The big news that my H wanted to say but couldn't find the right words was that he is sorry. He is sorry about everything from beginning to end.<P>BUT.... he still doesn't want to try to work on our marriage. He doesn't know how.<P>I explained that I just couldn't do this anymore. No matter how much I tried to keep my expectations to a minimum, I always end up getting hurt.<P>I felt this at the Family Day things. I went to that because of him. I was miserable because I wanted to be there with my husband, as a family, not just as somebody who he wanted to show his workplace too. I went so he would not be disappointed. The kids, BTW had a great time.<P>I suppose all things considered, the day was beneficial. It convinced me without a shadow of a doubt that I have to go to plan B in order to maintain my sanity. I have been so afraid of hurting his feelings that I have not been protecting my own.<P>I love him but not enough to allow him to continue living with OW and to be in my life. It is very clear to me now that in order for my heart to heal, I must cut off the source of the pain.<P>It won't be easy but none of this has been easy anyway. We discussed this and he doesn't understand why I have to pull away. He says that there is nothing wrong with us talking. I explained that it causes me pain. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. <P>I told him that I hated to lose. He said " you know who the loser is". I said, you didn't lose, you forfeited the game. If you would just play the game, we could win this together." He just said he was the loser in our situation.<P>What do you do when you and your spouse both want the same things but don't know how to accomplish them.<P>He thinks I will never forgive him and that we will always have to have those "major emotional " conversations. I tried to explain that I wouldn't be trying so hard to convince him that I loved him and that I would do anything to make this work if I didn't feel capable of forgiving him.<P>I've said everything and done everything. He knows how I feel and it is up to him now.<P>I asked him to stay outside in the mornings and I would send the kids out to go to school. This really seemed to upset him but I don't see any other way. By talking to him, offering him leftovers, tylenol, jokes I've heard, whatever.... I am able to fulfill his need for friendship and attention and conversation. <P>I'm not capable of being his friend right now. It hurts because I want to be more than friends. Maybe someday when my emotional wounds heal and I stop wanting him as my H, I will be able to resume a friendship.<P>Please pray for me as I begin this very hard chapter of my life. I have lost my husband and that was out of my control. I am making the decision to go to Plan B and that is more difficult because I am in control of my actions now.<P>Thanks for your support. I will need you all as I've lost my best friend.<P>Lynn

Lynn,<BR>Did you give him your plan B letter to explain your action so that H didn't take it as LB ?. We are sharing your pain and praying for you. Let us know how you are doing. It is scary chapter of MB but you describe it clearly when one should take plan B.<P>Hadi

We talked about this in great detail. I explained that I wasn't trying to hurt him or to be a b****. I just needed time to heal my wounds. I hoped he understood but this morning instead of waiting outside for the kids, he comes on in, showing me some pictures he got developed for our daughter from camp. He rubs my neck while I'm looking at them.<P>He was asking me about the kids clothes, etc and I answered but quickly excused myself to get in the shower. They were almost gone when I got out so I avoided as much contact as possible. <P>I guess I could change the locks????<P>PP

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:<BR><STRONG>I guess I could change the locks????<P>PP</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes you could ... also actually you should not even let him talk to you let alone touch you. Make sure that H knows that you will be there when he is ready to change for you. It is for your own protection ... your feeling. Change your schedule, get email for communication or third party help to minimize direct contact. Most of all, get busy on your life w/o H to avoid big D. Go out w/ your girl friends and treat yourself nicely. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

I say change the locks. He wants to live with someone else - why should he have access to your home?<BR>He should not be allowed to see you, talk to you, touch you!, have any communication with you except by email/mail regarding the kids or legal/financial matters. PERIOD.<P>He says he doesn't want to cause you pain. Make him prove it.<BR>LLL<BR>I]This is about self preservation.[/I]

I revised and gave my H the letter I wrote this morning. It included the lyrics to "Despardo" by the Eagles, because I heard that on the radio Monday and was struck hard with the reality of the words.<P>I also enclosed a copy of a post I printed out from the recovery board. It was posted under "the funny thing about marriage"<P>It was really a similar story to ours and I wanted him to know there was hope for recovery if he could just get past the fear of working on our relationship.<P>See, I don't think that the OW is what is keeping him away. I think he realizes that was not a permenant solution and that he wants to come home. What he doesn't know how to do is deal with the fear. He is depressed and not thinking clearly. He is numb most of the time, still not eating or sleeping well. He is afraid I am not capable of forgiving or forgetting and that I will throw it up in his face constantly. He thinks things will go back to how they were with me caring more about work than him and him feeling anger and resentment towards me but not able to express it.<P>I have tried to explain that counseling would help us work through all these things and that I've learned so much from MB principles and reading. He has also read HNHN and SAA. I don't know how much sunk in because he still says that "somethings are too big to be forgiven for" I guess he has to forgive himself too for breaking our vows, before he can believe that I can let it go. <P>Who knows, I just wanted to post an update.<P>Lynn

Ok, when is enough enough. I told my H last Sat that I needed to stop contact with him, I wrote him a letter that said at least twice that I would like his cooperation in limiting contact. <BR>This morning he calls and says he needs to stay at work to catch the lady about putting the kids on his insurance. He wants to know if I will take kids to school. I said, sure no problem.<P>Then he proceeds to tell me all about how cold it is and how I need to take a jacket with me and the weather report for tomorrow, etc. He asked if I had packed for the kids. I said yes. He said, I'll talk to you this afternoon when I come by to get their stuff.<P>NO, NO, NO!!!! What part of NO doesn't he understand? Now I have to stay away from my own home this afternoon just to avoid him. <P>Friday is the only day I get off work early(1pm) and I like to get stuff done at home so Sat is free. <P>What is it going to take to convince him that I want to be left alone?<P>Any suggestions from Plan B'ers whose WS just couldn't get the message????<P>HELP!!!!!!<P>Lynn<P>--------------------