This was copied from another thread of mine called, "How Long Does Withdrawl Last??" in the Emotional Needs forum. <P>I need feedback, (good or bad) please!!<P>Here's an update on my situation. This is a little long, but will explain my feelings on this issue a little more. <BR>Also, I found out last night that my WS says she is NOT confused. (At least, that is what she claims.) <BR>The following is a letter I wrote to her with the idea of letting her know my feelings w/o being judgemental, controlling, or munipulative. The idea was to allow her to see my point of view w/o LB'ing. Please let me know what you all think about what I said. Do you think this was a LB?<P>(Please note: Everywhere you see a "UPDATE 08/29/01", this was her answer to the question(s).) <P>The names have been changed to protect the guilty:<P>08/28/01<BR>Dear W, <P>Please except this as the only way I can convey my feelings (comfortably) to you w/o you feeling like I am being judgemental, munipulative, or controlling. By writing this down, I can read this over to be sure that I have not said anything that makes you feel this way. I will not lecture you, or try to corner you for any answers to what I am about to say. Please, just listen to what I have to say, and make your own conclusions and/or decisions. I do love you, and don't want to start any fights with you. On the contrary, I think we need to open up friendly lines of communications between each of us. I just want you to know what my feelings are, so you can tell me if I am making more out of this than it really is, or if there is some truth to it. OK?<P>First of all, I am very concerned that your 'rejection' (for lack of a better word) of my love for you is currently getting worse. I notice many 'little things' that lead me to feel this way. (I.E. The way you kiss me in the mornings...You used to give me full body hugs. Now, you seem to make a point of keeping your arms down at your sides, raising only your hands to my face, so that I can't give you a full body hug. You rarely give me any eye contact anymore when I am talking to you. You are always looking in other directions, as if searching for something/someone, etc. I don't know if you realize this or not, but your signal to me feels like: "I just don't want to look at you." (Once again, this is NOT a judgement on you. Just a feeling I get. OK? I hope I'm wrong about this.) <P>When I come up to you on the sofa in the evenings to kiss you, hug you, and gaze (lovingly) into your eyes, you are uncomfortable with this, you look away, it shows, and you will usually ask me something like, "What?" As if you are trying to say, "Please quit trying. I'm not interested in you." (NOT a judgement. Just a feeling I have. Once again, I hope I'm wrong, or I am blowing this out of proportion. Please let me know if I'm wrong. OK?)(UPDATE 08/29/01: She said that she doesn't like being stared at. It makes her uncomfortable. That's all!) <P>I have asked you many times, "What can I do to make you happy?" Your response is always, "I don't know. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now." W, I understand that you are confused right now. (I hope you don't find that judgemental. I don't mean to be, so if you are NOT confused...Please let me know. OK?) (UPDATE 08/29/01: This is where she told me that she is NOT confused. She knows how she feels, and is currently NOT in love w/ me.) But, if you can tell me specific things I can do to make you more comfortable with me, please tell me. OK? (UPDATE 08/29/01: (She said she didn't know what to tell me about what I can do.)<P>One thing you did say to me the other day that gives me some hope was, "BS, please be patient w/ me. I am trying to fall in love." When I asked, "With me?" You said, "Who else am I married to? Yes, you!" This really made me feel good! I really hope you meant what you said. (If not, please tell me so. OK?)<P>W, I will be patient w/ you. I hope this means that you realize that this may take some time, because for you to ask me to be patient with you, means that you are not in any hurry to develope these feelings immediately or else! Is this a correct statement? (UPDATE 08/29/01: She said she is trying to sort out her feelings, and it would be nice to fall in love w/ me, but says there has been no change in her feelings yet. And, says she doesn't know how long she can continue this way.) <P>I know that trust has been a major issue w/ us, and I think we both are working on this very hard! I want you to know that I appreciate all of your efforts. You really made me feel good the other day, when you asked me if I wanted to go w/ you to visit w/ friends of yours! I know it's just a little thing, but I was happy you asked me! (UPDATE 08/29/01: At this point she told me that she really wanted to go by herself, but knew I would panic or freak out with her absence.) <P>W, just the little things you do for me are very much appreciated by me! I know that I have a long way to go in order to earn your love and trust, and I will continue trying to do just that! <P>You mean the world to me, and your happiness is all that I want! Please believe me, when I say this, because I really mean it! I want you to be who you want to be. I want you to feel like you can do anything you want to do, and know that I will support you and validate you in everything you do. <P>I know that I have been difficult to live with, especially lately. And, I know that you are seeing a part of me that you have never seen before. I realize that (probably) a part of you doesn't know how to deal with this new person I've become. I am trying with all that I am to make sure that we have a chance to find a love for each other that neither of us knew exists! A true and deep love that we both can feel proud of! I will promise you that I will never stop trying to show you this love. And, at the same time, I will attempt to NOT smother you. I know this is an issue for you. I'm sorry for your feeling this way, because I really don't mean to smother you. (UPDATE 08/29/01: She had no comment on this.) <P>You know, it's kind of funny, but when you get a "Wake-Up" call like the one you gave me, it shocks you into action! Know what I mean? When you pursue someone (for the fear of loosing their love) you find yourself falling "In Love" with them all over again! I am in love with you, W! For the first time in a long time! I am truly infatuated with you! You are my every thought of every day! I love your looks, your inner beauty, your smell, your clothes, everything about you turns me on! (UPDATE 08/29/01: She had no comment on this.) <P>All I ask of you is to just think for a moment about this................................<P>What if I weren't here tomorrow? How would you feel about what could have been between us today? (UPDATE 08/29/01: She said she didn't know how she would feel, cause I've always been there.) <P>Or, what if I (eventually) gave up on ever being able to earn your love, and left you forever, or found someone else to love? How would that make you feel? (UPDATE: She had no comment on this. She just shrugged her shoulders.) <P>Maybe you don't know the answers to these questions, but (as you know) anything can happen. <P>I am trying to live every day with the thought that there may never be a tomorrow! What would I do if I lost you tomorrow? I would want to know that I did my best to make you happy, and loved you with all of my heart, so that if tomorrow never comes........I'm at peace with myself knowing that I gave of myself and all that I am for someone I love as much as myself. Does this make any sense? Just something to think about...<P>I love you, W.<P>BS<P>(UPDATE 08/29/01: After I had finished reading this letter to her, she really had nothing to say except, "BS, I know how you feel. And, I'm sorry. But, nothing has changed. I don't know what to tell you but that we both are trying. I have seen the change in you. Mainly, in your showing affection towards me. And, It's nice. But, my feelings haven't changed since D-Day. I will continue to try, but I can't make you any promises. OK?" I said, "OK. Can we both just focus on the positive things?" She said, "Isn't that what we have been doing?" I said, "Yes, but haven't we made any progress in the last couple of weeks?" She said, "Yes. Things have been more positive, and I thing we have moved a little forward. But, don't try to over-anylize things! Don't corner me, and ask me if I feel anything yet! OK?" I said, "OK. I love you.") <P>We kissed and hugged each other, and went on w/ our regular evening. <P>Please tell me what you guys think about what I did. Was this the right thing to do, or should I just keep my mouth shut? Thanks for any advice you may offer!<P>HT <P>
