My husband left me 4 months ago, didnt have an affair, but said he didnt love me anymore. We have been seeing each other once or twice a week as "friends" over the last 2 months, his idea to see if his feelings will return for me. It is very painful for me to do as he shows me no affection at all. How can I plan A if I cannot show him any love or affection?<P>I text him 2 or 3 times a day to tell him I love him or am missing him. Should I do this or am I making him feel pressured or guilty for not feeling like this? I dont know what to do for right or wrong. I write him poems sometimes telling him how I feel about him.<P>I just find this so painful to do, we go out and have a great day together like we used to, and then go to our own homes. It has been 2 months now and there is no progress. Is there anything else I can do to help my situation? I would be greatful for any advice. <P>Thanks<P>Lynne

I would love it if someone answered this post. I am in a similar boat. My husband had an EA with a woman who was practically a sister to me (my mother is a surrogate to her, her kids consider my parents a set of "grandparents"). He is very confused, says he loves both of us, but doesn't know if he is "in love" with me anymore because our relationship isn't passionate (a problem that could be worked on) and hasn't ever been (I have been depressed for a number of years and so I am not a hot potatoe in the sack (yet another thing that was starting to change because I in the past 6 months I have been recently "in the modd" more). There are other things...no connection with me....wants a soulmate, doesn't know if it is with me. He reflects back to other relationships and wonders what could have been (all relationships he is comparing us to are short term). <P>We have been together 6 years, married just over 2. He is 23 (24 in October) and I am 25. We married at 21 and 23. Yes, kinda young. I feel like these are growing pains for him, he wants to see who the hell he is. He said once recently that he felt the relationship was his identity. But I just don't understand, why give me up. He says he loves me, but he can't love me the way I want, at least not now. He says he has nothing left to give. He says he can't talk to me (but he can to her) and that is a problem (actually he can't talk to anyone, only her so it is a big problem). He says he is too tired and hurt to work on anything, he just wants out.<P>He dropped the bomb on July 18th. We lived together for another month then he said he wanted a trial separation. I went nuts, was hospitalized, hysterical, depression and anxiety meds, a traditional nervous breakdown. I am still not back to normal. I haven't been home since then, went from the hospital to my parents, kept in contact tried to win him back. He just kept getting more and more hostile toward me, talked to me less and less and started to twitch more and more when I was near him (he couldn't be relaxed). Last week he said he wanted a divorce, he felt he was "prolonging the inevitable" and moved out to our friends house. He bought a new car and just signed a lease for an apartment (suspiciously down near the OW's house since he hates commuting that far and the rent isn't any cheaper than something much closer to work and other friends). He is being really nice about how to split up the bills, but I just don't understand.<P>He won't talk to me unless it is about our bills or pets. I still really don't know what is going on or why? All I know is that I continuously tell him I love him and it doesn't matter. So now we are separated, he has cut off communication with me, he is reading "Crazy Time" (pretty anti reconciliation that book is, it kinda disgusted me) and trying to pretend I never happened.<P>I want to continue plan A, plan B will not work for him, he would never cahse, that just isn't him. I just have to show him that I can love him more than anyone else could and hope he sees that and wants that for himself.<P>So please answer, I am so confused and I need some help!

I'm in a similar boat- separated, but my wife and I see each other almost every day with the kids. I give her what affection and attention she'll allow- a hug when we part, and my sincerest attention to whatever she'll tell me about her day. <P>I suspect the "text messages" and poems are too much for him- if he shows you no affection in person, such reminders in his "in box" probably make him feel guilty. Search around for the "Dobson" or "tough love" letter- you can probably find it in the Divorced/Divorcing forum. Pressure to return makes you look desperate, and no one falls in love because the object of his/her affections is desperate.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dabigtrain:<BR>I suspect the "text messages" and poems are too much for him - if he shows you no affection in person, such reminders in his "in box" probably make him feel guilty. Search around for the "Dobson" or "tough love" letter- you can probably find it in the Divorced/Divorcing forum. [b]Pressure to return makes you look desperate, and no one falls in love because the object of his/her affections is desperate.[/b/<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree, too many messages are probably a LB for him. I'm not sure about Dobson just yet, though. DObson's Tough Love is diametrically opposite of MB, so be careful with that.<P>I was also forced to Plan A from a distance, as my WH moved OUT before I even knew he was having A. He wrote me a note saying he was filing, then moved in with her, his atty mailed me d. papers all in the same day! That was in May. I had absolutely NO contact w/him for over 2 months. He had said in his note that he wanted NONE. I honored that. I didn't know what to do. I found this site, or surely I would have lost my mind during that time.<P>If I had contacted my WH during that time, especially if I had contacted him every day during that time, I KNOW we would already be d'vd! However, I did start to write him letters, after about 2 months, non-threatening letters, NOT about "us." He seemed to enjoy that (according to his son - see he STILL did not contact me). Then we had a major flood and I was forced to call him for money to fix it, and our conversation was "nice." So now, if I feel like it, I call him to "chat" - he won't initiate, but he WILL talk to me, sometimes as long as an hour! (YIKES! The phone bill!! OW lives in another part of the state, he moved there).<P>Recently, he gave me his cell# and his and her work hours...when she leaves for work....type of thing, as if to say "Call me when she's not around." I haven't yet, but I will! See, I don't "smother" him, I give him space, he CHOSE this new life.....I want him to LIVE IT fully. He'll get tired of it, or see that it's no different than the life he has HERE< except she can't love him like I do, and he'll make the decision to come home.<P>As far as meeting ENs, YOU do the survey. I did. I did it for both of us. I know what his EN's are, and I'm trying to meet as many as I can long distance. For instance, I know my H likes to be admired (most men do), so I always include some "building up" message in my letters. Puff him up. It's OK, he needs it!<P>...bigtrain, try to find other EN's to give your W, also. I know affection is good, BUT if she's getting that from OM, she may dislike it from you....unless she reciprocates. Just try to tell her how good she looks, smells, whatever, notice if she seems to have lost weight, or new clothes. WOmen are mostly vain (don't bash me, folks, I'm NOT, but I still like a compliment from a guy!!!), so they like to be told they look GOOOOOD. <P>Hope this helps you all.....we're in this together, and we can learn something every day.<P>God Bless,<BR>Lupo<BR>

Lupo wrote:<P>I know my H likes to be admired (most men do), so I always include some "building up" message in my letters. Puff him up. It's OK, he needs it!<P>I know my husband needs this also, but I'm so brain dead right now I have a hard time thinking of things to say...ways to "puff him up". His OW was very, very good at that, she has perfected the art of it, so I already feel intimidated about it. Can someone give me some ideas of how to meet the Admiration EN? Thanks.<P>Kim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I know my husband needs this also, but I'm so brain dead right now I have a hard time thinking of things to say...ways to "puff him up". His OW was very, very good at that, she has perfected the art of it, Can someone give me some ideas of how to meet the Admiration EN? Thanks.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I suspect that OW's have this art perfected, since it DOES seem to be "what they use" (after sex, of course) to get our WS's away from home. But if she did it, and she doesn't know him as well as you do, YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!!<P>OK, what I did was, I went to a thread someone started about "10 Things I Love About My Spouse" and everyone contributed. If you do a search, you might find it, only a couple of weeks ago, I think.<P>Anyway, I read through them for "inspiration" - and just adjusted them for my own H. In a word processed document, I saved all the ones that applied,or that I could think of to add. Then I started mailing him little note cards. Not often, just about one every other week or so. NOTHING written in them, just wrote at the top "10 Things I Love About My H" See? Then I list the 10. Sign it, Love, Lupo. It's done! Make SURE these are things you genuinely love about him, he'll pretty much know if it's fake.<P>I keep adding to the list, so I never run out of "ammunition" - so to speak - so that when there's no other reason to contact him, I can fall back on these! I write and say, "ANOTHER 10 Things....." OK? You can do this. It REALLY seems to have "melted the ice" between us. We talk on the phone now! At least once a week, and laugh and carry on.....you wouldn't know we are a separated couple in the midst of all this to listen to our conversation.<P>Lupo<BR>