... how do you folks go day by day without talking to WS about "us"? How do you act and talk like normal again, when you know WS is still talking to OM and doesn't want to work on the M?<P>How do you plan A if she doesn't let you? Or says things to hurt you? She knows I am improving and she seems to resent it. She wants me to give up trying. To look for another. She keeps being honest with me and tells me she loves this OM and she doesn't want us to be romantically involved again. Friends yes, lovers or more than friends no. <P>She says she doesn't want her EA to be just a frivolous A, they are choosing to take things slow. Do things right, the second time around.<P>They/she seems so serious about this A. Is this a test I have to endure? I say yes ... plan A for six months or more ... but what she says really hurts ... instead of reassurances ... I get discouragement.<P>I am getting discouraged ... someone please tell me that I should continue Plan A because it is good for me and has a side effect of possibly turning her heart as well as a foundation for Plan B? May I ask for encouragement out there? Please? =(<P>Thank you.

re-read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <P>especially this quote:<BR>"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands."<P>I'm sorry I can't offer you the encouragement you ask for. I don't see how "Plan A" applies to your situation.<BR>

Wait - in plan A you are supposed to focus on your own behavior. Ideally your spouse would have no contact with the OM during plan A, but not all of the BS will go along with that. Of those who do, some still contact OM on the sneak. It's not the central focus of plan A and it's not essential.<P>Plan A is not really to win her back. She has to make the decision on her own to come back. You are trying to make sustainable improvements in yourself, and also lay the foundation for plan B if that becomes necessary.<P>You can't look to her for positive encouragement. She might just ignore what you're doing. If she wants you to give up trying and find someone else, that's another one of the typical responses. Possibly it means the she's noticed what you're doing and it makes her feel guilty. If you give up and especially if you find someone else, that justifies what she's done and removes her guilt.<P>Keep it up for as long as you can. If you need to go to plan B, both of you will know that you were improving.

I guess you also need to cut down on the hurtful things that she says. Can you avoid initiating the conversations where that occurs? Can you just do positive things without pointing them out to her?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tmmx:<BR><B>"Keep it up for as long as you can. If you need to go to plan B, both of you will know that you were improving."<P>"I guess you also need to cut down on the hurtful things that she says. Can you avoid initiating the conversations where that occurs? Can you just do positive things without pointing them out to her?"</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you TMMX, I will keep things up.<P>About the hurtful things ... it's when I try to break the wall and try to open things up ... honesty wise ... and ask her what she is thinking etc ... she then sometimes .. not all the time ... but at times opens up and tells me the truth but with a sting ... as if to push me away ...<P>I guess I can give her the space by concentrating on the kids and reminding/inviting her on a daily basis that I am here for her to talk to .. share things with and be there if she needs something I can do for her ... what else can we do?<P>Thanks TMMX.<P>

I am in plan A myself and my ws also resist me. Hang in there, better your self and do not force it if she doesn't let you. I try to fill in one of her EA but she shut me down. Be patience and work on other part of yourself.<P>Just keep in mind those hurtfull words and actions are comming from "the fog" on her head. Hang in there ...<P>------------------<BR>Give your absolute best such that looking back 10 years from now w/ no regret.