On Tuesday 12/21 I gave W my Plan B letter while we in joint counseling. She cried, got angry, etc. I then left for DC with the kids. She had already been out of the house for a week prior to 12/21 so the really sad part was that my boys (ages 5 1/2 & 4) didn't ask for Mom; not once on the 8 hour ride to DC or anytime we where there during Xmas. W's behavior kept her out late until 1 or 2 am during the week to see OM and I did stuff with them all weekend long so not much appeared different to them.<P>Here's my question; W was calling every day around Xmas, crying and wanting to talk to the kids. I finally put them on the phone Xmas morning and they talked very briefly. Now W is calling me daily but refuses to say what she wants to talk to me about. I suggested we meet at my counseling appt. to which she agreed then backed out claiming to have to work. She called the house last night but I didn't answer. The name on Caller ID appears to be the OM but I still haven't verified his last name.<P>How do you politely and civilly avoid contact when the wayward calls; every day, 3-4 times a day? I know she wants to discuss the kids, school, day care, etc. but I have already made all of those arrangements. The only thing we may need to iron out is visitation for her to see the kids. Do I write her with my ideas/requests? <P>I am also confused about my responsibility to W as the provider and protector. She was a stay-at-home mom but working about 15 hr.s a week. She could get a job paying 35K in day if she wanted. I feel responsible to a degree as she is still my wife but I will not support her current lifestyle. I also don't want her to come back because she needs to financially. How much support is proper under the circumstances. My family thinks I'm nuts for even wanting to provide any support at all. I feel morally obligated to provide basic needs. What does a man do in these cases?<P>Plan B is HARD and requires a ton of patience. I don't expect any immediate results and the initial response of the wayward W if that I've dumped her. I reaffirmed her that I love her and I know she understands my desires to reconcile our marriage. But she also knows that I cannot have contact w/her while she's having an active affair.<P>My mind is getting much clearer and I'm taking care of myself now. I got 7 whole hours of sleep instead of my usual 3 and no more sleeping on the floor with my head against the door so I'll wake up when W decides to come home. <P>Unfortunately, I am also losing hope (probably due to my impatience) or else I'm just living in reality now. Maybe I need some Plan B success stories to help keep the faith.

NewMan...<P>You've commited to Plan B...<BR>Now you've got to stick it out...<P>I called and talked to Steve Harley... and he convinced me not to go to Plan B... until I can have a litte more time in a pure Plan A.<P>If you are truly in a firm Plan B... when she calls... just remind her of the intent of the Plan B letter... and then hang up... or let her alk to the kids... but not YOU!<P>The more personal contact the worse...<BR>It gives you W the idea that you will soften without her doing anything.<P>You bet this hard...<BR>Hell... I'm finding out that a more "pure" Plan A isn't a cakewalk either...<P>If your need to iron out details... do it in writing... but... just the facts... no emotion on your part.<P>Did you check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> post. This I'll be updating in the next few days with information I got from my sessions with Steve Harley...<P>Keep strong... we'll be here for you... <P>Jim

Yes I did study Plan B 101 like it was a final exam and was worth 100% of my grade for the entire degree.<P>I also strongly considered your suggestion to delay Plan B until after the holidays. Unfortunately, I could not as we were going to DC to visit my family as we do every year. They pledged 100% love and support for W but they thought she was committed to our marriage. When they learned that she was still having the EMA, they refused to have her in the house. I even thought about keeping with Plan A and not going to DC at all.<P>I realize my situation is maybe a little unique as my W has some very serious childhood abuse issues to deal with. Thank God she is getting help with it and I am paying for it along with my insurance benefits. Only when she starts to heal and recover from her sexual abuse traumas can we even begin to rebuild our marriage. However, she knows I am committed to her, our marriage and her recovery but she also knows an EMA is not a sane way to deal with her issues. I now know what I put my family through when I was a drunk/addict. Thankfully, I didn't get married or have kids until 3 years into recovery for my addictions.<P>Plan B IS hard but so is the constant yo-yo effect I was feeling. It's like the initial shock and grief when a loved one dies. Except when the EMA starts/stops/restarts 3 times a week the grief is perpetual; you never get to the next stage. At least Plan B allows me to take care of ME (eat well, sleep, exercise, church, prayer, Bible study, friends) for a change and my head is clearing.<P>I'll heed your advice, NO CONTACT. After 1/1/00 when I return to town w/the kids, I guess I can kiss & hug them and send them out the door before I have to see her.

Yep... yep... yep...<P>No Contact... No Contact... No Contact!<P> Keep strong!<BR>Jim

W just called me at work. I cannot screen my calls so I had to answer. She just came from counseling and wanted to discuss visiting the kids and school arrangements, etc. I refused to converse as she sounded very angry. She called back in 10 minutes and said she did not to meet as she knew she was angry and it would be unproductive. I agreed and told her that I cannot continue to communicate with her but I understand the need to discuss visitation, etc. Maybe we can converse by fax? Email? I don't know. We have to negotiate this stuff but how do you do it w/o contact?<P>I tried so darn hard not to love bust as I just verified that she's living with OM. I only told her that I can't have contact w/her and the last thing I want her to hear is that "I love you" and "I want your last memory of me to be a fond one and know that there's a safe place where you'll be loved and cared for in our family home".<P>I said "I love you" and hung up.<P>This SUCKS so bad!!!!!

Okay, I think you're definitely doing the right thing w/ Plan B if she is still seeing the other man. My concern is for the children. I was a stay at home mom. I know it is killing her. Sorry if I sound defensive but are you letting her see the children? She should be able to see them all she wants. I don't know what kind of mother she was/is but if she has not harmed the children then she deserves to see them often. Not just for her sake but also for the children. They need to be assured that both parents love them very much.<P>I don't know your entire story. I believe this is the only posting I've read from you so sorry if I sound insensitive. It's just a very sensitive subject for me. I have custody of my children. Unfortunately, I am the one that had the affair. I'm not seeing the OM and am disgusted about what I've done. But my husband has already filed for divorce. I just know that if I didn't have my children, I would be suicidal.<P>

Thanks for the relpy AnnR.<P>Here's the brief bio. W had a daughter (now 14) at 18 out of wedlock and never married the bio father. I have not legally adopted her as the bio father would not agree to surrender his rights. He's in CA and we're now in NC. He pays a whopping $80/mo in support. W never sued him for more. W and I have 2 sons born from our marriage, now 5 1/2 and 4. The kids and I went to my parents in MD where I was born and raised for Xmas like we have done for the past 5 years. W stayed behind at my request. I had to come back to work and left the kids w/my folks and older sister (also a stay-at-home mom of a 5 year old girl) The kids are doing great and this evening after workI drive back up for a long weekend and we'll all come back together.<P>The realy sad part is that my boys have not asked for their mom but one time, the day after Xmas. W was out of house for 8 days before we left for MD and they didn't notice much difference then either. He pattern over the past 3-4 months was that as soon as I got home for work, she would find some reason to go out (usually to see OM) and not get home till the wee hours of the AM. I know they must miss her but their not asking for her concerns me.<P>Frankly, I do not trust W with anything, even caring for the kids. I am totally open to her seeing them but my first and primary concern is for them, period. In many ways, I have been both mom & dad for a long time, especially the past 4 months.<P>When she was out of the house prior to Xmas, I begged her to sleep at the house with the kids, I volunteered to go to a motel, our friend's sofa or sleep in the car if shewould just stay the night with our kids. She would not and made excuses but I think in reality, she couldn't wait to get back to OM's house. I feel like she's abandoned all of us, even her daughter.<P>Please help me with this. I want to be open and dare not use the kids as a weapon against her but I just do not trust her to put them and their wellbeing first. I would like to avoid having to utilize extended daycare for the after school hours but I also do want W to see them on weekdays. I finally got them (the boys) into a very healthy routine and I don't want to disrupt that. I think weekends are acceptable and to be honest, I could use the break myself to take care of me.<P>I have some absolute rules on which I will not bend; no contact with OM or his kids or entry to his house.