> Plan B will bring them back!<P>They will have to come back on their own!<P>Why do the plans...<BR>...because... <B>they are for you to become a better person (perhaps a better continued spouse)</B>!<P>That's the secret!!!<P>When to [b]do[b] each of the plans...<BR>...Plan A as long as you can...<P>...and when you feel your love bank lost... your anger taking control... and can accept that permanent separation is something you can live with for the rest of your life...<BR>...then and only then... go to Plan B.<P>Do check out...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P>There are spiritual foundations to all of these...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000288.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Concepts in Christian Scripture</A>. Plan A and Plan B are like what God does... hopes for our salvation... and in His mystery... he does both!<BR>In our fraility... we can only do one at a time!... but do both in "hope"!<P>God Bless...<P> <P>Jim