Hi, <BR>I haven't posted here as often as I probably should but I try to read the forums as often as I can when I'm online. <P>I have been in Plan A for about 6 weeks now and while it has been a real rollercoaster ride, there has been some signs of improvement in the past couple of weeks. I have been very carefull to fulfill my WS EN's and been able to refrain from LB's for the most part. The couple of times I had LB'd, I was quick to apologise and smooth things over immeadiately afterwards.<P>My current dilema is how to handle the situations when my children are commiting major LB's directed at my WS. I have 3 children, the oldest 2 being teenagers who are now aware of my wifes A. My daughter in particular is very upset with her and constantly insults her and makes life miserable, not only for my wife, but for the rest of the family as well. <P>I've tried to talk with them and explain that this problem is really between me and my wife and that we are trying to solve our problems but that it was difficult with all the conflict she was causing. I told her it was OK to feel the way she did and explain that she's not able to fully understand how her mother was feeling about her life right now. I asked her to please refrain from starting fights and just let us work things through. She said she would try to keep her opinions to herself and let us work it out.<P>Things seemed to settle down for awhile until the other day, we had a very nice time all day and my wife conceded that she was seriously contemplating dumping the OM and re-committing herself to our marriage. Later that evening my daughter and her had a major fight which caused my wife to leave the house and stay at a hotel for the night. <P>She called me later that evening, crying and said that she felt that no matter how hard we tried to make things work, she'd never be able to handle living in the same house under the adversarial conditions being created by my daughter. I agree with her, the constant tension is working against the best intentions of my Plan A and I'm not sure what I should do next. <P>My wife is now talking about moving out for awhile to try and ease the tension, not so much between us, but between her and my daughter. I think that might be a good idea but just not sure how my Plan A can combat the negative atmosphere at home. Has anybody else had to deal with a situation like this?<P>Lonely Boy

double post<p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited September 13, 2001).]

I take it the children are yours from a previous marriage?<P><B>My daughter in particular is very upset with her</B><BR>That’s okay & expected.<P><B> and constantly insults her and makes life miserable, not only for my wife, but for the rest of the family as well. </B><BR>It only makes you life as miserable as you will allow it.<P><B>I've tried to talk with them and explain that this problem is really between me and my wife </B><BR>The stuff in the marriage is your problem but your wife having an affair is EVERYONE in the familiy’s problem INCLUDING THE CHILDREN!<P><B>we are trying to solve our problems but that it was difficult with all the conflict she was causing.</B><BR>DO NOT TELL YOUR CHILD THE MARRIAGE FAILURE IS HER FAULT!<BR>That is <B>EXACTLY</B> what you are doing!<P>They have conflict. It is normal in this situation. Do not try to place the blame on them for what is going on with your wife.<P><B>I told her it was OK to feel the way she did and explain that she's not able to fully understand how her mother was feeling about her life right now. I asked her to please refrain from starting fights and just let us work things through.</B><BR>It’s okay to feel bad but keep it to yourself? An argument can only exist as long as both parties allow it to.; Don;t argue. Tell your wife to NOT argue. Just let it drop. For now. You can bring the subject up again later when everyone is calm.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<B>I take it the children are yours from a previous marriage?</B><P>No, this is my first and only marriage. In fact my daughter who is causing the problem with my wife is hers from a previous marriage. I probably should point out that she is 17, going on 18, so she is very aware of the situation.<BR> <BR><B>It only makes you life as miserable as you will allow it.</B><P>Yes, this is true but when I’m trying to carry out a Plan A, it seems that every positive moment I make with my wife is eventually damaged by the negativity generated by my daughter.<BR> <BR><B>The stuff in the marriage is your problem but your wife having an affair is EVERYONE in the familiy’s problem INCLUDING THE CHILDREN!</B><P>I know this, as does my wife. Her actions have had an impact on the entire family, not just on our relationship. I have been talking with a counselor and working hard at resolving the issues between my wife and myself. While my wife may still be in the fog so to speak, she has also been seeking counseling and trying to sort out her emotions too. The problem with my daughter is that she has no interest at this point in helping to bring the family together or healing the relationship between her mother and herself. I have urged her to go to counseling or to at least speak calmly and openly with us in order to come to some understanding but she will not co-operate at all. I hope that as some time, as her pain heals, she can forgive her mother and reconcile their differences.<P><BR><B>DO NOT TELL YOUR CHILD THE MARRIAGE FAILURE IS HER FAULT!<BR>That is EXACTLY what you are doing!<BR>They have conflict. It is normal in this situation. Do not try to place the blame on them for what is going on with your wife.</B><P>Neither my wife, nor I have ever blamed the children for our marital problems and my daughter is well aware that she is not the reason for our problems or my wife’s affair. However my daughter’s disrespectful behavior is a contributing factor to my wife’s desire to move out of the house. She is seriously considering a separation, not because she wants to leave me or so she can spend more time with the OM, but to escape the daily harassment my daughter subjects her to.<P><BR><B>It’s okay to feel bad but keep it to yourself? An argument can only exist as long as both parties allow it to.; Don;t argue. Tell your wife to NOT argue. Just let it drop. For now. You can bring the subject up again later when everyone is calm.</B><P>All this is true as you say, but what you have to remember is that as the BS, I am the one who has read the books, and studied the MB philosophies, and have the interest is saving my marriage. I have been implementing a Plan A that I feel has been achieving some success over a relatively short period of time. The real problem is that my wife is still unsure about how she feels with regards to saving our marriage and my daughter’s stated goal is to not only drive my wife out of our home but also out of her life. It’s easy to say “don’t argue”, and I haven’t for the most part, I play the role of peacekeeper and negotiator between the two of them. However I have no control over my wife’s decisions to continue the arguments and inflame the conflict with my daughter. They both have the exact same personality and have always had a tendency to butt heads with each other over other issues in the past. If I could control my wife’s angry outbursts and argumentative nature, I probably wouldn’t have a number of the problems existing in my marriage in the first place. This is one aspect of the family relationship where I have no control or input, all I can do is try to make peace between them and offer advice or guidance. <P>I just feel that despite my best efforts, my marriage and my family for that matter are destined to fail because of these “outside” distractions.<P>Lonely Boy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by LonelyBoy (edited September 14, 2001).]

Difficult situation.<P><B>I play the role of peacekeeper and negotiator between the two of them.</B><BR>My advice? Don’t get in the middle, don’t play peacekeeper. Inevitably, you will be seen as choosing sides and this will alienate the other person to you.<P><BR><B>She is seriously considering a separation, not because she wants to leave me or so she can spend more time with the OM, but to escape the daily harassment my daughter subjects her to.</B><BR>Very, very doubtful she is wanting a separation only because of your daughter.<P>Is the om around at all? I’ll give you 1000 to 1 odds he is. Your wife can use the children as an excuse to get out and continue with him.<BR>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><P>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited September 14, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited September 14, 2001).]

Hi,<P>I wonder if the daughter is harbouring PAST resentment as well as current towards her mother...this is the second marriage, so somewhere along the line, that little girl got hurt once before and doesn't like it happening again. You have to see it from the daughter's point of view.<P>My son is 8. He was LB'ing at my H all the time, saying stuff like "You can't do that, you don't LIVE HERE any more." etc. Now the advice I got in D/D was to just let him do it, because he had feelings too, and H ought to be made aware of this. It affects the WS's thinking, but it can be helpful....my son would not talk to H on the phone recently...H emailed me, said he would be phoning us on a specific day, and asked me to try to get son to talk to him....well when he phoned I asked son, he said okay, but if he hadn't I wasn't getting involved. My son has some issues with his dad, they are tough, and it is up to the dad, not me to smooth this over. After all H caused this mess.<P>Does this help? You can love your daughter, be supportive of her, let her air her opinions, and be there for her. Because she feels, whether you know it or not, and whether she even does on a conscious level, that her mum has abandoned her...and unfortunately she is old enough to know all the details of what that means. But she is entitled to her own anger and grief about it, and I for one, would allow her to have it.<P>One other thing, your w is manipulating you by trying to get you to placate the daughter....that is HER job, and she should darn well do it!!!

Lonely boy<P>I have the same problem with my children (17 and 10) the 17 year old is from my first marriage, the 10 yearold is mine and my H. I just try not to get in the middle of them. I have told both my H and S that they need to talk to my H. My 17 and H hardly speak. He has seen my H treat me like sh-t and he thinks he can too. I have talked to both about this and just try to enforce the rules with the kids. This is the hardest thing to deal with. Then watching the kids hurt is also killing me. BTW I am the BS. Good luck and maybe C for the D. I have told my H if the kids need C They will get it. Check with the school and see if they can help you.

I'd like to thank everyone who replied, I appreciate your input.<P>My daughter may very well have some resentment built up from past experiences and have a feeling of abandonment. She was barely a year old when her biological father left her and my wife and there was very little contact with him the following year or so afterwards and has not had any contact for close to 15 years. She has no memories of him and only knows the stories which my wife has told her. <P>My wife's X had many affairs before walking out on the family and that is one of the reasons my daughter is so resentful of my wife's A. She feels that her mother is a hypocrite because she knows how badly she was hurt when her marriage broke up and her family was abandoned for another person. My daughter now feels that her mother is doing the very same thing to her family. I fully understand her viewpoint and do support her so far as how she feels inside, I have only asked her to communicate in a more respectful manner.<P>My daughter's behaviour has caused a new development in our situation. Her outbursts forced my wife to spend the night in a hotel for the third time in the past 4 days. The last time, over this past weekend, my wife decided she'd had enough and broke it off with the OM. She came home to tell me she wants to try and save our marriage and our family and has told the OM not to have ANY contact with her. <P>Now on the surface this may appear to be a step in the right direction but I'm unsure of just how sincere her decision may be. I believe she may be trying to work things out, not because it's what she really wants to do, but because she feels she is obligated to try for her children's sake and because "that is what everyone wants her to do". She still has very strong feelings for the OM and is unsure if she can re-gain her feelings of love for me. <P>After making this decision, she has been very depressed and withdrawn from me. I guess this is fairly normal under the circumstance and I can only hope that she is sincere and wil give her full effort to try and work things out. I guess I'm just a bit skeptical right now.<P>Lonely Boy

Hopefully, this is a good thing. Your W needed to see what the costs of a divorce or separation were going to be, and she saw that vividly without your ever having to do plan B. 3 nights in 4 spent away from home. Now you have to expect her normal symptoms of withdrawal from the OM. <P>I would simply re-double the focus on plan A and no LB from you to your wife. Like others advised, you should be real careful about attempting to mediate between your wife and daughter, who is practically an adult.