October 15, 2001<P>Dear (H)<P>I&#8217;ve written to you many times in our relationship. Mostly when things are strained between us and it is too hard to face you. This is probably the hardest of all letters I have ever written because it will end my relationship with you for now. I can no longer accept the fact that you live under the same roof with someone you have slept with. I just can&#8217;t block it out anymore. You say I&#8217;m making more out of it than there is but when you say you don&#8217;t know if you love her or not, it is clear that you are more than roommates. This is just like many other times where your words and your actions don&#8217;t tell the same story. I have always told you I only wanted the truth, not matter how much it might hurt me. Being lied to on purpose hurts more than anything, even if you are just holding back to try to spare my feelings. <P> I need to break away from this so I can keep some of my self-esteem and pride. I simply cannot be in your life while you are still involved with her. If you move out of there and agree to never have contact with her again, I will gladly open my heart to you again. I want to make you happy but I cannot totally sacrifice all that I believe in to do it. I just can&#8217;t go along with what you are doing anymore. It isn&#8217;t right. It isn&#8217;t healthy for me. I have to find a way to get over my feelings of love for you and move on. <P>As we discussed Saturday, I have tried and tried not to let your words and actions convince me that there is hope for us. However, because I love you so much and I want to be with you more than anything, I continue to get my hopes up about the possibility that you want me to be in your life. Then, when time passes and you have not made any efforts to work on our marriage, I just feel more disappointed and upset. <P>The pain of disappointment is becoming to hard for me to bear. It is clear to me that you want to be with me on some level but don&#8217;t know how to keep me happy and have your single & uncomplicated life too. The past 9 months have been incredibly painful. They have been filled with hope and disappointment, joy and tears, fun and sadness. <P>Saturday, I realized that I could no longer continue like this. Right now, I can&#8217;t just be your friend. I&#8217;m not trying to hurt you or to punish you. I just need space and time to detach myself from you emotionally. I don&#8217;t see any other way.<P>Until you end your relationship with OW and move out of her house, I will limiting my contact with you as much as possible. I will try to have kids dressed and ready in the mornings if you want to continue to take them to school. I will write you notes that the children can give you about any upcoming events that affect the children or leave you voice messages.<P>I hope you can respect my decision. This is not what I want but since I can&#8217;t have what I want, I have to find a way to continue living. It will be easier on me if you also try to limit your contact with me. I can only beg for your cooperation. Please help me find a way to get over you or come back to me. <P>I still love you and I still pray you will agree to marriage counseling so we can try to build a new marriage together. However, as long as you are living under the same roof as OW, I cannot allow you to be part of my life. <P>Enclosed is a calendar marking your visitation. Please try to explain to the children why you are not coming home. I do not have an answer for them. They need to understand that you did not leave because of them and that you love them. I have tried to explain it to them but they still have questions, which I can&#8217;t answer. Love them enough to tell them the truth.<P>If you want to talk to me about our relationship, I will listen but until you have ended your affair, there is no hope for our marriage to be rebuilt. Therefore, please respect my decision to live without contact with you. Write or call me when you are ready. Please don&#8217;t think I&#8217;ve given up on our marriage forever. I just don&#8217;t see any reason for me to continue on trying to be your friend or wife when you are choosing to live with another woman. I hope you try to understand my feelings.<P><BR>MB!!! Please help me. I've attempted Plan B on several occasions. This time I have to do it for my own good. Any advise would be greatly appreciated!<P>PP

PP,<P>I don't have much time today, but I think you need to read more about the Plan B letter. I think you can find out about it in NSR's general greeting in the JUST FOUND OUT section.<P>In any event, don't LB. The letter in essence just state you love him, you want that love to survive. Seeing him, talking with him, causing you to lose love for him. So you are going to protect it by ceasing all but the most necessary contact with him.<P>You do a good job of explaining how you are going to deal with the children and communicate (notes with him). He knows the visitation schedule so don't mention it. It will sound like this is a revenge thing.<P>In the end, reinforce that you love him, but cannot deal with him until OW is out of his life.<P>Sorry, I cannot help more right now, but I hope someone else will come along.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I failed to mention that this is my 3rd or 4th attempt at "no-contact", We have 2 children and my H still wants to be friends. In fact, he still thinks of me as his best friend and talks to me more now about work, people, events, etc than he did when he was living here. It's like I'm fulfilling his need for conversation and he really likes to talk to me about general stuff, not relationship stuff or how he feels about anything. We had a 3 hour conversation about things Sat and this letter was intended only as a followup. I didn't see any reason to go into all the detail which we have hashed and re-hashed. <P>He knows I love him. He knows I would do anything for him. He wants to be with me but only when it is good for him. No responsibilities of home, bills, yardwork, etc. I'm supposed to wait around on him to move out from OW's house and not hold it against him that he has had the affair. <P>I have been very understanding. I have told him that I've forgiven him for having the affair. What I can't overlook right now is that it is continuing. He will not stop it by moving out. He has been offered 3 different places to stay but will not move. He likes being way off in the woods, out of contact with people. He can pretend our problems don't exist.<P>Hope this helps explain some of the obvious gaps in my letter.<P>PP

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:<BR><STRONG>I failed to mention that this is my 3rd or 4th attempt at "no-contact", We have 2 children and my H still wants to be friendsPP</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please be strong. Busted plan A is plan A w/ occational LB. Busted plan B is plan B w/ some contact. You could get third party help to drop and pick up kids or even just tell to drop kid in front of the house and wait unitl they are inside and leave ... same thing for pick up ... beep the horn means time to be picked up ... NO CONTACT, you got the idea. It is not for him it is for you. H has sex with OW and has a friend which is you. Show him that you are ready for your self. Think anything that you would of do if H is lost forever. Probably looking for job if you are a home maker. Enhance you skill or go to school to get better paying job if you are currently employed. Go to salon change your look do something that for you to be ready to move on.<P>It has two benefits; you will be ready if H is lost in the fog forever and you will send a clear signal to H to take you seriously or else. This is plan B you had done your duty in plan A and you need this for yourself and your sanity.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I can no longer accept the fact that you live under the same roof with someone you have slept with.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Leave it out. He slept with you, didn’t he? Does this mean he can’t live with you?<P>Rewrite it & try to remove all of the “you” statements.<P><B>I will write you notes that the children can give you </B><BR>DO NOT WRITE THIS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY DO NOT DO THIS! Mail him a letter, send an email, use voicemail or a friend, but under no circumstances should you use the children to deliver messages or notes, verbal or written!<P><B>We have 2 children and my H still wants to be friends. </B><BR>Want in one hand, [censored] in the other & see which one fills up first.<BR>If the divorce goes through, then yes you should remain on good terms, but friends? That is up to you.