Sorry its so long but you need the whole story to get an understanding.<P>I met my W about four years ago, we were both unhappily married at the time. We split from our partners, divorced, and moved in together about 3 months later. It was necessary for me to stay in contact with my ex as I have a child to her, and she continually pursued me to go back to her. <BR>About a year down the line my new relationship was in trouble due to various reasons but mainly because of the hassle from my ex. I ended up having a fling with my ex, as it appeared to me that she cared for me more than my new partner. It was about 3 months before I realised how stupid I was being and told my ex that I did not wish to see her anymore.<BR>At this point my ex told my new partner what had been going on, and my new partner left me. I tried to explain to my partner what had happened and that it was her that I loved and wanted to spend my life with. Three months later she told me that she wanted to come back to me and three months after that we were married.<BR>We have been married now for nearly 2 years and I will admit it hasn’t been easy for my W to deal with what happened especially as I am still in contact with my ex regarding arrangements for seeing my child. We have had our share of ups and downs but always seemed to manage to pull through. <BR>About a month ago now my W told me that she wants to leave me. Her reasons being that she cannot trust me anymore, and that she is no longer in love with me. She is still living with me until our house is sold.<BR>I have discovered that she is seeing her ex H, but she does not know that I know. I have been plan A’ing since she told me that she wanted to leave, although she refuses to discuss anything to do with our relationship.<P>Do I tell her that I know that she is seeing her ex H or should I just continue with plan A? My fear is that once she knows that I know she will distance herself even further from me and make carrying out plan A more difficult.

Hi<B> Ernie</B>, and welcome to Marriage Builders.<P>Your situation, though somewhat unique, isn't all THAT unique.<P>Let me tell you a few things I see, which you probably already know.<P><B>You and your W's relationship began while you were both "unhappily married"... </B><P>That's an affair. Now before you think I'm judging you, I have been where you were (I had an affair myself) and also, I met my current H after my divorce was filed, but before it was final. Many here say that's an affair (legally, as well as morally).<P>That's also a "rebound" relationship. Again, been there.<P>However, you have MARRIED this woman, and your obligation is to HER.<P><B>You then had an affair with your ex-W. </B><P>Yep, it's happened here before, and some would even say it wasn't an affair because you shouldn't have left her in the first place -- marriage is forever. <P><B>So, to recap, you had an affair in your prior marrige with your current wife, and then had an affair on your current wife with your ex-wife. </B><P>You have clearly stated that you want the marriage with the woman you are married to, but she doesn't trust you. Do you blame her?? <P><B>Now you think that she's seeing her ex-H</B><P>Boy, you two had NOT gone through the grieving process for your past marriages AT ALL... what a mess. I compelely FEEL FOR YOU both!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<P>You wonder if this marriage can be saved.<P>YES, it *can* be saved, but the odds are certainly not in your favor.<P><B>BUT YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE -- MARRIAGE BUILDERS HAS HELPED MANY MARRIAGES THAT SEEMED DOOMED BE RESTORED!!!</B><P>Finally, regarding your topic question, if you should tell her you know of her contact with her ex-H...<P>YES, TELL HER.<P>I would like to share our welcome letter with you. Please, please read it through, and pay particular attention to LB's and Plan A.<P>First and foremost though, you need to realize that your relationship with your wife was not built on solid ground. You need to rebuild the foundation, best you can.<P><I>Hello [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!</I><P>In re-reading this, I suppose I come across as a bit harsh. I am sorry about that. I do believe everything I wrote, and mostly that, YES, your marriage can be saved... <P>I hope some others come by and give their opinions.<p>[ October 13, 2001: Message edited by: Nyneve ]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ernie W:<BR><STRONG>Do I tell her that I know that she is seeing her ex H or should I just continue with plan A? My fear is that once she knows that I know she will distance herself even further from me and make carrying out plan A more difficult.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do not tell her. You want her to feel "safe" on her relation w/ OM. You are right about it will make plan A more difficult. It gave you a bit of advantage in term of measuring you plan A's success down the road. You have you chances to tell her when she is out of her fog.<P>My W might think of I am the biggest dumbo in the world to buy her excuses. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

.................well, this is what the Harley's mean when they say relationships built on dishonesty can't survive.......<P>I feel really sorry for you both...you seem like the poster couple for why people should not leave their spouse for the OP.<P>I have to say, however (and go ahead, call me unobjective) I feel much sorrier for the spouses you both gave up to get to the mess you are now in.<P>LLL

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveslabourslost:
<strong>.................well, this is what the Harley's mean when they say relationships built on dishonesty can't survive.......
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>What relations ?. Honesty is a must for recovery, not for WS in the fog.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I feel really sorry for you both...you seem like the poster couple for why people should not leave their spouse for the OP.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hope everyone in this forum should be one, we are in MB not divorce.net.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I have to say, however (and go ahead, call me unobjective) I feel much sorrier for the spouses you both gave up to get to the mess you are now in.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You just lucky that you caught H in the early A and no PA involve ... Yes, me too. I feel sorry for my W, the longer she is in the fog, the longer she has to justify later why I won't do plan C "move on and never look back". She will have a hard time re-building "trust". I do very painfull plan A, just to make sure that I give my absolute best and if that is not enough for W, I bring my best plus new&improve me to someone who will. Arm with knowledge of EN/LB/LBuster, you could make yourself irresistable [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]