Whew, what a crazy ride. This is my first post here. Luckily I found this site the day after I found my wife with another man. Fortunately, Plan A was already how I was acting. I want to commend Dr. Harley for this website and to let anyone else know that Plan A does make a difference. Though its tough at times especially since the incentive you get back from your spouse is in my case almost nothing, by never straying from this plan my wife has gone from packing her bags and moving out to wanting to slow this all down and give some time to think. It has reminded her of why she married me and has let her know that it is not a huge effort for me to be the person she needs. If you can act as you do in Plan A going through the absolute worst time in your life you will easily be able to do it when you are getting more incentive with your spouse. I am writting this to commend the plan and to inspire people like myself that even though it can be tough at times don't ever give up. Your marriage is too important not to try everything you can to save it.<BR>

I am so glad things are looking up to you. Wish I could say that in my case. WH is still in fog. Says he is leaving but as of today is still here. I just wish he would open up and tell me his feelings. I will be praying for you.<P><BR>(spoken aloud from the mind) mine

Still love him, thank for the prayer and I will return the favor. Don't get me wrong she still says she's leaving soon but instead of abslolution now she's worried she's making a huge mistake. I guess this is the fog everyone talks about. I know everyone's situation is unique but if this fails at least I know in the end that I didn't do anything to push her away even more. I think if I come away from this divorced thinking I didn't do everything I could that would be the hardest thing to live with. Best wishes towards you and don't give up.

Don't stop! Plan A does work, I'm living proof. I think it serves two purposes: 1) by addressing the emotional needs of WS, it trains BS to not LB and meet those ENs 2) a significant distraction from the trauma you just experienced. <P>I truly believe that if te BS spends all their energy Plan Aing, not only will your WS ENs be met, but it helps stop your mind from wandering and dwelling on the A. This is at least the way it worked for me.<P>Don't stop, keep posting and reading. Pretty soon you'll wake up and have your loving spouse back.<BR><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

Goodguy, yeah I think plan A improved my relationship with S too, but if it isn't enough to get rid of OP, well, from reading all these posts, lots of times it looks like plan A is not enough and you have to know that you might have to go to plan B. All the same, this is a great place to get support. Keep up the good work.<P>scarlet, I agree about plan A distracting me some from the pain, and definitely learning to not give LBs will make me a better person no matter what the outcome, BUT.. S gone on business trip 10 days (planned before D-Day) and with noone to practice plan A on I am losing my way.

Scarlet,<P>It sounds like the plan really helped you. I'd like to hear more of the details, if you will share, of what you did to avoid any mistakes you made and to make sure to do what worked for you. Thanks for the encourgement.

I assembled my Plan A based on what I read here. I read all about ENs, LBs and the steps of recovery. I did have my stumbling points, but I quickly recognized them and corrected it. <P>A little background; My W is not a good communicator, she wanted nothing more then to not say a word about the A. For me, the EA part of the A was more devestating than the PA. I wanted her love back PRONTO! In addition to my W dealing w/ the guilt of the A, she also had to wrestle w/ terminating a pregnancy due to A.<P>Early on I sat down with her and discussed (mostly onesided) EAs to find which apply to her. She gave me some direction but not much. I was fortunate that I was able to immediatly identify short comings in myself and made significant effort to change them, immediately and forever. It's also important to isolate LBs right away and stop them. For example, there were things about me, that I knew annoyed my W, but did nothing to change pre-A. It's those things I started with, your spouse defines LBs not you. It was a huge LB to discuss the A at all, so I didn't do it. As much as it pained me, I didn't do it, I came here instead and discussed what I could w/ my friends here. You can try to avoid mistakes, but it's inevitable you will err. Just be prepared to identify when it happens and apologize to your spouse right away.<P>On this site, I read something great that went like this: "Instead of asking 'Why doesn't my spouse love me?' ask 'Why should my spouse love me?'". You will feel like a doormat, inadequate and unloved, get ready for that. But over time, you will see that if you are Plan Aing properly your spouse will start to turn around. One day they will show you a little something that the fog lifting, don't worry, you won't miss it, you will embrace it and make every second last. THIS is what kept my Plan A going. Everytime my W shows signs of a fog lift or affection/feelings for me, it drove me to Plan A harder. This in turn lifted her fog more and her feelings grew which in turn motivated me even more. See a pattern? <P>This of course is how it worked for me. I will say, that the changes I made 6 months ago are still in tact. It's important that your spouse know the changes you make in you are forever, not just something you're doing to win her back. I'm here 6 months later, in a place I never though I'd be. She's even told me that she's in-love w/ me again, this was huge for me. When I asked her that right after d-day, all she could say is 'I think so'. One more thing I decided to do, is to not ask about her feelings for OM. I feel it will keep a 'face' on them and keep bringing them back to the surface. It's not productive to dwell on those, you can't change them or take them away. All you have control of is how your spouse feels about YOU, so work on that. Don't waste your time trying to knock OP out of her mind, you won't be able too, just try to better your position in the scheme of things. <P>Sorry for the ramble, but you asked for it..hehehe. I hope some of this helps, feel free to email me if you need anymore info.<P>One more thing, I read your other post. You should know that all contact w/ OM ended right after d-day, that was huge in our recovery. It seems your W is still in contact, so you have aspects I haven't dealt with. It is so important that contact ends right away and forever. <P>Good luck <P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by scarlet pumpernickle (edited September 11, 2001).]