How can you tell whether financial support is<BR>a must-fill EN? (Or what any of spouse's EN's are while in plan A?)<P>Spouse doesn't seem to want to give up my salary, so moving to get us a fresh start doesn't appeal. So should I drop that part of plan A? (Where you suggest a fresh start every once in a while?)<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bgentle (edited September 05, 2001).]

Hi:<P>Welcome to MB. There is so much here to help you. Have you read the MB basic concepts on this web site, especially the part about ENs? There is a questionnaire that a couple can use to determine their most important ENs. Do you think your spouse will fill his/hers out with you? Dr. Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" which is available from this web site or at bookstores is very helpful. It contains the EN questionnaire also.<P>Don't worry about feeling "exposed" on the forum. Many people have been in the same place you are and have felt the same confusion and pain. Things will get better. Keep posting and trust folks to help. Your identity is totally anoymous. <P>What is your spouse's attitude to rebuilding the marriage? <BR>If you post a summary of your situation, people can be more helpful. <P>Yes, financial support is a critical EN for some, but I assume you would just have a reduced income if you move, not a lack of income. Does your spouse have an income also?<P>Plan A involves avoiding hurtful actions - love busters - while working on being a supportive spouse who meets EN. You help the WS trust that you offer a safe place for them to return after the A.<P>If OP is nearby, moving might still need to be an option if WS does not practice no contact. If forcing a move is a big LB for spouse, you will want to look at other options.<P>Do you mean a fresh start as in redoing your plan A or as in starting over in a new town?<P>Keep posting Bgentle. Take care.

D-Day was very recent. (We were definitely both in withdrawal in our marriage, but I'm not anymore.) I am deeply afraid that if WS knew I was posting here, that would be a big LB. But WS is on long business trip (planned long before D-Day) and I have no other support (see below). So if I quit posting, you will know that it was by WS request and S is meeting my EN so that I don't have to come here! <P>When S requested that I not share our situation with others, I had the sense to say that I would try for a while but I couldn't be silent forever, so at least I don't have the guilt of breaking a promise, but I still have the knowledge that I am doing something S would rather I not do. I held out as long as I could, and I found the safest (I think) place I could, but since S doesn't want me to do this, am I totally blowing plan A? <P>When S returns from business trip, should I confess that I got so lonely I had to do something so I posted here? Or should that kind of LB honesty wait until recovery? If I confess that I posted here, will he lose the trust that I am safe to return to, that I will keep privacy private? If I don't confess, then I am starting down the road of keeping secrets. I am fairly sure that when S returns from business trip, we will spend enough time together that I won't need to post so badly and I will probably just go back to lurking here. I appreciate those who care about lurkers! I love the ability to get several views on a given situation. If I ever get to plan B, I'm sure I'll post a lot!<P>To answer your questions: <BR>I have read a LOT, including 2 of Harley's (His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair) and lurking here for a while.<P>Spouse is willing to show care for me but states that it is<BR>impossible to drop OP. (in fact, is filling my EN better than since early marriage, except for the unwillingness (or inability?) to drop OP. And I would rather have this honesty than have spouse lie and continue with OP.) I currently do not want to know anything about OP (except an announcement of discontinuation of relationship!), though this may change.<P>I meant fresh start as in moving, maybe to another COUNTRY! <BR>But how can you ever know WS really dropped OP with email available?<P>God loves me, and that will be enough for today.<P>Bgentle (this is my goal, especially toward myself.)<P>

Hello Bgentle,<P>I'm sorry to be slow in responding. I've had really a hard time on the net tonight, very, very slow. I will post more tomorrow.<P>Please don't lose hope. I understand your desire not to go against your S's wishes about talking about what is happening. However, you are trying to deal with this alone, and you need support! It's not fair to ask you to deal with this alone. I'm concerned that your S is trying to protect him/herself and is not concerned about your needs. This time so close to d-day is a time of anguish anyway and add to that the fact that the OP is still in the picture, it's too hard to do it alone. So keep posting and tell your S when he/she returns if the subject comes up. I'm sure he/she would prefer an anonymous forum to talking to friends and family. <P>I'm sure with your reading, you know that sooner or later the OP has to be out of the picture. Your S may not be to that point yet. Use plan A and be as calm (Ha...) and patient as you can. This is going to take some time. S has to realize the terrible mistake he/she made then begin to go through the steps to recovery.<P>Try to keep busy any way you can. More tomorrow.<P>One more thing. There are a lot more members who read the Qeneral Question II board. You might cconsider posting over there if you want more replies.<BR>Estes