Is it possible to overkill in Plan A? I have gotten out of my old routines of being the happy homemaker, and are planning to get back into them. My H really appreciated when i sent him out the door in the morning with enough home made coffee cake to share with his fellow workers. I usually cooked from scratch, haven't for awhile, and was always willing to do anything for him. Then got too relaxed, and i think he's not use to the change so i plan on doing all these things again. He swears there is nothing going on with this 24 yr old, i really wonder though. So my thoughts are to give him these things back and more, that this young woman don't do. Yesterday, i gave him a massage, my request, he really enjoyed it, no sex was involved, and i asked if he would like one every night, he said he wouldn't mind, so unless he says other wise thats part of my plan, and i will follow what Dr. H says also for Plan A. I will meet every need, he won't share what he wants, but i will do what i think is best, and won't give him no reason to hear negative things. It hurts though that some of my needs are not being met. And i have gotten frustrated, and wanted to say something, but bite my tongue. So does anyone think that i am going to overkill Plan A? At this point i am willing to do anything to save this marriage, he means to much to me to let it go, and in my heart I know he loves me, its just someone has made some of his days a little better. "but not for long". (i hope)

misunderstood,<P>I'm fairly new to this, (been working Plan A for just a few weeks), but in my experience so far I have found that it is easy to overkill Plan A.<P>When I started, I was trying to meet my WS's every EN and I worked hard at changing some of the habit's which had annoyed her. She immeadiately noticed the difference in my behaviour and actually became frustrated and angry because she felt I was only putting on a show for her. She also felt smothered by all the sudden attention she was receiving and I think it actually put her on the defensive.<P>I've since discovered that a more subtle approach seems to mean a lot more to her. Instead of trying to clean the entire house at once, I work on certain areas at a time. Insead of bombarding her with cards and emails, a simple note or hand written card every now and then is appreciated more.<P>I suppose everyone responds differently so what works best for one person may not be affective for another. In my case, I am learning to be more subtle and meaningful with my attempts to meet her needs.<P>Good luck on your Plan A,<BR>Lonely Boy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by LonelyBoy (edited August 27, 2001).]

misunderstood:<P>To answer the question of your title: Yes, you can "overkill" in Plan A, and it can cause problems down the line in your marriage. Plan A is supposed to be for you to learn new marital skills---eliminating lovebusters, and meeting emotional needs in the way your spouse would like them met. But it must be sustainable---you shouldn't be commiting to changes that you can't sustain over the course of the marriage. That would violate the policy of joint agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). The things you are trying to do for your husband must be things that will not cause you resentment---otherwise, they'll cost you down the line.<P>You might also let your husband know what your top unmet need is and see if he's willing to put effort there. If he's not (because of an affair)---in Plan A, you should drop it. It's OK to voice an opinion during Plan A, but it's not OK to constantly badger them.

Hi, hope my recent ecperiences will be of some help. I've only been doing plan A about four weeks. It has been going really well but my H started phoning less and less often (works away Mon to Fri). Someone replied to one of my posts about this and suggested that I was being too "Needy" and he was trying to distance himself by not returning calls. This last weekend, therefore, as well as doing all the plan A stuff, no LBs and biting my tongue when he said one or two things which seemed unfair, you know, the stuff we all do in plan A, I also looked out for clues of when he needed to be alone and gave him the space he seemed to be asking for. So, when on Saturday, he dissapeared into the attic at 5pm, came down briefly for our evening meal, then dissappeared again...not to be seen again until the next morning...I just ignored it (even though I was sectretly V. annoyed). I've learned that plan A for me works better if I have the sort of conversations we used to have before the A, try to think about his EN although this is difficult when you don't know which ones weren't being met before! BUT...if he seems to be getting irritated in any way...I just back off...go into another room and do something by myself or just sit quietly...Isuppose what I'm doing is plan A, but since one of my Hs ENs seem to be MORE TIME ALONE at the moment, thats what he got this weekend. It worked really well...Hope this helps...Plan A without any smothering! Its hard, because as soon as something seems to be working, I just want to do more of it, but it seems to be best to do something nice for them and then back off for a bit. I think thats what Lonelyboy is saying as well about a more subtle approach....Good Luck!<P>Wounded One

Yes, Wounded One, that is exactly the type of subtle approach I was refering to. When we see some positive reaction to our Plan A's we naturally want to do more of whatever we did to get such a reaction. I think it's easy to overkill, especially early on in Plan A. <P>I've noticed that whenever my WS and I have a good day together, she starts to become distant and moody again that evening and usually runs off the next day to spend some time with the OM. While it has been hard to deal with the knowledge that she's finding comfort with another man, I have been holding back the LB's and telling her that I understand her need for some time away from me even if it hurts me deeply. The only way she can see her way through the fog is to explore her emotions and in time she will know what to do. <P>This approach has actually had some effect because the more time she gets to know this OM outside of the secret fantasy world they once had, the more she realizes that he's not everything she once thought he was. He's even been LBing lately and starting to make demands of her, which as I've learned, will get him nowhere.<P>Lonely Boy