Please comment. The logistics aren't finalized, but they are the beginning of a plan. Spoke with a lawyer yesterday, and have an appointment with Steve Harley on Monday.<p>Thanks,<p>Tom<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Dear T___,<p>This is a letter that I have dreaded writing. I'm responsible for many of the problems in our marriage and I apologize for my part in creating the present situation. One of the books I've been reading to help me through this, has the following quote. "Regardless of the current rubble in your marriage or the list of unmet conditions, you owe God to cherish that essence. When you look deeply enough into your wife's eyes, past the pain and the hurts and fights, you can still find that little ewe lamb gazing back, hoping all things and trusting all things." This really hammers everything home to me, and the tears come every time I read it. I'm so sorry that I've let you down.<p>Since February I've tried to prove my ability to change and my desire to work on our marriage. This can only happen in very small ways while the
affairs continue. My goals have been to be safe for you, to focus on the kids, and to avoid upsetting you by word or action. Only occasionally have I tried to do more, and even then I was pushing too hard. A couple of times since February, an affair has ended, but those instances have not translated into opportunities or openings for me to really try and meet your needs. I simply can't continue this way, and there is nothing more I can accomplish while the affairs continue.<p>We need to separate and maintain a period of no contact, until the day when you choose to end the affairs and work on our marriage. That doesn't
mean an immediate return to husband-and-wife relations, but it does mean a policy of radical honesty and openness with each other about what we are doing, and it means spending a lot of time doing things together. It cannot be a return to the status quo and secrecy of the past.<p>I've leased an apartment in the school district so that our children can spend alternate weeks with each of us. These transfers will take place
each Sunday at the church; one of us will drop the kids off at Sunday school and the other will pick them up. Financially, I will provide child support and spousal support per the state formula, assuming 50% joint physical custody and that you will go back to work. Details are in the attached support agreement. If you need to communicate with me, please do that through D___ or S___ R____. Please respect my need to be completely apart from the present situation, which means no direct contact between us.<p>I know that a recovery will take a long time and hard work, but I'm confident that we can do it. We were able to do it for six months, not that long ago. We have to keep it up. What's different this time, is that I've really understood the alternative looks like. I want to be with you the rest of my life, and build our marriage into everything that it can be.<p>Love always,<p>T__
<hr></blockquote><p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: tmmx ]</p>

Hi Tom,<p> I personally think your letter is fine. In fact I may steal a huge portion of it for my own Plan B letter. I think it is to the point and while mentioning the affairs may be somewhat of an LB, I don't see that as too bad.<p> I wish you the best. I will say a prayer for your marriage.<p> jd

I think it is good too. I have tried unsucessfully to go to Plan b on at least 3 occasions but keep allowing myself to get sucked by into the same ol' limbo...<p>Reading your letter gives me some hope because you sound so confident in this decision.<p>I wish you all the luck in the world. <p>PP

Excellent Plan B letter. I doubt that a Harley could have done it better. Mentioning the affairs is not a LB. It is the reason for plan B, it's honesty. You were not angry, demanding or disrespectful (those are bona fide LB) in how you mentioned them. Simply honest.<p>Best of wishes to you. Good luck with your appt. with Steve. Sorry it had to come to this point, you deserve better.<p>Cerri

Here is a revision after talking with Steve on Monday morning. Basically I did not use the word "affair" so often, and took out the paragraph on logistical details. It's still a backup plan. <p>One of the questions I had for Steve is about the mechanics of plan B in my state. Pennsylvania does not have a legal separation, only divorce. If one of us moves out, there can be a legal agreement about support and visitation or custody "pending a divorce". I knew that plan B is supposed to be sudden, and I wondered about how to do these other details at the same time. So it's going to be a 2-step process. First give her the plan B letter and make it clear that it's a firm decision. Then, work out the details, including who actually moves out. This is a little different than the example letter in SAA and might be a useful idea for someone else.<p>Aunt C is still here, and she will still be here when this hits the fan. But of course there's no good time, and I don't know if she'll be going back home any time soon. So I'll probably do this over the weekend. <p>I wish I was more confident. Orchid was describing in one of the GQ2 threads, how it's harder for women to come back because they've done more planning for the affairs. I'm afraid that's where my wife is at.<p>Anyway, if there are any suggestions on this 2nd draft, please let me know. Your comments are appreciated very much.<p>- Tom<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Dear T___,<p>This is a letter that I have dreaded writing. I'm responsible for many of the problems in our marriage and I apologize for my part in creating the present situation. One of the books I've been reading to help me through this, has the following quote. "Regardless of the current rubble in your marriage or the list of unmet conditions, you owe God to cherish that essence. When you look deeply enough into your wife's eyes, past the pain and the hurts and fights, you can still find that little ewe lamb gazing back, hoping all things and trusting all things." This really hammers everything home to me, and the tears come every time I read it. I'm so sorry that I've let you down.<p>Since February I've tried to prove my ability to change and my desire to work on our marriage. This can only happen in very small ways while the affairs continue. My goals have been to be safe for you, to focus on the kids, and to avoid upsetting you by word or action. Only occasionally have I tried to do more, and even then I was pushing too hard. There hasn't been any opening for me to really try and meet your needs. I simply can't continue this way, and there is nothing more I can accomplish the way things are.<p>We need to separate and maintain a period of no contact, until the day when you choose to end this outside life and help me work on our marriage. I've put this decision off for as long as possible, but it's eating me up.<p>I know that a recovery will take a long time and hard work, but I'm confident that we can do it. We were able to do it for six months, not that long ago. We have to keep it up. What's different this time, is that I've really understood the alternative looks like. I want to be with you the rest of my life, and build our marriage into everything that it can be.<p>Love always,<p>T__
<hr></blockquote>

Just to complete this thread, here is the letter I gave my wife last night. She was on the phone with an OM at the time, so we didn't talk about it right away. Details elsewhere.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
November 14, 2001<p>Dear T___,<p>This is a letter that I have dreaded writing. I'm responsible for many of the problems in our marriage and I apologize for my part in creating the present situation. One of the books I've been reading to help me through this, has the following quote. "Regardless of the current rubble in your marriage or the list of unmet conditions, you owe God to cherish that essence. When you look deeply enough into your wife's eyes, past the pain and the hurts and fights, you can still find that little ewe lamb gazing back, hoping all things and trusting all things." This really hammers everything home to me, and the tears come when I read it. I'm so sorry that I've let you down.<p>Since February I've tried to prove my ability to change and my desire to work on our marriage. This can only happen in very small ways while the affairs continue. My goals have been to be safe for you, to focus on the kids, and to avoid upsetting you by word or action. When I tried to do more, it seemed that I was pushing too hard. There hasn't been any opening for me to really try and meet your needs. I simply can't continue this way, and there is nothing more I can accomplish the way things are.<p>We need to separate and not see each other, until the day when you choose to end this outside life and help me work on our marriage. In the meantime, I don’t know if you would rather move out, or prefer that I move out, but either way, the kids could spend equal time with each of us. I've put this decision off for as long as possible, but it's eating me up.<p>I know that a recovery will take a long time and hard work, but I'm confident that we can do it. We were able to do it for six months, not that long ago. We have to keep it up. What's different this time, is that I've really understood what the alternative looks like. I don’t expect you to be satisfied with the way things were. I want to be with you the rest of my life, and build our marriage into everything that it can be.<p>Love always,<p>
T__<p><hr></blockquote>

Hi,<p>I was going to reply to this thread then I realised that you had already given your wife the letter. I have been so grateful for the support that you have given me over the last few months that I wanted to be there for you.<p>What has happened now that you have given her the letter? You were there foe me after my failed recovery. It does get easier. After 4 weeks of being back to square one, and more "officially" separated, I have eventually managed to rid myself of all the hurt and anger over what has happened. One book which really helped me to get through all the hurt and find a way to still feel love for my WS in spite of everything was "In the meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. Its a bit long - winded but really helped me to learn how to continue to love my H in spite of everything.<p>If you want more details, please read my post on here. I hope that things work out for you, and that, like my H has now done, she will eventually realise that running away from life's problems isn't the answer.<p>Love and best wishes<p>Wounded One
(Angela)

Tmmx,<p>How are you doing? I like how you composed your letter, short and sweet. <p>It would be nice if we could guarantee that the Ws would be receptive and understand that the best of intentions are out there. I hope your W can see that. We do. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I would like to comment on the statement I made on another thread about women finding it harder to come back. There is truth to that but it is not a hard and fast rule. It is also more difficult for women to leave a M. So the tug is there either way. You know for my H, he felt he had done too much damage to come home. He had done damage, I did not deny that. Denial tends to make the WS feel worse. But I did reassure H that I loved him. I know women like reassurance, I know I need it. That may be your key. Gentle reassurance. <p>Take Care,
L.<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Thanks for asking, Orchid and Wounded One. I gave my wife the letter on November 14 but didn't actually move into an apartment until November 21. Due to a complicated mixup with AT&T, I didn't have a phone in the new place until just a couple days ago, so I've been off the boards until now.<p>That day, November 21, I took our kids on a 10-hour drive to St. Louis to see my parents, sister, brother-in-law, and baby niece. It was a great time and just the thing. Packing and moving out was pretty hard, but our kids have really helped me.<p>I have our kids 5 overnights out of 14. I'm doing a lot better and feeling a lot better, despite the disruptions of moving. My wife is worried about money, but otherwise sees it as new freedom. One of her friends told me, don't expect her to try and reconcile. But I'll give it some time.<p>We took the boys to separate den meetings last night, and then returned to my apartment. The middle boy left his jacket in her car, so I left a voice message asking her to drop it off if possible. No dice, so this morning I stopped by the house to grab a jacket before school. She wasn't there. At least she's not bringing them home.<p>She wants to keep her business a secret, but a lot of people have figured it out.<p>There has been business-like contact over the kids, but I minimize it. Now that I have a phone, I'm going to follow the plan of using our minister more as an intermediary. My wife can still tell there was an abrupt change. She likes to work out every little detail in an agreement to reassure herself about money and schedules, but I'm not doing that. Only the bare minimum. The less we speak, the better.<p>I'm starting to think about what might happen after a divorce, but in more of positive or at least a planning mode. This plan B was well-timed for me, if not overdue.<p>There's a lot more that's happened, and some interesting details about the holidays coming up. I haven't said anything to her family yet, although some of them know we separated (not why). Normally we all get together at her Dad's house the Saturday after Christmas for a gift exchange and buffet, but this year I won't be there. I'm thinking about writing a short letter to each explaining that I have nothing against any of them, but that I have to be completely separate from my wife for a while.<p>More postings will follow. Time for bed now. I have a 2-bedroom townhouse, and the smaller bedroom is my home office. Me and the three kids sleep on air mattresses in the large bedroom, it's like a little slumber party. They are making me presents each time they come over. I didn't get cable TV here, so we spend more time reading, talking, and playing traditional board or card games. I think I said earlier, this is great.<p>The only convenience I really miss, is not having the washer and dryer here. I'd forgotten how much hassle it is going to the laundromat. But I like cooking, making school lunches, supervising the homework, and other stuff.<p>Thanks again for your help.<p>- Tom

I am praying for you. God bless you and the kids. Ask God for discernment and wisdom now. I have a good book, hope for the separated. It is good. Try it. Great chapter about long distance love.

Hi - this is just an update. Things have been proceeding fairly well for me. It's lonely when the kids are gone, and great when they're here. My wife grills them for full reports each time they get back, but I stress to the kids they don't need to hide anything. My oldest keeps wanting to review his "report" each time we drive back to Mom's house.<p>She called this afternoon and vented about the no-contact part of plan B, how I won't just sit down and work out financial arrangements to her satisfaction. She is a SAHM but the formula for support here will assign her an earning capacity. So now she wants me explaining to our kids that I am forcing them into daycare, although, since I work at home, they can stay with me while she works. And for better or worse, dual-income and daycare is the reality for many couples with young children.<p>To this point, she's been telling her friends and family a sanitized version of our separation, while conveying financial uncertainties to our young children. This could be the starting point of more disclosures, because she is not going to spin it the way she wants for our kids. That's the line. I'm not worried at all about what she tells her friends.<p>Anyway, she talked for about 20 minutes this afternoon on the phone. I mostly listened but did not cut it short. Maybe I need caller ID like some others in plan B have done, but then with young kids, there could be emergencies where she really needs to get through to me.<p>Is there a non-LB way to cut these calls short or cut them off? This conversation didn't really bother me and I didn't LB according to the checklist, but she was infuriated that I didn't react the way she wanted. Which of course is the reason for no contact in plan B. So there was some damage done that I prefer to avoid in the future.<p>Thanks for your help and prayers.<p>- Tom