Authored by Distressed in Feb of 2001:<P><BR>*************************************************<BR>I may be opening up a can of worms, but I read so many posts from people struggling with the implementation of Plan A that I thought I'd open up a philosophical discussion. Before expressing my opinions, I need to be clear that I myself did do Plan A for about 18 months in total. So when I'm critical, accept that I'm criticizing my own behavior in the hopes that others can learn. Here goes.<P>I am a great believer in the Harley methodology and it helped me work through a horrible situation. However, I am convinced that there is no greater misunderstanding and misapplication of techniques than in the betrayed's use of Plan A. FAR, FAR too many betrayed's seem to believe that if they stop love busting, go to great efforts to meet the wayward's needs (while the affair continues), and don't bring up OR talks or any issues, their spouses will eventually come back. While the spouses sometimes do come back during Plan A, it is my strong belief that their coming back is much more related to the natural death of their affairs than any action the betrayed is taking.<P>Plan A serves one narrowly defined purpose only. Its purpose is for the betrayed spouse to demonstrate for the wayward spouse the behavior he/she is capable of should the wayward ever decide to return to the marriage. That's it. It does not and cannot be used to: 1) win the spouse back from the OP, 2) recreate love from the wayward while the affair continues by meeting emotional needs, 3) unconditionally demonstrate love and self-sacrifice from the betrayed, or 4) create guilt within the wayward.<P>While the positive aspects of Plan A are useful, they come with a very high negative cost if it goes on too long. The backlash to the betrayed's self-esteem grows over time as disrespectful behavior from the wayward is not only tolerated, but often rewarded. The betrayed forgets what it's like to respect him/herself, and just accepts whatever crumbs the wayward offers. Worse still, the betrayed remains so engrossed in the effort to meet the emotional needs of the wayward, that they're not focusing on developing a separate life. This doesn't always happen, but it happens far more often than it should.<P>I believe the Harley's are frequently misunderstood about Plan A. Their intent is for a SHORT Plan A, just to demonstrate the changes. Normally, they recommend going to Plan B at separation or after just a few months of Plan A. Plan B is almost always necessary according to the Harley's. Their advice is clear, but many people do not apply it as advised. Plan A goes way too far.<P>Unfortunately, it's best to accept that once someone decides to leave, whether they choose to come back is completely out of the control of the betrayed. The primary influences on the wayward's behavior are some combination of the state of the affair and the character of the wayward, not the actions of the betrayed. That's why Harley says go to Plan B and stay there. It's basically designed to allow a maximum waiting period for the affair to end.<P><BR>Here's the link for the entire Post:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007757.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007757.html</A> <P><P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

<B>I believe the Harley's are frequently misunderstood about Plan A. Their intent is for a SHORT Plan A, just to demonstrate the changes. Normally, they recommend going to Plan B at separation or after just a few months of Plan A.</B><BR>Yes, Plan B is generally after separation. However, if the affair has ended and the ws is "confused, Plan A should be continued when separated. Also, about the "short" bit. When the bs is LB all the time and/or the bs cannot be in contact with the ws without lotsa inner grief and sadness, then the time for Plan A to end is at hand. Generally, Harley recommends 6 months as the time frame to hold out for. This time frame was chosen because it is <B>USUALLY</B> how long a bs can stand the pain & abuse caused by the ws.<P>I personally did not go to Plan B because she has been gone & it would look pretty sad if I sent her a letter & told her not to contact me when she never contacted me anyway! She Plan B'd me!<P>But this is a good view of Plan A. Remember though, whem they do not seem to be responsive and you want them to "wake up", that is NOT the reason to Plan B.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks - that was a great thread and very timely to have it pointed out. I think I'm approaching some kind of decision point about plan B. It's been 6 months in plan A and I don't think I can accomplish much more. But I don't think plan B will work for me, either.<P>- Tom