iS ANYBODY THERE? I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT AND I AM TIRED. IN A NUT SHELL, MY HUSBAND OF 16 YEARS (AGE 45) HAS BEEN VERBALLY ABUSIVE FOREVER. I HAVE ENDURED LOTS. NOW I HAVE BECOME JUST AS BAD AS HIM. WE HAVE 4 CHILDREN. I BELIEVE THAT MARRIAGE IS A COMMITTMENT FOR LIFE. NOW HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A RELATIVE OF HIS THAT STARTED ON THE INTERNET AND HAS PROGRESSED TO TWO LIVE ENCOUNTERS EACH IN EXCESS OF A WEEK. HE SAYS HE HASN'T LOVED ME, AND WE'VE HAD NOTHING TOGETHER. HE RETURNED FROM HIS FLING TONIGHT, INSULTED ME AND SAID THIS IS HIS HOUSE TOO. MEANING HE CAN STAY HERE AS LONG AS HE WANTS. I WAS READING UP, PLANNING TO TRY TO FIX THINGS, BUT FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE. I WILL START LOOKING FOR ANOTHER PLACE TO LIVE TOMORROW. HE WON'T LEAVE THOUGH I ASKED HIM TO. I THINK IT IS OVER. I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS. ADVICE?

HI, Beguiled...<BR>Do you love your H? Do you want your marriage, or are you ready to throw in the towel, too? It doesn't sound like yours was a very happy marriage with all of that verbal abuse going on. How have the kids fared with all of the abuse happening? Is this the kind of life you want for them?<P>First, I would do nothing about moving out at this time. Never make any major life's decisions when you are so emotionally overwrought. You need to talk to someone ASAP, be it a minister, a priest, a counselor or a women's crisis center. Just curious here, but do you own your house, or do you rent? If you co-own a home, leaving it could be a huge mistake. Before you do anything like that, go see a lawyer to find out what your rights are in your homestate.<P>Take some deep breaths, try to calm down a bit, and make some calls. What your H is doing to you is mental and emotional cruelty, and in many states, adultery is not looked upon very kindly by the courts (should a divorce happen). You need to clear your mind as best as you can for now, and to take some positive steps for your (and your kids') safety. Even children suffer from verbal abuse between parents! How my heart aches for them! <P>Of course, read all you can here at MB site. Dr. H recommends keeping a marriage together EXCEPT in certain cases. Addictions and abusive situations are two of those cases. I don't know you or your situation well enough to make any determinations, but if you are truly in an abusive relationship, you need to get out of it. It's hard, I know, but I did it myself with H #1, and have never regretted my decision.<P>Good luck and I hope to hear back from you...<BR>Winny

Thank you winnytoo. i am just so angry i cant do anything but fume. i am so mad because he is being cynical. As far as i know the kids are fine, they do fine in school, have friends and lots of activities. H is very controlling. i could not even go to work today i am so mad at him. my ideal would be to get some counseling but he refuses, says it is over, but apparently on his terms and timing. i would like him to get out of the house, i was upset while he was gone but at least i could function...now that he is here i just can't stand to be in the same room with him.What gives anybody the right to pop in and out at their own convenience? No regard for me, says he doesn't care about me...only about self. says he will come and go as he pleases. what's up with that? i am pretty sure he is maintaining his relationship- via internet/phone- with the adultress!!!!!! can't stand this, makes me sick. how can he do this to us? You are right about the house (co-ownership)..that is why he is not leaving...he is an attorney. can somebody write back???